Part 21 (1/2)

CCCLXXVIII.--EPIGRAM.

IF L--d--d--y has a grain of sense, He can be only half a lord 'tis clear; For from the fact we draw the inference, He's that which never has been made _a peer_.

CCCLXXIX.--A BROAD-BRIM HINT.

A QUAKER said to a gunner, ”Friend, I counsel no bloodshed; but if it be thy design _to hit_ the little man in the blue jacket, point thine engine three inches lower.”

CCCLx.x.x.--AN ORDER FOR TWO.

AT the last rehearsal of ”Joanna,” Mr. Wild, the prompter, asked the author for an order to admit two friends to the boxes; and whether Mr.

c.u.mberland was thinking of the probable proceeds of his play, or whether his anxiety otherwise bewildered him, cannot be ascertained; but he wrote, instead of the usual ”two to the boxes”--”admit _two pounds two_.”

CCCLx.x.xI.--EPIGRAM FROM THE ITALIAN.

HIS hair so black,--his beard so gray, 'Tis strange! But would you know the cause?

'Tis that his labors always lay, Less on his brain than on his _jaws_.

CCCLx.x.xII.--MARRIAGE.

A WIDOWER, having taken another wife, was, nevertheless, always paying some panegyric to the memory of his late spouse, in the presence of his present one; who one day added, with great feeling, ”Believe me, my dear, n.o.body regrets _her loss_ more than I do.”

CCCLx.x.xIII.--FIs.h.i.+NG FOR A COMPLIMENT.

A YOUNG man having preached for the doctor one day, was anxious to get a word of applause for his labor of love. The grave doctor, however, did not introduce the subject, and his younger brother was obliged to bait the hook for him. ”I hope, sir, I did not weary your people by the _length_ of my sermon to-day?”--”No, sir, not at all; nor by the _depth_ either!” The young man was silent.

CCCLx.x.xIV.--VISIBLE PROOF.

AN Irishman being asked on a late trial for a certificate of his marriage, exhibited a _huge scar_ on his head, which looked as though it might have been made with a fire-shovel. The evidence was satisfactory.

CCCLx.x.xV.--SIMPLICITY OF THE LEARNED PORSON.

THE great scholar had a horror of the east wind; and Tom Sheridan once kept him prisoner in the house for a fortnight by _fixing_ the weatherc.o.c.k in that direction.

CCCLx.x.xVI.--EPIGRAM ADDRESSED TO MISS EDGEWORTH.

WE every-day bards may ”Anonymous” sign: That refuge, Miss Edgeworth, can never be thine: Thy writings, where satire and moral unite, Must bring forth the name of their author to light.

Good and bad join in telling the source of their birth, The bad own their _Edge_ and the good own their _worth_.

CCCLx.x.xVII.--KEEN REPLY.

A RETIRED vocalist, who had acquired a large fortune by marriage, was asked to sing in company. ”Allow me,” said he, ”to imitate the nightingale, which does not sing after it has _made its nest_.”

CCCLx.x.xVIII.--A GOOD EXAMPLE.

IN the House of Commons, the grand characteristic of the office of the Speaker is silence; and he fills the place best who best holds his tongue. There are other _speakers_ in the House (not official) who would show their sagacity by following the example of their President.