Part 54 (1/2)

CMLII.--A CERTAIN CROP.

UNDER the improved system of agriculture and of draining, great preparations had been made for securing a good crop in a certain field, where Lord Fife, his factor, and others interested in the subject were collected together. There was much discussion, and some difference of opinion as to the crop with which the field had best be sown. The idiot retainer, who had been listening unnoticed to all that was said, at last cried out, ”_Saw't wi' factors_, ma lord; they are sure to thrive everywhere.”

CMLIII.--GOOD ADVICE.

NEVER confide in a young man,--new pails leak. Never tell your secret to the aged,--old doors seldom shut closely.

CMLIV.--MR. THELWALL.

WHEN citizen Thelwall was on his trial at the Old Bailey for high treason, during the evidence for the prosecution he wrote the following note, and sent it to his counsel, Mr. Erskine: ”I am determined to plead my cause myself.” Mr. Erskine wrote under it: ”If you do, you'll be hanged:” to which Thelwall immediately returned this reply: ”_I'll be hanged, then, if I do_.”

CMLV.--CHEAP AT THE MONEY.

A s.h.i.+LLING subscription having been set on foot to bury an attorney who had died very poor, Lord Chief Justice Norbury exclaimed, ”Only a s.h.i.+lling to bury an attorney! Here's a guinea; go and bury _one-and-twenty of them_.”

CMLVI.--A QUERY FOR MR. BABBAGE.

A PERSON, hearing that ”Time is Money,” became desirous of learning how many years it would take ”_to pay_ a little debt of a hundred pounds!”

CMLVII.--A BACK-HANDED HIT.

LORD DERBY once said that Ireland was positively worse than it is _represented_. ”That's intended,” said A'Beckett, ”as a sinister insult to the members who represent that wretched country.”

CMLVIII.--THINGS BY THEIR RIGHT NAMES.

IF by their names we things should call, It surely would be _properer_, To term a singing piece a bawl, A dancing piece a _hopperer_!

CMLIX.--A FAVORITE AIR.

ONE of a party of friends, referring to an exquisite musical composition, said: ”That song always carries me away when I hear it.”--”Can anybody whistle it?” asked Jerrold, laughing.

CMLX.--A GOOD JOKE.

A FIRE-EATING Irishman challenged a barrister, who gratified him by an acceptance. The duellist, being very lame, requested that he might have a prop. ”Suppose,” said he, ”I lean against this milestone?”--”With pleasure,” replied the lawyer, ”on condition that I may lean against _the next_.” The joke settled the quarrel.

CMLXI.--ONE THING AT A TIME.

A VERY dull play was talked of, and one attempted a defence by saying, ”It was not hissed.”--”True,” said another; ”no one can _hiss_ and _gape_ at the same time.”

CMLXII.--TROPHIES.

A FRENCH n.o.bleman once showing Matthew Prior the palace of his master at Versailles, and desiring him to observe the many _trophies_ of Louis the Fourteenth's victories, asked Prior if King William, his master, had many such trophies in his palace. ”No,” said Prior, ”the monuments of my master's victories are to be seen _everywhere_ but in his _own house_.”