Part 12 (1/2)
SAYS his landlord to Thomas, ”Your rent I must raise, I'm so plaguily pinch'd for the pelf.”
”Raise my rent!” replies Thomas; ”your honor's main good; For I never can _raise it_ myself.”
CCXV.--AN UGLY DOG.
JERROLD had a favorite dog that followed him everywhere. One day in the country, a lady who was pa.s.sing turned round and said, audibly, ”What an ugly little brute!” whereupon Jerrold, addressing the lady, replied, ”Oh, madam! I wonder what he thinks _about us_ at this moment!”
CCXVI.--THE WRONG LEG.
MATHEWS being invited by D'Egville to dine one day with him at Brighton, D'Egville inquired what was Mathews's favorite dish? A roasted leg of pork, with sage and onions. This was provided; and D'Egville, carving, could not find the stuffing. He turned the joint about, but in vain.
Poole was at table, and, in his quiet way, said, ”Don't make yourself unhappy, D'Egville; _perhaps it is in the other leg_.”
CCXVII.--FEMALE TALKERS.
IT was customary in some parish churches for the men to be placed on one side, and the women on the other. A clergyman, in the midst of his sermon, found himself interrupted by the talking of some of the congregation, of which he was obliged to take notice. A woman immediately rose, and wis.h.i.+ng to clear her own s.e.x from the aspersion, said: ”Observe, at least, your reverence, it is not on our side.”--”So much the better, good woman, so much the better,” answered the clergyman; ”it will be the _sooner over_.”
CCXVIII.--FIGHTING BY MEASURE.
THE usual place of resort for Dublin duellists was called the Fifteen Acres. An attorney of that city, in penning a challenge, thought most likely he was drawing a lease, and invited his antagonist to meet him at ”the place called Fifteen Acres--'be the same more or less.'”
CCXIX.--SUGGESTION.
”DO you know what made my voice so melodious?” said a celebrated vocal performer, of awkward manners, to Charles Bannister. ”No,” replied the other. ”Why, then, I'll tell you: when I was about fifteen, I swallowed, by accident, some train oil.”--”I don't think,” rejoined Bannister, ”it would have done you any harm if, at the same time, you had _swallowed a dancing-master_!”
CCXX.--THE FORCE OF SATIRE.
JACOB JOHNSON, the publisher, having refused to advance Dryden a sum of money for a work upon which he was engaged, the incensed bard sent a message to him, and the following lines, adding, ”Tell the dog that he who wrote these can write more”:--
”With leering looks, bull-necked, and freckled face, With two left legs, and Judas-colored hair, And frowsy pores, that taint the ambient air!”
Johnson felt the force of the description; and, to avoid, a completion of the portrait, immediately sent the money.
CCXXI.--THE ANGLO-FRENCH ALLIANCE.
JERROLD was in France, and with a Frenchman who was enthusiastic on the subject of the Anglo-French alliance. He said that he was proud to see the English and French such good friends at last. ”Tut! the best thing I know between France and England is--_the sea_,” said Jerrold.
CCXXII.--QUIN'S SAYING.
ON the 30th of January (the martyrdom of King Charles the First), Quin used to say, ”Every king in Europe would rise with a _crick in his neck_.”
CCXXIII.--A GOOD REASON.