Part 11 (2/2)

_What a terrible scamp little Turncoat must be_!”

CCV.--MODEST.

IT has been said that a lady once asked Lord B--g--m who was the best debater in the House of Lords. His lords.h.i.+p modestly replied, ”Lord Stanley is the _second_, madam.”

CCVI.--A JOINT CONCERN.

A STUPID fellow employed in blowing a cathedral organ, said after the performance of a fine anthem, ”I think we performed very well to-day.”--”_We_ performed!” answered the organist; ”I think it was _I_ performed, or I am much mistaken.” Shortly after another celebrated piece of music was to be played. In the middle of the anthem the organ stopped; the organist cried out in a pa.s.sion, ”Why don't you blow?” The fellow popped out his head from behind the organ, and said, ”Shall it be _we_ then?”

CCVII.--PROFESSIONAL.

AN editor at a dinner-table being asked if he would take some pudding, replied, in a fit of abstraction, ”Owing to a crowd of other matter, we are unable to find room for it.”

CCVIII.--A GOOD REASON.

A RICH peer resolved to make his will; and having remembered all his domestics except his steward, the omission was respectfully pointed out to him by the lawyer. ”I shall leave him nothing,” said the n.o.bleman, ”because he has _served me_ these twenty years.”

CCIX.--ON A BAD MAN.

BY imbecility and fears Will is restrain'd from doing ill; His mind a porcupine appears, A porcupine _without a quill_.

CCX.--A CLEVER DOG.

AFTER witnessing the first representation of a dog-piece by Reynolds, called the ”Caravan,” Sheridan suddenly came into the green-room, on purpose, it was imagined, to wish the author joy. ”Where is he?” was the first question: ”where is my guardian angel?”--”Here I am,” answered Reynolds. ”Pooh!” replied Sheridan, ”I don't mean _you_, I mean _the dog_.”

CCXI.--A KNOTTY POINT.

THE Bristol magistrates were at the time of the great riots _scattered_ through the town. They argued that under the circ.u.mstances it was impossible they could have been _collected_.

CCXII.--GEORGE SELWYN.

THIS gentleman, travelling in a stage-coach, was interrupted by the frequent impertinence of a companion, who was constantly teazing him with questions and asking him how he did. ”How are you now, sir?” said the impertinent. George, in order to get rid of his importunity, replied, ”Very well; and I intend to continue so _all the rest_ of the journey.”

CCXIII.--EMPEROR OF CHINA.

SIR G. STAUNTON related a curious anecdote of old Kien Long, Emperor of China. He was inquiring of Sir George the manner in which physicians were paid in England. When, after some difficulty, his majesty was made to comprehend the system, he exclaimed, ”Is any man well in England, that can afford to be ill? Now, I will inform you,” said he, ”how I manage my physicians. I have four, to whom the care of my health is committed: a certain weekly salary is allowed them, but the moment I am ill, the salary stops till I am well again. I need not inform you my illnesses are _usually short_.”

CCXIV.--LANDLORD AND TENANTS.

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