Part 36 (1/2)

Thus translated--

”There was a baker heretofore, with labor and great pain: Did break his neck, and break his neck, and break his neck again.”

DCx.x.xVI.--MAD QUAKERS.

A MAD Quaker belongs to a small and rich sect; and is, therefore, of greater importance than any _other_ mad person of the same degree in life.

DCx.x.xVII.--BACON.

A MALEFACTOR, under sentence of death, pretending that he was related to him, on that account pet.i.tioned Lord Chancellor Bacon for a _reprieve_.

To which pet.i.tion his lords.h.i.+p answered, ”that he could not possibly be _Bacon_ till he had first been _hung_.”

DCx.x.xVIII.--A LETTER WANTING.

SAID vain Andrew Scalp, ”My initials, I guess, Are known, so I sign all my poems, A.S.”

Said Jerrold, ”I own you're a reticent youth, For that's telling only two thirds of the truth.”

DCx.x.xIX.--ADVICE TO THE YOUNG.

JERROLD said to an ardent young gentleman, who burned with a desire to see himself in print, ”Be advised by me, young man: don't take down the shutters before there is something in the window.”

DCXL.--A PROMISE TO PAY.

JOE HAINES was more remarkable for his practical jokes than for his acting. He was seized one morning by two bailiffs, for a debt of 20l., as the Bishop of Ely was pa.s.sing by in his coach. ”Gentlemen,” said Joe, ”here's my cousin the Bishop of Ely going by his house; let me but speak to him, and he'll pay the debt and charges.” The bailiffs thought they might venture this, as they were within three or four yards of him. Joe went boldly up to the coach, and pulled his hat off to the bishop. His lords.h.i.+p ordered the coach to stop, when Joe whispered him gently, ”My lord, here are two men who have such great _scruples of conscience_, that I fear they'll hang themselves.”--”Very well,” said the bishop; so, calling to the bailiffs, he said, ”You two men come to me to-morrow morning, and _I will satisfy you_.” The men bowed, and went away pleased. Early on the following day, the bailiffs, expecting the debt and charges, paid a visit to the bishop; when, being introduced, his lords.h.i.+p addressed them. ”Well, my men, what are your scruples of conscience?”--”Scruples!” echoed the bailiff; ”we have _no scruples_. We are bailiffs, my lord, who yesterday arrested your cousin, Joe Haines, for a debt of 20l.; and your lords.h.i.+p kindly promised to satisfy us to-day.” The bishop, reflecting that his honor and name would be exposed were he not to comply, paid the debt and charges.

DCXLI.--PUNCTUATION.

SOME gentlemen talking on the inattention of writers to punctuation, it was observed that the lawyers used no stops in their writings. ”I should not mind that,” said one of the party, ”but they put no _periods_ to their works.”

DCXLII.--CON-CIDER-ATE.

LORD BOTTETOT, in pa.s.sing through Gloucester, soon after the cider tax, in which he was very unpopular, observing himself burning in effigy, he stopped his coach, and giving a purse of guineas to the mob, said, ”Pray, gentlemen, if you will burn me, burn me like a gentleman; do not let me linger; I see you have _not f.a.ggots enough_.” This good-humored speech appeased the people, who gave him three cheers, and let him pa.s.s.

DCXLIII.--FEAR OF EDUCATING WOMEN.

THERE is a very general notion, that if you once suffer women to eat of the tree of knowledge, the rest of the family will very soon be reduced to the same kind of aerial and unsatisfactory diet.

DCXLIV.--A-LIQUID.

PORSON, once conversing with a party of congenial friends, seemed at a loss for _something_ to cheer the inward man, and drawing his gla.s.s mechanically towards him, he took up one bottle, and then another, without finding wherewithal to replenish. A friend observing this, he inquired what the professor was in search of. ”Only _a-liquid_!”

answered Porson.

DCXLV.--TOP AND BOTTOM.