Part 29 (2/2)

”Fear not--his head's not _charged_,” a friend replies.

DXXVII.--A PIECE OF PLATE.

A YOUNG actor having played a part tolerably well, Elliston one evening called him into the green-room, and addressed him to this effect: ”Young man, you have not only pleased the public, but you have pleased me; and, as a slight token of my regard and good wishes, I beg your acceptance of a small _piece of plate_.” It was, beyond all question, a _very_ small piece, for it was a silver toothpick!

DXXVIII.--EPISCOPAL SAUCE.

AT a dinner-party Archbishop Whately called out suddenly to the host, ”Mr. ----!” There was silence. ”Mr. ----, what is the proper female companion of this John Dory?” After the usual number of guesses an answer came, ”_Anne Chovy_.”

DXXIX.--A GOOD CRITIC.

A FRIEND of an artist was endeavoring to persuade him not to bestow so much time upon his works. ”You do not know, then,” said he, ”that I have a master very difficult to please?”--”Who?”--”_Myself_.”

Dx.x.x.--WILKES'S TERGIVERSATION.

WILKES, one day in his later life, went to Court, when George III. asked him, in a good-natured tone of banter, how his friend Serjeant Glynn was. Glynn had been one of his most furious partisans. Wilkes replied, with affected gravity, ”Nay, sire, don't call Serjeant Glynn a friend of mine; the fellow was a _Wilkite_, which your Majesty knows _I never was_.”

Dx.x.xI.--A SLIGHT ERUPTION.

A PERSON came almost breathless to Lord Thurlow, and exclaimed, ”My lord, I bring tidings of calamity to the nation!”--”What has happened, man?” said the astonished Chancellor. ”My lord, a rebellion has broken out.”--”Where? where?”--”In the _Isle of Man_.”--”In the Isle of Man,”

repeated the enraged Chancellor. ”A tempest in a teapot!”

Dx.x.xII.--SMOKING AN M.P.

AN honorable member, speaking about the tax on _tobacco_, somewhat ludicrously called for certain _returns_.

Dx.x.xIII.--A TIMELY REPROOF.

A YOUNG chaplain had preached a sermon of great length. ”Sir,” said Lord Mulgrave, bowing to him, ”there were some things in your sermon of to-day I never heard before.”--”O, my lord!” said the flattered chaplain, ”it is a common text, and I could not have hoped to have said anything new on the subject.”--”I heard the clock _strike twice_,” said Lord Mulgrave.

Dx.x.xIV.--REPROOF.

”I CAN'T find bread for my family,” said a lazy fellow in company. ”Nor I,” replied an industrious miller; ”I am obliged to _work_ for it.”

Dx.x.xV.--A SATISFACTORY REASON.

MR. ALEXANDER, the architect of several fine buildings in the county of Kent, was under cross-examination at Maidstone, by Serjeant (afterwards Baron) Garrow, who wished to detract from the weight of his testimony.

”You are a builder, I believe?”--”No, sir: I am not a builder; I am an architect!”--”Ah, well! architect or builder, builder or architect, they are much the same, I suppose?”--”I beg your pardon, sir; I cannot admit that: I consider them to be totally different!”--”O, indeed! perhaps you will state wherein this great difference consists?”--”An architect, sir, prepares the plans, conceives the design, draws out the specifications,--in short, supplies the mind. The builder is merely the bricklayer or the carpenter: the builder, in fact, is the machine,--the architect the power that puts the machine together, and sets it going!”--”O, very well, Mr. Architect, that will do! And now, after your very ingenious distinction without a difference, perhaps you can inform the court who was the architect for the Tower of Babel!”--”There was _no_ architect, sir, and hence _the confusion_!”

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