Part 32 (2/2)
Mr. Jeems did let drive, as advised, but all flew off, safe and sound.
”Hech, sir (remarks his friend), but ye've made thae yins s.h.i.+ft _their quarters_.”
DLXXVIII.--A LITERAL JOKE.
LORD ELDON always p.r.o.nounced the word _lien_ as though it were _lyon_; and Sir Arthur Pigot p.r.o.nounced the same word _lean_. On this Jekyll wrote the following epigram:--
”Sir Arthur, Sir Arthur, why, what do you mean, By saying the Chancellor's _lion_ is _lean_?
D'ye think that his kitchen's so bad as all that, That nothing within it will ever get fat?”
DLXXIX.--AN ARGUMENT.
SAYS P--l--s, ”Why the Bishops are By nature meant the _soil_ to share, I'll quickly make you understand; For can we not deduct with ease, That nature has designed the _seas_ Expressly to _divide the land_?”
DLx.x.x.--THE CANDLE AND LANTERN.
DURING the period Sir Busick Harwood was Professor of Anatomy in the University of Cambridge, he was called in, in a case of some difficulty, by the friends of a patient, who were anxious for his opinion of the malady. Being told the name of the medical man who had previously prescribed, Sir Busick exclaimed, ”He! if he were to descend into the patient's stomach with a _candle and lantern_, when he ascended he would not be able to name the complaint.”
DLx.x.xI.--ONE HEAD BETTER THAN A DOZEN.
KING HENRY VIII., designing to send an emba.s.sy to Francis I. at a very dangerous juncture, the n.o.bleman selected begged to be excused, saying, ”Such a threatening message to so hot a prince as Francis I. might go near to cost him his life.”--”Fear not,” said old Harry, ”if the French king should take away your life, I will take off the heads of a dozen Frenchmen now in my power.”--”But of all these heads,” replied the n.o.bleman, ”there may not be _one to fit_ my shoulders.”
DLx.x.xII.--KEEPING A CONSCIENCE.
THE great controversy on the propriety of requiring a subscription to articles of faith, as practised by the Church of England, excited at this time (1772) a very strong sensation amongst the members of the two universities. Paley, when pressed to sign the clerical pet.i.tion which was presented to the House of Commons for relief, excused himself, saying, ”He could not _afford_ to keep a conscience.”
DLx.x.xIII.--DEBTOR AND CREDITOR.
A TRADESMAN having dunned a customer for a long time, the debtor at last desired his servant one morning to admit him. ”My friend,” said he to him, ”I think you are a very honest fellow, and I have a great regard for you; therefore, I take this opportunity to tell you, that as I shall never pay you a farthing, you had better go home, mind your business, and don't lose your time by calling here. As for the others, they are a set of vagabonds, for whom _I have no affection_, and they may waste their time as they please.”
DLx.x.xIV.--PORTMANTEAU _v._ TRUNK.
SERJEANT WHITAKER, one of the most eminent lawyers of his day, was an eccentric. A friend, at one of the a.s.size towns, offered him a bed, and the next morning asked him if he had found himself comfortable and warm.
”Yes, madam,” replied the serjeant; ”yes, pretty well, on the whole. At first I felt a little queer for want of Mrs. Whitaker; but recollecting that my portmanteau was in the room, I threw it behind my back, and it _did every bit_ as well.”
DLx.x.xV.--SEEING A CORONATION.
A SAD mistake was once made at court by the beautiful and celebrated d.u.c.h.ess of Hamilton. Shortly before the death of George II., and whilst he was greatly indisposed, Miss Gunning, upon becoming d.u.c.h.ess of Hamilton, was presented to his majesty. The king, who was particularly pleased with the natural elegance and artlessness of her manner, indulged in a long conversation with her grace. In the course of this _tete-a-tete_ the d.u.c.h.ess said, with great animation, ”I have seen everything! There is only one thing in this world I wish to see, and I do long so much to see that!” The curiosity of the monarch was so greatly excited to know what this wonderful thing could be, that he eagerly asked her what it was. ”A coronation,” replied the thoughtless d.u.c.h.ess; nor was she at all conscious of the mistake she had made, till the king took her hand with a sigh, and with a melancholy expression replied, ”I apprehend you have not long to wait; you will soon have _your wish_.” Her grace was overwhelmed with confusion.
DLx.x.xVI.--HOOK'S POLITENESS.
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