Part 49 (1/2)

A SHOPKEEPER, who had stuck up a notice in glaring capitals, ”Selling off! Must close on Sat.u.r.day!” was asked by a friend, ”What! are you selling off?”--”Yes, all the shopkeepers are selling off, ain't they?”--”But you say, 'Must close on Sat.u.r.day.'”--”To be sure; would you have me _keep open_ on Sunday!”

DCCCLXVII.--SPECIES AND SPECIE.

IN preaching a charity sermon, Sydney Smith frequently repeated the a.s.sertion that, of all nations, Englishmen were most distinguished for their generosity, and the love of their _species_. The collection happened to be inferior to his expectation, and he said that he had evidently made a great mistake; for that his expression should have been, that they were distinguished for the love of their _specie_.

DCCCLXVIII.--DR. JOHNSON.

WHEN Dr. Johnson courted Mrs. Potter, whom he afterwards married, he told her that he was of mean extraction; that he had no money; and that he had had an uncle hanged! The lady, by way of reducing herself to an equality with the Doctor, replied, that she had no more money than himself; and that, though she had not had a relation hanged, she had fifty who _deserved hanging_.

DCCCLXIX.--THE POET FOILED.

TO win the maid the poet tries, And sonnets writes to Julia's eyes, She likes a _verse_, but, cruel whim, She still appears _a-verse_ to him.

DCCCLXX.--A COMEDIAN AND A LAWYER.

A FEW years ago, when Billy Burton, the American actor, was in his ”trouble,” a young lawyer was examining him as to how he had spent his money. There was about three thousand pounds unaccounted for, when the attorney put on a severe scrutinizing face, and exclaimed, with much self-complacency,--”Now, sir, I want you to tell this court and jury how you used those three thousand pounds.” Burton put on one of his serio-comic faces, winked at the audience, and exclaimed, ”_The lawyers got that_!” The judge and audience were convulsed with laughter. The counsellor was glad to let the comedian go.

DCCCLXXI.--VICE VERSA.

IT is a.s.serted that the bad Ministers have contracted the National Debt.

This cannot be; for instead of _contracting_ it at all, bad Ministers have most materially extended it.

DCCCLXXII.--NOTHING PERSONAL.

AT a dinner-party one day a certain knight, whose character was considered to be not altogether unexceptionable, said he would give them a toast; and looking hard in the face of Mrs. M----, who was more celebrated for wit than beauty, gave ”Honest men an' bonny la.s.ses!”--”With all my heart, Sir John,” said Mrs. M----, ”for it neither _applies_ to you nor me.”

DCCCLXXIII.--A HINT FOR GENEALOGISTS.

MR. MOORE, who derived his pedigree from Noah, explained it in this manner: ”Noah had three sons, Shem, Ham, and one _more_.”

DCCCLXXIV.--A MISTAKE.

OLD d.i.c.k Baldwin stoutly maintained that no man ever died of drinking.

”Some puny things,” he said, ”have died of _learning_ to drink, but no man ever died of drinking.” Mr. Baldwin was no mean authority; for he spoke from great practical experience, and was, moreover, many years treasurer of St. Bartholomew's Hospital.

DCCCLXXV.--AN IMPOSSIBLE RENUNCIATION.

THE late Dr. Risk, of Dalserf, being one of the moderators, did not satisfy, by his preaching, the Calvinistic portion of his flock. ”Why, sir,” said they, ”we think you dinna tell us enough about renouncing our ain righteousness.”--”Renouncing your ain righteousness!” vociferated the astonished doctor, ”I never _saw any ye had to renounce_!”

DCCCLXXVI.--THE HUMANE SOCIETY AT AN EVENING PARTY.

AT an evening party, a very elderly lady was dancing with a young partner. A stranger approached Jerrold, who was looking on, and said,--