Part 3 (2/2)
Our _wives_ on _diamonds_ set their _hearts_, _We_ set our _hearts_ on _clubs_!
LIX.--MISTAKEN IDENt.i.tY.
A PHYSICIAN attending a lady several times, had received a couple of guineas each visit; at last, when he was going away, she gave him but one; at which he was surprised, and looking on the floor, ”I believe, madam,” said he, ”I have _dropt a guinea_.”--”No, sir,” replied the lady, ”it is I that have _dropt it_.”
LX.--ALONE IN HIS GLORY.
A FACETIOUS fellow having unwittingly offended a conceited puppy, the latter told him he was no ”gentleman.”--”Are _you_ a gentleman?” asked the droll one. ”Yes, sir,” bounced the fop. ”Then, I am very glad _I am not_,” replied the other.
LXI.--A CAPITAL LETTER.
DR. LLOYD, Bishop of Worcester, so eminent for his prophecies, when by his solicitations and compliance at court he got removed from a poor Welsh bishopric to a rich English one, a reverend dean of the Church said, that he found his brother Lloyd spelt _Prophet_ with an F.
LXII.--A GOOD PARSON.
DR. HICKRINGAL, who was one of King Charles the Second's chaplains, whenever he preached before his Majesty, was sure to tell him of his faults from the pulpit. One day his Majesty met the doctor in the Mall, and said to him, ”Doctor, what have I done to you that you are always quarrelling with me?”--”I hope your Majesty is not angry with me,” quoth the doctor, ”for telling the truth.”--”No, no,” says the king, ”but I would have us for the future be friends.”--”Well, well,” quoth the doctor, ”I will make it up with your Majesty on these terms,--as _you mend I'll mend_.”
LXIII.--SUBTRACTION AND ADDITION.
A CHIMNEY-SWEEPER'S boy went into a baker's shop for a twopenny loaf, and conceiving it to be diminutive in size, remarked to the baker that he did not believe it was weight. ”Never mind that,” said the man of dough, ”you will have _the less to carry_.”--”True,” replied the lad, and throwing three half-pence on the counter left the shop. The baker called after him that he had not left money enough. ”Never mind that,”
said young sooty, ”you will have _the less to count_.”
LXIV.--THE DOCTRINE OF CHANCES.
LORD KAMES used to relate a story of a man who claimed the honor of his acquaintance on rather singular grounds. His lords.h.i.+p, when one of the justiciary judges, returning from the north circuit to Perth, happened one night to sleep at Dunkeld. The next morning, walking towards the ferry, but apprehending he had missed his way, he asked a man whom he met to conduct him. The other answered with much cordiality: ”That I will do, with all my heart, my lord; does not your lords.h.i.+p remember me?
My name's John ----; I have had the honor to be before your lords.h.i.+p for stealing sheep?”--”Oh, John, I remember you well; and how is your wife?
she had the honor to be before me, too, for receiving them, knowing them to be stolen.”--”At your lords.h.i.+p's service. We were very lucky, we got off for want of evidence; and I am still going on in the butcher trade.”--”Then,” replied his lords.h.i.+p, ”we may have the honor of _meeting again_.”
LXV.--A LATE EDITION.
IT was with as much delicacy as satire that Porson returned, with the ma.n.u.script of a friend, the answer, ”That it would be read when Homer and Virgil were forgotten, _but not till then_.”
LXVI.--VERSES WRITTEN ON A WINDOW IN THE HIGHLANDS OF SCOTLAND.
SCOTLAND! thy weather's like a modish wife, Thy winds and rains for ever are at strife; So termagant awhile her thunder tries, And when she can no longer scold, she cries.
LXVII.--THREE TOUCHSTONES.
AN ancient sage uttered the following apothegm:--”The goodness of gold is tried by fire, the goodness of women by gold, and the goodness of men by the ordeal of women.”
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