Part 9 (1/2)

CLX.--NOT _versus_ NOTT.

A GENTLEMAN of Maudlin, whose name was _Nott_, returning late from his friend's rooms, attracted the attention of the proctor, who demanded his name and college. ”I am _Nott_ of Maudlin,” was the reply, hiccupping.

”Sir,” said the proctor, in an angry tone, ”I did not ask of what college you are _not_, but of what college you are.”--”I am _Nott_ of Maudlin,” was again the broken reply. The proctor, enraged at what he considered contumely, insisted on accompanying him to Maudlin, and demanded of the porter, ”whether he knew the gentleman.”--”Know him, sir,” said the porter, ”yes, it is Mr. _Nott_ of this college.” The proctor now perceived his error in _not_ understanding the gentleman, and wished him a good night.

CLXI.--A c.o.c.kNEY EPIGRAM.

In Parliament, it's plain enough, No reverence for age appears; For they who hear each speaker's _stuff_, Find there is no respect for _(y) ears_.

CLXII.--THE PINK OF POLITENESS.

LORD BERKELEY was once dining with Lord Chesterfield (the pink of politeness) and a large party, when it was usual to drink wine until they were mellow. Berkeley had by accident shot one of his gamekeepers, and Chesterfield, under the warmth of wine, said, ”Pray, my Lord Berkeley, how long is it since you shot a gamekeeper?”--”Not since you hanged _your tutor_, my lord!” was the reply. You know that Lord Chesterfield brought Dr. Dodd to trial, in consequence of which he was hanged.

CLXIII.--HIGH AND LOW.

”I EXPECT six clergymen to dine with me on such a day,” said a gentleman to his butler. ”Very good, sir,” said the butler. ”Are they High Church or Low Church, sir?”--”What on earth can that signify to you?” asked the astonished master. ”Every thing, sir,” was the reply. ”If they are High Church, they'll drink; if they are Low Church, _they'll eat_!”

CLXIV.--CITY LOVE.

IN making love let poor men sigh, But love that's ready-made is better For men of business;--so I, If madam will be cruel, let her.

But should she wish that I should wait And miss the 'Change,--oh no, I thank her, I court by _deed_, or after _date_, Through my solicitor or banker.

CLXV.--INGENIOUS REPLY OF A SOLDIER.

A SOLDIER in the army of the Duke of Marlborough took the name of that general, who reprimanded him for it. ”How am I to blame, general?” said the soldier. ”I have the choice of names; if I had known one more ill.u.s.trious _than yours_, I should have taken it.”

CLXVI.--LORD CHESTERFIELD.

WHEN Lord Chesterfield was in administration, he proposed a person to his late majesty as proper to fill a place of great trust, but which the king himself was determined should be filled by another. The council, however, resolved not to indulge the king, for fear of a dangerous precedent, and it was Lord Chesterfield's business to present the grant of office for the king's signature. Not to incense his majesty by asking him abruptly, he, with accents of great humility, begged to know with whose name his majesty would be pleased to have the blanks filled up.

”With the _devil's_!” replied the king, in a paroxysm of rage. ”And shall the instrument,” said the Earl, coolly, ”run as usual, _Our trusty and well-beloved cousin and counsellor_?”--a repartee at which the king laughed heartily, and with great good-humor signed the grant.

CLXVII.--SPECIAL PLEADING.

WHEN a very eminent special pleader was asked by a country gentleman if he considered that his son was likely to succeed as a special pleader, he replied, ”Pray, sir, can your son _eat saw-dust without b.u.t.ter_?”

CLXVIII.--ON A NEW DUKE.

ASK you why gold and velvet bind The temples of that cringing thief?

Is it so strange a thing to find A toad beneath a strawberry leaf?

CLXIX.--THE ZODIAC CLUB.