Part 24 (1/2)

CDx.x.x.--”AYE! THERE'S THE RUB.”

A GENTLEMAN, playing at piquet, was much teased by a looker-on who was short-sighted, and, having a very long nose, greatly incommoded the player. To get rid of the annoyance, the player took out his handkerchief, and applied it to the nose of his officious neighbor. ”Ah!

sir,” said he, ”I beg your pardon, but I really took it for _my own_.”

CDx.x.xI.--MORAL EQUALITY OF MAN.

ALL honest men, whether counts or cobblers, are of the same rank, if cla.s.sed by moral distinctions.

CDx.x.xII.--A SILK GOWN.

GRATTAN said of Hussey Burgh, who had been a great Liberal, but, on getting his silk gown, became a Ministerialist, that all men knew silk to be a non-conducting body, and that since the honorable member had been enveloped _in silk_, no spark of _patriotism_ had reached his heart.

CDx.x.xIII.--EPIGRAM BY A PLUCKED MAN.

EVERY Cantab, it is presumed, knows where Shelford Fen is, and that it is famous for rearing geese. A luckless wight, who had the misfortune to be _plucked_ at his examination for the degree of B.A., when the Rev. T.

Shelford was his examiner, made the following extemporaneous epigram:--

”I have heard they _plucked_ geese upon _Shelford_ Fen, But never till now knew that _Shelford_ plucked men.”

CDx.x.xIV.--THE MEASURE OF A BRAIN.

ONE afternoon, when Jerrold was in his garden at Putney, enjoying a gla.s.s of claret, a friend called upon him. The conversation ran on a certain dull fellow, whose wealth made him prominent at that time.

”Yes,” said Jerrold, drawing his finger round the edge of his winegla.s.s, ”that's the range of his intellect, only it had never anything half so good in it.”

CDx.x.xV.--FOOTE AND LORD TOWNSEND.

FOOTE, dining one day with Lord Townsend, after his duel with Lord Bellamont, the wine being bad, and the dinner ill-dressed, made Foote observe, that he could not discover what reason could compel his lords.h.i.+p to fight, when he might have effected his purpose with much more ease to himself. ”How?” asked his lords.h.i.+p. ”How?” replied the wit, ”why you should have given him a _dinner_ like this, and _poisoned him_.”

CDx.x.xVI.--UNREASONABLE.

”TOM,” said a colonel to one of his men, ”how can so good and brave a soldier as you get drunk so often?”--”Colonel,” replied he, ”how can you expect all the _virtues_ that adorn the human character for _sixpence_ a-day?”

CDx.x.xVII.--AN HONEST WARRANTY.

A GENTLEMAN once bought a horse of a country-dealer. The bargain concluded, and the money paid, the gentleman said, ”Now, my friend, I have bought your horse, what are his faults?”--”I know of no faults that he has, except two,” replied the man; ”and _one_ is, that he is hard to catch.”--”Oh! never mind that,” said the buyer, ”I will contrive to catch him at any time, I will engage; but what is the other?”--”Ah, sir!

that is the worst,” answered the fellow; ”he is good for nothing when you _have_ caught him.”

CDx.x.xVIII.--THE REASON WHY.