Part 38 (1/2)

DCLXX.--MEASURE FOR MEASURE.

THE amiable Mrs. W---- always insists that her friends who take grog shall mix _equal_ quant.i.ties of spirits and water, though she never observes the rule for herself. A writer of plays having once made a gla.s.s under her directions, was asked by the lady, ”Pray, sir, is it _As you like it_?”--”No, madam,” replied the dramatist; ”it is _Measure for Measure_.”

DCLXXI.--A PROBABILITY.

JONATHAN and his friend Paddy were enjoying a delightful ride, when they came in sight of what is very unusual in any civilized state now-a-days--an old gallows or gibbet. This suggested to the American the idea of being witty at the expense of his Irish companion. ”You see _that_, I calculate,” said he nasally, pointing to the object just mentioned; ”and now where would _you_ be if the gallows had its due?”--”Riding _alone_,” coolly replied Paddy.

DCLXXII.--LEGAL ADULTERATION.

SEVERAL publicans being a.s.sembled at Malton, in Yorks.h.i.+re, in order to renew their licenses to retail beer, the worthy magistrate addressed one of them (an old woman), and said he trusted she did not put any pernicious ingredients into the liquor; to which she immediately replied: ”I'll a.s.sure your wors.h.i.+p there's naught pernicious put into our barrels that I know of, but the _exciseman's stick_.”

DCLXXIII.--VOX ET PRaeTEREA NIHIL.

”I WONDER if Brougham thinks as much as he talks,”

Said a punster perusing a trial; ”I vow, since his lords.h.i.+p was made Baron Vaux, He's been _Vaux et praeterea nihil_.”

DCLXXIV.--SALISBURY CATHEDRAL SPIRE.

A s.e.xTON in Salisbury Cathedral was telling Charles Lamb that eight people had dined at the pointed top of the spire; upon which Lamb remarked that they must have been very _sharp set_.

DCLXXV.--AN ACT OF JUSTICE.

DR. BARTON, being in company with Dr. Nash, who had just printed two heavy folios on the antiquities of Worcesters.h.i.+re, remarked that the publication was deficient in several respects, adding, ”Pray, doctor, are you not a justice of the peace?”--”I am,” replied Nash. ”Then,” said Barton, ”I advise you to send your work to the _house of correction_.”

DCLXXVI.--LISTON'S DREAM.

AS Liston lay wrapt in delicious repose, Most harmoniously playing a tune with his nose, In a dream there appeared the adorable Venus, Who said, ”To be sure there's no likeness between us; Yet to show a celestial to kindness so p.r.o.ne is, Your looks shall soon rival the handsome Adonis.”

Liston woke in a fright, and cried, ”Heaven preserve me!

If my face you improve, zounds! madam, you'll _starve me_!”

DCLXXVII.--A VOLUMINOUS SPEAKER.

A WELL-KNOWN lawyer, Mr. Marryatt, who declared he had never opened any book after he left school but a law book, once told a jury, when speaking of a chimney on fire: ”Gentlemen, the chimney took fire; it poured forth _volumes_ of smoke! _Volumes_, did I say? Whole _encyclopaedias_!” Mr. Marryatt is said to have applied for two _mandami_.

DCLXXVIII.--A SUGGESTIVE QUESTION.

DOUGLAS JERROLD, discussing one day with Mr. Selby, the vexed question of adapting dramatic pieces from the French, that gentleman insisted upon claiming some of his characters as strictly original creations. ”Do you remember my Baroness in _Ask no Questions_?” said Mr. S. ”Yes, indeed. I don't think I ever saw a piece of yours without being struck by your _barrenness_,” was the retort.

DCLXXIX.--LOVE AND HYMEN.

HYMEN comes when he is called, and Love when he pleases.