Part 3 (1/2)
L.--”JUNIUS” DISCOVERED.
MR. ROGERS was requested by Lady Holland to ask Sir Philip Francis whether he was the author of Junius. The poet approached the knight, ”Will you, Sir Philip,--will your kindness excuse my addressing to you a single question?”--”At your peril, sir!” was the harsh and the laconic answer. The intimidated bard retreated to his friends, who eagerly asked him the result of his application. ”I don't know,” he answered, ”whether he is _Junius_; but, if he be, he is certainly _Junius Brutus_.”
LI.--A WEAK WOMAN.
A LOVING husband once waited on a physician to request him to prescribe for his wife's eyes, which were very sore. ”Let her wash them,” said the doctor, ”every morning with a small gla.s.s of brandy.” A few weeks after, the doctor chanced to meet the husband. ”Well, my friend, has your wife followed my advice?”--”She has done everything in her power to do it, doctor”; said the spouse, ”but she never could get the gla.s.s _higher than her mouth_.”
LII.--TOO MANY COOKS.
ELWES, the noted miser, used to say, ”If you keep one servant, your work is done; if you keep two, it is half done; and if you keep three, you may _do it yourself_.”
LIII.--LOOK IN HIS FACE.
ADMIRAL LORD HOWE, when a captain, was once hastily awakened in the middle of the night by the lieutenant of the watch, who informed him with great agitation that the s.h.i.+p was on fire near the magazine. ”If that be the case,” said he, rising leisurely to put on his clothes, ”we shall soon know it.” The lieutenant flew back to the scene of danger, and almost instantly returning, exclaimed, ”You need not, sir, be afraid, the fire is extinguished.”--”Afraid!” exclaimed Howe, ”what do you mean by that, sir? I never was afraid in my life”; and looking the lieutenant full in the face, he added, ”Pray, how does a man feel, sir, when he is afraid? _I need not ask how he looks_.”
LIV.--NOTHING BUT THE ”BILL.”
JOHN HORNE TOOKE'S opinion upon the subject of law was admirable. ”Law,”
he said, ”ought to be, not a luxury for the rich, but a remedy, to be easily, cheaply, and speedily obtained by the poor.” A person observed to him, how excellent are the English laws, because they are impartial, and our courts of justice are open to all persons without distinction.
”And so,” said Tooke, ”is the _London Tavern_, to such as can afford to _pay for their entertainment_.”
LV.--AN EXTINGUISHER.
WHILE Commodore Anson's s.h.i.+p, the Centurion, was engaged in close fight, with the rich Spanish galleon, which he afterwards took, a sailor came running to him, and cried out, ”Sir, our s.h.i.+p is on fire very near the powder magazine.”--”Then pray, friend,” said the commodore, not in the least degree discomposed, ”_run back and a.s.sist in putting it out_.”
LVI.--A BAD SHOT.
A c.o.c.kNEY being out one day amusing himself with shooting, happened to fire through a hedge, on the other side of which was a man standing. The shot pa.s.sed through the man's hat, but missed the bird. ”Did you fire at me, sir?” he hastily asked. ”O! no, sir,” said the shrewd sportsman, ”I _never hit_ what I fire at.”
LVII.--WISE PRECAUTION.
IT is related of the great Dr. Clarke, that when in one of his leisure hours he was unbending himself with a few friends in the most playful and frolicsome manner, he observed Beau Nash approaching; upon which he suddenly stopped: ”My boys,” said he, ”let us be _grave_: here comes a _fool_.”
LVIII.--A TRUMP CARD.
AT one of the Holland-house Sunday dinner-parties, a year or two ago, Crockford's Club, then forming, was talked of; and the n.o.ble hostess observed, that the female pa.s.sion for diamonds was surely less ruinous than the rage for play among men. ”In short, you think,” said Mr.
Rogers, ”that _clubs_ are worse than _diamonds_.” This joke excited a laugh; and when it had subsided, Sydney Smith wrote the following _impromptu_ sermonet--most appropriately _on a card_:--
Thoughtless that ”all that's brightest fades,”
Unmindful of that _Knave of Spades_, The s.e.xton and his Subs: How foolishly we play our parts!