Part 7 (1/2)

Charlotte knew fewer girls liked to play on the left wing so she yielded her coveted place as right wing to Teresa Hubert and started playing on the left whenever she could. She found it harder in some ways but it also gave her a better tactical perspective.

”What's come over you? You're like a machine,” one of the other girls complained, struggling to keep up with her in drills.

Charlotte had also worked on becoming fitter and faster. There were a couple of sixth form girls who did compet.i.tive cross country and trained in their spare time, so she joined them. They were hearty girls who didn't mind if they were running with a Lower School girl so long as she didn't hold them back.

It didn't take long before her hockey game began to transform. Miss Partridge had no idea what was behind Charlotte's quantum leap in progress but she did start to think about trying her out for the senior squad.

Laura had decided to tell Susie about the plan to stay with Mr Rydell over exeat. She felt like she would burst if she didn't confide in someone. She also needed rea.s.surance or some kind of reaction since her own feelings were so confused.

Susie was delighted when Laura revealed her secret. ”A dirty weekend with a teacher!” she said. ”It makes my trip to St Duncan's seem very tame.”

Laura wanted to protest about it being called a dirty weekend but in reality she had a creeping fear inside. How far would Mr Rydell expect her to go? She remembered what he had said about ”all or nothing”. At the time she had been certain she wanted all, or could cope with all, but now she faltered.

Noticing the worry in her eyes, Susie was perceptive enough to guess what it was about. ”If you're not ready, you just tell him,” she said. ”Just because you stay over doesn't mean you have to go all the way. You're not on the Pill are you?” Laura wasn't. ”Well make sure you tell him that too. You don't want to end up like that girl everyone always goes on about.”

”Lucy Martin.”

”Yes, her.”

Laura wondered what Lucy Martin was doing now. Had she ever made it to university? She must be in her early twenties now, it seemed ancient. Then she remembered that Mr Rydell was even older than that. When she was with him his age never mattered to her. If anything it was a thrill that he was so much older and more experienced than her.

But now she thought about Lucy Martin, and felt anxious. Was she out of her depth?

”Don't worry about it, I'm sure he won't let that happen,” Susie said. ”You'd have more fear of that with a Dunks boy not knowing what to do.”

”You'd better be careful yourself then,” Laura said, referring to Susie's own plans to spend the weekend with Darius.

”Like I said, it's solely for fun. We're not planning an orgy.”

”Dear Diary, I don't know if it's safe to write my thoughts here any longer. I want to write more than ever but I find it harder and harder to write anything. And it's not just about me anymore, is it?”

PART II.

Falling.

We that were friends to-night have found A sudden fear, a secret flame: I am on fire with that soft sound You make, in uttering my name.

James Elroy Flecker.

13. Losing control.

It was Friday evening and the day was drawing to a close. There was a whirl of activity as girls rushed off to be picked up by parents and guardians for the exeat. Some had to wait until Sat.u.r.day morning if their parents lived further away, but school formalities were relaxed and there was a spirit of holidays.

Laura felt strangely left out. She wasn't sure why. She couldn't wait to see Mr Rydell though she felt nearly sick with terror. It felt like an invisible curtain was coming down between her and everyone else, that she was moving to a place they couldn't visit.

Making her way up the path towards the groundsman's cottages was like walking the gauntlet. She had chosen a good moment to slip away, but it still felt as though a thousand eyes were upon her. It would only take one person to spot her and investigate and everything would be a disaster.

But somehow, she made it.

She knocked and he opened the door and she stepped inside. She had never been in the cottages before. The interior was quite spartan, much like their dorms. The school had apparently used similar fittings.

It was strange to see Mr Rydell in casual clothes. Male staff at Francis Hall were required to wear a jacket and tie. Seeing him wearing something else was strange. It was like discovering another person: he had this whole other life that she knew nothing about.

”I'm glad you made it,” he said. Then his arms were around her, and they were kissing, urgently. It was a relief as much as it was wonderful. It took some of the strangeness away.

Laura still had her thick school coat on, restricting her. He slipped his hands inside it and pulled it down off her shoulders to the floor.

Now she was free to wrap her arms around him equally, as he again pushed her against the wall. He moved his thigh up between hers, hard, and she nearly lost her balance.

She was pinned, she couldn't move except to kiss him back and let him kiss her face, her neck, run his hands over her body.

When he broke away his voice was ragged. ”Christ, what you do to me. I fully intended to start by offering you a drink and just talking, but something overtakes me.”

She was breathless as well. Scared by the force of his pa.s.sion and her own, and his strength and the control he had over her, but also thrilled by the way she was able to affect him.

”What would you like? Wine? c.o.ke? Tea?”

She didn't want tea because of the time it took to make it. She didn't much like wine, but it might calm her nerves. Or she might drink too quickly and be ill. c.o.ke seemed like the childish option.

”Just water if you have it.”

He fetched her a gla.s.s, and they sat down on the sofa. The gas fire was identical to other ones in the school. It was disconcerting to have all these reminders.

”This isn't something I've ever done before,” he said. ”Crossing the line with a pupil is the most serious thing any teacher can do. I don't know what is different about you, but from the first time I saw you I haven't been able to get you out of my head.”

Laura could hardly speak. She managed to say ”likewise”.

They were sitting apart, not touching, and she didn't know what to do with herself except hold the gla.s.s of water.

”Come here.” He took the water out of her hand and pulled her closer to him, his arm around her.

”You have no idea of the times I've seen you and had to walk away, because I feared I would do something that I would regret.”

”I used to love it when you came and talked to me,” she said.

He gave her one of his rare smiles. ”Now at least we can do that without fear of the bell.”

He asked about her time at Francis Hall, her parents, what she liked and what she didn't like. And he told her about his life, what he'd done at university, his previous jobs, his plans for the future. She was very comfortable now, resting against his side, the warmth of him next to her.

It felt that they talked for hours, Laura lost track of the time. She was amazed how well they got on, how easy it was. Even despite the differences in age and experience they were on some same, shared level. Occasionally she worried about sounding childish but mainly it was fine. She felt, as she had felt the times before when he talked to her, that they were like co-conspirators. It was the two of them against school, against the world. They laughed at the same things, admired the same things.

It was the little things he noticed about her that amazed her. He remembered the books he had seen her reading, even trivial things she had said. He was genuinely interested in her.