Part 23 (1/2)

THY speeches are immortal, O my friend, For he that hears them--hears them to _no end_.

CDXIII.--A CONSIDERATE SON.

A WITCH, being at the stake to be burnt, saw her son there, and desired him to give her some drink. ”No, mother,” said he, ”it would do you wrong, for the _drier_ you are, the better you will burn.”

CDXIV.--DANGEROUSLY WELL.

LORD BYRON, in reference to a lady he thought ill of, writes, ”Lady ---- has been dangerously ill; but it may console you to learn that she is _dangerously well_ again.”

CDXV.--EPIGRAM.

(On Lord E--nb----h's pericranium.)

LET none because of its abundant _locks_, Deceive themselves by thinking for a minute, That dandy E--nb----h's ”knowledge-box”

Has anything worth larceny within it.

CDXVI.--A NEW SCHOLAR.

A CALIFORNIAN gold digger having become rich, desired a friend to procure for him a library of books. The friend obeyed, and received a letter of thanks thus worded: ”I am obliged to you for the pains of your selection. I particularly admire a grand religious poem about Paradise, by a Mr. Milton, and a set of plays (quite delightful) by a Mr.

Shakespeare. _If these gentlemen should write and publish anything more, be sure and send me their new works_.”

CDXVII.--PUTTING A STOP TO PILGRIM'S PROGRESS.

JEMMY GORDON, meeting the prosecutor of a felon, named _Pilgrim_, who was convicted and sentenced to be transported at the Cambridge a.s.sizes, exclaimed, ”You have done, sir, what the Pope of Rome could never do; you have put a stop to _Pilgrim's Progress_!”

CDXVIII.--EPIGRAM.

LIFE is a lottery where we find That fortune plays full many a prank; And when poor ---- got his mind, 'Twas fortune made him _draw a blank_.

CDXIX.--A SUDDEN CHANGE.

ONE drinking some beer at a petty ale-house in the country, which was very strong of the hops and hardly any taste of the malt, was asked by the landlord, if it was not well hopped. ”Yes,” answered he, ”if it had hopped a little farther, it would have _hopped into the water_.”

CDXX.--VALUABLE DISCOVERY.

A RECENT philosopher discovered a method to avoid being dunned!

”How--how--how?” we hear everybody asking. He _never_ run in debt.

CDXXI.--A USEFUL ALLY.

”_Cracked_ China mended!” Zounds, man, off this minute! There's work for you, or else the deuce is in it!