Part 10 (1/2)
CLXXVIII.--AN ODD COMPARISON.
SIR WILLIAM B---- being at a parish meeting, made some proposals, which were objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, ”Sir,” says he to the farmer, ”do you know, sir, that I have been at the two universities, and at two colleges in each university?”--”Well, sir,” said the farmer, ”what of that? I had a calf that sucked two cows, and the observation I made was, the more he sucked, the greater _calf_ he grew.”
CLXXIX.--ON THE RIGHT SIDE.
IT was said of one that remembered everything that he lent, but nothing that he borrowed, ”that he had _lost half_ of his memory.”
CLx.x.x.--CAUSE OF ABSENCE.
WHEN the late Lord Campbell married Miss Scarlett, and departed on his wedding trip, Mr. Justice Abbott observed, when a cause was called on in the Bench, ”I thought, Mr. Brougham, that Mr. Campbell was in this case?”--”Yes, my lord,” replied Brougham, ”but I understand he is ill--suffering from _Scarlett fever_.”
CLx.x.xI.--THE SCOLD'S VOCABULARY.
THE copiousness of the English language perhaps was never more apparent than in the following character, by a lady, of her own husband:--
”He is,” says she, ”an abhorred, barbarous, capricious, detestable, envious, fastidious, hard-hearted, illiberal, ill-natured, jealous, keen, loathsome, malevolent, nauseous, obstinate, pa.s.sionate, quarrelsome, raging, saucy, tantalizing, uncomfortable, vexatious, abominable, bitter, captious, disagreeable, execrable, fierce, grating, gross, hasty, malicious, nefarious, obstreperous, peevish, restless, savage, tart, unpleasant, violent, waspish, worrying, acrimonious, bl.u.s.tering, careless, discontented, fretful, growling, hateful, inattentive, malignant, noisy, odious, perverse, rigid, severe, teasing, unsuitable, angry, boisterous, choleric, disgusting, gruff, hectoring, incorrigible, mischievous, negligent, offensive, pettish, roaring, sharp, sluggish, snapping, snarling, sneaking, sour, testy, tiresome, tormenting, touchy, arrogant, austere, awkward, boorish, brawling, brutal, bullying, churlish, clamorous, crabbed, cross, currish, dismal, dull, dry, drowsy, grumbling, horrid, huffish, insolent, intractable, irascible, ireful, morose, murmuring, opinionated, oppressive, outrageous, overbearing, petulant, plaguy, rough, rude, rugged, spiteful, splenetic, stern, stubborn, stupid, sulky, sullen, surly, suspicious, treacherous, troublesome, turbulent, tyrannical, virulent, wrangling, yelping dog-in-a-manger.”
CLx.x.xII.--A FAMILIAR ILl.u.s.tRATION.
A MEDICAL student under examination, being asked the different effects of heat and cold, replied: ”Heat expands and cold contracts.”--”Quite right; can you give me an example?”--”Yes, sir, in summer, which is hot, the days are longer; but in winter, which is _cold_, the days are _shorter_.”
CLx.x.xIII.--HAPPINESS.
HAPPINESS grows at our own firesides, and is not to be picked in strangers' gardens.
CLx.x.xIV.--TRANSPOSING A COMPLIMENT.
IT was said of a work (which had been inspected by a severe critic), in terms which at first appeared very flattering, ”There is a great deal in this book which is new, and a great deal that is true.” So far good, the author would think; but then came the negation: ”But it unfortunately happens, that those portions which are _new_ are not _true_, and those which are _true_ are not _new_!”
CLx.x.xV.--A HANDSOME CONTRIBUTION.
A GENTLEMAN waited upon Jerrold one morning to enlist his sympathies in behalf of a mutual friend, who was constantly in want of a round sum of money.
”Well,” said Jerrold, who had contributed on former occasions, ”how much does ---- want this time?”
”Why, just a four and two noughts will, I think, put him straight,” the bearer of the hat replied.
_Jerrold._--”Well, put me down for one of the noughts this time.”
CLx.x.xVI.--WASTE OF TIME.
AN old man of ninety having recovered from a very dangerous illness, his friends congratulated him, and encouraged him to get up. ”Alas!” said he to them, ”it is hardly worth while to _dress_ myself again.”