Part 35 (1/2)

SAYS Kemble to Lewis, ”Pray what is your play?”

Cries Lewis to Kemble, ”The _Lie of the Day_!”

”Say you so?” replied Kemble; ”why, we _act the same_; But to cozen the town we adopt a _new name_; For that _Vortigern's_ Shakespeare's we some of us say, Which you very well know is a _lie_ of the day.”

DCXXIV.--A GOOD ONE.

LAMB and Coleridge were talking together on the incidents of Coleridge's early life, when he was beginning his career in the church, and Coleridge was describing some of the facts in his usual tone, when he paused, and said, ”Pray, Mr. Lamb, did you ever hear me preach?”--”I _never_ heard you do anything else!” said Lamb.

DCXXV.--”WRITE ME DOWN AN a.s.s.”

A VERY stupid foreman asked a judge how they were to _ignore_ a bill.

”Write _Ignoramus for self and fellows_ on the back of it,” said Curran.

DCXXVI.--A WORD TO THE WISE.

DR. BALGUY, a preacher of great celebrity, after having preached an excellent discourse at Winchester Cathedral, the text of which was, ”All wisdom is sorrow,” received the following elegant compliment from Dr.

Wharton, then at Winchester school:--

If what you advance, dear doctor, be true, That ”wisdom is sorrow,” how wretched are you.

DCXXVII.--LIBERAL GIFT.

A COMEDIAN at Covent Garden advised one of the scene-s.h.i.+fters, who had met with an accident, to try a subscription; and a few days afterwards he asked for the list of names, which, when he had read over, he returned. ”Why, sir,” says the poor fellow, ”won't you give me something?”--”Why, zounds, man,” replied the comedian, ”didn't I _give_ you the _hint_?”

DCXXVIII.--EASILY ANSWERED.

A CERTAIN Lord Mayor hearing of a gentleman who had had the small-pox twice, and died of it, asked, if he died the first time or the second.

DCXXIX.--ON THE LATIN GERUNDS.

WHEN Dido mourned, aeneas would not come, She wept in silence, and was _Di-Do-Dumb_.

DCx.x.x.--DODGING A CREDITOR.

A CREDITOR, whom he was anxious to avoid, met Sheridan coming out of Pall Mall. There was no possibility of avoiding him, but he did not lose his presence of mind. ”That's a beautiful mare you are on!” said Sheridan. ”Do you think so?”--”Yes, indeed! how does she trot?” The creditor, highly flattered, put her into full trot. Sheridan bolted round the corner, and was _out of sight_ in a moment.

DCx.x.xI.--BAD HABIT.

SIR FREDERICK FLOOD had a droll habit, of which he could never effectually break himself. Whenever a person at his back whispered or suggested anything to him whilst he was speaking in public, without a moment's reflection, he always repeated the suggestion _literatim_. Sir Frederick was once making a long speech in the Irish Parliament, lauding the transcendent merits of the Wexford magistracy, on a motion for extending the criminal jurisdiction in that county, to keep down the disaffected. As he was closing a most turgid oration by declaring ”that the said magistracy ought to receive some signal mark of the Lord-Lieutenant's favor,” John Egan, who was rather mellow, and sitting behind him, jocularly whispered, ”_and be whipped at the cart's tail_.”--”And be whipped at the cart's tail!” repeated Sir Frederick unconsciously, amidst peals of uncontrollable laughter.

DCx.x.xII.--WHO'S TO BLAME.

KING JAMES used to say, that he never knew a modest man make his way in a court. As he was repeating this expression one day, a David Floyd, who was then in waiting at his Majesty's elbow, replied bluntly, ”Pray, sir, whose _fault_ is that!” The king stood corrected, and was silent.