Part 49 (2/2)

”Pray, sir, can you tell me who is the young gentleman dancing with that very elderly lady!”

”One of the Humane Society, I should think,” replied Jerrold.

DCCCLXXVII.--A PROUD HEART.

MATHEWS, whose powers in conversation and whose flow of anecdote in private life transcended even his public efforts, told a variety of tales of the Kingswood colliers (Kingswood is near Bristol), in one of which he represented an old collier, looking for some of the implements of his trade, exclaiming, ”Jan, what's the mother done with the new coal-sacks?”--”Made _pillows_ on 'em,” replied the son.

”Confound her proud heart!” rejoins the collier, ”why could she not take th' _ould_ ones?”

DCCCLXXVIII.--SENT HOME FREE.

A VERY considerate hotel-keeper, advertising his ”Burton x.x.xX,”

concludes the advertis.e.m.e.nt: ”N.B. Parties drinking more than four gla.s.ses of this potent beverage at one sitting, carefully sent _home gratis_ in a wheelbarrow, if required.”

DCCCLXXIX.--CHARLES II. AND MILTON.

CHARLES II. and his brother James went to see Milton, to reproach him, and finished a profusion of insults with saying, ”You old villain! your blindness is the visitation of Providence for your sins.”--”If Providence,” replied the venerable bard, ”has punished my sins with _blindness_, what must have been the crimes of your father which it punished with _death_!”

DCCCLx.x.x.--WHOSE?

SYDNEY SMITH being ill, his physician advised him to ”take a walk upon an empty stomach.”--”_Upon whose_?” said he.

DCCCLx.x.xI.--”PUPPIES NEVER SEE TILL THEY ARE NINE DAYS OLD.”

IT is related, that when a former Bishop of Bristol held the office of Vice-Chancellor of the University of Cambridge, he one day met a couple of undergraduates, who neglected to pay the accustomed compliment of _capping_. The bishop inquired the reason of the neglect. The two men begged his lords.h.i.+p's pardon, observing they were _freshmen_, and did not know him. ”How long have you been in Cambridge?” asked his lords.h.i.+p.

”Only _eight_ days,” was the reply. ”Very good,” said the bishop, ”_puppies_ never see till they are _nine_ days old.”

DCCCLx.x.xII.--EPIGRAM.

(On Lord W----'s saying the independence of the House of Lords is gone.)

”THE independence of the Lords is gone,”

Says W----, to truth for once inclined; And to believe his lords.h.i.+p I am p.r.o.ne, Seeing that he himself is left behind.

DCCCLx.x.xIII.--CONFIDENCE--TAKEN FROM THE FRENCH.

ON the first night of the representation of one of Jerrold's pieces, a successful adaptator from the French rallied him on his nervousness.

”I,” said the adaptator, ”never feel nervous on the first night of my pieces.”--”Ah, my boy,” Jerrold replied, ”_you_ are always certain of success. Your pieces have all been tried before.”

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