Part 39 (1/2)

WHEN Abernethy was canva.s.sing for the office of surgeon to St.

Bartholomew's Hospital, he called upon a rich grocer. The great man, addressing him, said, ”I suppose, sir, you want my vote and interest at this momentous epoch of your life.”--”No, I don't,” said Abernethy. ”I want a pennyworth of figs; come, look sharp and wrap them up; I want to be off!”

DCLx.x.xIX.--STEAM-BOAT RACING.

SIR CHARLES LYELL, when in the United States, received the following advice from a friend: ”When you are racing with an opposition steam-boat, or chasing her, and the other pa.s.sengers are cheering the captain, who is sitting on the safety-valve to keep it down with his weight, go as far as you can from the engine, and lose no time, especially if you hear the captain exclaim, 'Fire up, boys! put on the resin!' Should a servant call out, 'Those gentlemen who have not paid their pa.s.sage will please to go to the ladies' cabin,' obey the summons without a moment's delay, for then an explosion may be apprehended. 'Why to the ladies' cabin?' said I. Because it is the safe end of the boat, and they are getting anxious for the personal security of those who have not yet paid their dollars, being, of course, indifferent about the rest. Therefore never pay in advance; for should you fall overboard during a race, and the watch cries out to the captain, 'A pa.s.senger overboard,' he will ask, 'Has he paid his pa.s.sage?' and if he receives an answer in the affirmative, he will call out '_Go ahead_!'”

DCXC.--GENTLY, JEMMY.

SIR JAMES MACKINTOSH invited Dr. Parr to take a drive in his gig. The horse became restive. ”Gently, Jemmy,” says the doctor, ”don't irritate him; always soothe your horse, Jemmy. You'll do better without me. Let me down, Jemmy.” Once on _terra-firma_, the doctor's view of the case was changed. ”Now, Jemmy, touch him up. Never let a horse get the better of you. Touch him up, conquer him, don't spare him; and now, I'll leave you to manage him--_I'll walk back_.”

DCXCI.--WHAT'S IN A SYLLABLE?

LONGFELLOW, the poet, was introduced to one Longworth, and some one noticed the similarity of the first syllable of the names. ”Yes,” said the poet, ”but in this case I fear Pope's line will apply,--'_Worth_ makes the man, the want of it the _fellow_.'”

DCXCII.--QUIET THEFT.

A SADDLE being missing at a funeral, it was observed, no wonder that nothing was heard of it, for it is believed to have been stolen by a _mute_.

DCXCIII.--GOOD ADVICE.

A YOUNG man (placed by his friends as a student at a veterinary college) being in company with some of his colleagues, was asked, ”If a broken-winded horse were brought to him for cure, what he would advise?”

After considering for a moment, ”Advise,” said he, ”I should advise the owner _to sell_ as soon as possible.”

DCXCIV.--CRITICISING A STATUE.

SOON after Canning's statue was put up in Palace Yard, in all its verdant freshness, the carbonate of copper not yet blackened by the smoke of London, Mr. Justice Gazelee was walking away from Westminster Hall with a friend, when the judge, looking at the statue (which is colossal), said, ”I don't think this is very like Canning; he was not so _large_ a man.”--”No, my lord,” replied his companion, ”nor so _green_.”

DCXCV.--A COMPARISON.

DURING the a.s.sizes, in a case of a.s.sault and battery, where a stone had been thrown by the defendant, the following clear and conclusive evidence was drawn out of a Yorks.h.i.+reman:--

”Did you see the defendant throw the stone?”--”I saw a stone, and I'ze pretty sure the defendant throwed it.”

”Was it a large stone?”--”I should say it wur a largish stone.”

”What was its size?”--”I should say a sizeable stone.”

”Can't you answer definitely how big it was?”--”I should say it wur a stone of some bigness.”

”Can't you give the jury some idea of the stone?”--”Why, as near as I recollect, it wur something of a stone.”