Part 41 (1/2)

DCCXXIII.--WHAT'S GOING ON?

A VERY prosy gentleman, who was in the habit of waylaying Jerrold, met his victim, and, planting himself in the way, said, ”Well, Jerrold, what is going on to-day?”

Jerrold said, darting past the inquirer, ”I am!”

DCCXXIV.--SNORING.

A CERTAIN deacon being accustomed to snore while asleep in church, he received the following polite note: ”Deacon ---- is requested not to commence snoring to-morrow until the sermon is begun, as some persons in the neighborhood of his pew would like to hear the _text_.”

DCCXXV.--TWO MAKE A PAIR.

SOON after the attack of Margaret Nicholson on the life of George III., the following bill was stuck up in the window of an obscure alehouse: ”Here is to be seen the _fork_ belonging to the _knife_ with which Margaret Nicholson attempted to stab the King.”

DCCXXVI.--ALMANAC-MAKERS.

TWO women scolding each other, one said, ”Thou liest like a thief and a witch.” The other replies, ”But thou liest like an _almanac-maker_; for thou liest every day and all the year long.”

DCCXXVII.--A BLACK JOKE.

A GENTLEMAN at Limehouse observed the laborers at work in a tier of colliers, and wanting to learn the price of coals, hailed one of the men with, ”Well, Paddy, how are coals?”--”_Black as ever_,” was the reply.

DCCXXVIII.--EPIGRAM.

”HE that will never look upon an a.s.s, Must lock his door and break his looking-gla.s.s.”

DCCXXIX.--EXAGGERATION.

A MAN was boasting before a companion of his very strong sight. ”I can discern from here a mouse on the top of that very high tower.”--”I don't see it,” answered, his comrade; ”but I hear it _running_.”

DCCx.x.x.--WINNING A LOSS.

A SWELL clerk from London, who was spending an evening in a country inn full of company, and feeling secure in the possession of most money, made the following offer. ”I will drop money into a hat with any man in the room. The man who holds out the longest to have the whole and treat the company.”--”I'll do it,” said a farmer. The swell dropped in half a sovereign. The countryman followed with a sixpence. ”Go on,” said the swell. ”I won't,” said the farmer; ”take the whole, and _treat_ the company.”

DCCx.x.xI.--ADVICE GRATIS.

ON the trial of a cause in the Court of Common Pleas, Mr. Serjeant Vaughan having asked a witness a question rather of _law_ than of _fact_, Lord Chief Justice Eldon observed, ”Brother Vaughan, this is not quite fair; you wish the witness to give you, _for nothing_, what you would not give him under _two guineas_.”

DCCx.x.xII.--SHORT COMMONS.

AT a shop-window in the Strand there appeared the following notice: ”Wanted, _two_ apprentices, who will be treated as _one_ of the family.”

CCx.x.xIII.--LICENSED TO KILL.