Part 6 (1/2)

”It's necessary,” was all Susie said.

But Mrs Ayers alone knew that Susie had not submitted to her. So while she continued to hate and punish her, she began slightly to fear her.

Margery queried the endless detentions, but Susie just replied ”give her enough rope.”

Laura remained nauseous with misery and anxiety all day. It was miserable weather too, rainy with a bl.u.s.tering autumn wind, and the pitches got so waterlogged that matches were cancelled.

The only thing keeping everyone going was the thought of next weekend's exeat. ”Five more days,” Charlotte counted. They were hanging out in the dorm because Teresa Hubert and her group had already claimed the common room. It simply wasn't big enough for all of them.

A major task on the exeat weekend for many girls was to come back with an outfit for the half term dance. The Lower School formal was held the day before the Upper School event, but was considered no less important to those attending.

There were strict rules for outfits: skirts still below the knee, modest necklines, nothing too tight or clingy. Any girl wearing clothes considered unsuitable was required to change into her gym kit or return to her house. This was tantamount to the same thing, since no one could countenance appearing before the St Duncan's boys in a tracksuit.

For Margery the entire affair was an ordeal as she was shy about her appearance. She also still had the wardrobe of a young girl, no one had realised that she was growing up and might need something more sophisticated. Most of the other girls planned to wear actual c.o.c.ktail dresses, even off-the-shoulder. To get away with this usually required a last-minute hasty rearrangement of taffeta sleeves, once safely through the dress inspection.

Margery didn't want to be the only girl there wearing a knee-length rah-rah skirt and baggy cardigan.

”We'll go shopping on the exeat,” Laura promised her.

Margery doubted her local village shops would have anything. Maybe she could persuade her father to drive them into the town.

Laura was looking forward to staying with Margery, but now she couldn't think past this weekend: spending two entire days with minimal chance of seeing Mr Rydell.

Susie returned back from her scheduled hours of punishment. Fortunately it had been Mr Tyrrell rostered on to monitor the miscreants this weekend, and he barely noticed what anyone did. Which in Susie's case was reading a forbidden novel masked with the dust jacket of a school library book.

”You're not still going through with your plan, are you, Susie?” Margery said. She still couldn't believe that Susie would actually dare to spend an entire weekend hidden in Darius's and Julian's dormitory at St Duncan's. It was an absolutely mad scheme.

”Of course. I could hardly cancel now, they're expecting me.”

Susie and Laura eventually found some time to talk alone in the music building. They were fed up with being cooped up at Michaelmas House, so early on Sat.u.r.day evening they braved the foul weather and made their way there.

The practice rooms were usually occupied at the weekend, but they rightly guessed that even the keenest musicians would be reluctant to go out in the current downpour. All four boarding houses were a long walk away from the music building.

Inside they had their pick of empty rooms. Laura sat on a piano stool, and Susie pushed some sheet music out of the way and perched on the table, swinging her legs.

”Monday then,” Susie said. ”The big showdown with the handsome Mr Rydell.”

Laura felt embarra.s.sed. ”Nothing's going to happen in front of everyone. He'll probably just ignore me and try to pretend it never happened.”

”I don't think he'll leave it at that. It wouldn't be safe, just to a.s.sume you'd drop it as well. Plus there's the fact that he likes you strongly enough to have crossed the line in the first place. It's not like it was just a peck on the lips, it all sounded pretty full on from what you said. I suspect he's wrestling with his conscience.”

”What would you do?” Laura asked. ”I mean if he just says nothing and that's it. Or says it's a bad idea.”

”If I were you? If I really liked him, really and truly and utterly, I wouldn't take no for an answer.”

How did one ”not take no for an answer”? What did it even mean?

”Do you think he's worried about the age gap?”

”Undoubtedly. But I shouldn't let it worry you. Bisnonna was only fourteen when she married my great-grandfather, and he was nearly thirty,” Susie told her. ”And Juliet, and the Virgin Mary.”

All these examples seemed so remote, lost in time and history. Laura couldn't feel a connection to them.

”Dear Diary, I'm so nervous about Monday I feel sick. Susie is the only person I can talk to. I just have to get this over with. I don't even know what I want. I need to think like Susie, not like me.”

12. Making a choice.

Laura could hardly breathe during the next German lesson. She was on edge the entire time, wanting to avoid looking at Mr Rydell but not being able to stop. He had them write out exercises, and spent much of the cla.s.s marking work. He rarely looked up.

The lesson went agonisingly slowly. She didn't know if she was more terrified that he might just try to pretend it never happened, or if he confronted her about it. Would he be angry?

She studied him at his desk. His eyes were fixed on the books he was correcting, his face set and resolute. Look at me, she willed. Please look at me and give me some kind of sign. At least let me know you don't hate me.

Trying to concentrate on her own work was very hard. But she didn't want to mess it up in case it looked like she was deliberately trying to give him cause to detain her. That was Teresa Hubert's pathetic trick. Laura wanted him to approach her on his own terms.

When the bell went everyone else scrambled to leave, since it was break time. She picked up her things more reluctantly.

”Cathy, Laura, could you both stay behind for a moment.”

This was it.

Mr Rydell deliberately didn't even look at her as he gave the order. Her stomach was churning worse than she could remember.

He also looked more devastating to her than he ever had before, serious and commanding. His lips were set in a firm line. He also seemed taller than ever, so much older than her. What was she even thinking that he might be seriously interested in someone like her, just a schoolgirl?

He dealt with Cathy first. She had missed cla.s.ses through illness, and he was setting her the work she needed to do to catch up. It only took a couple of minutes, and then she scuttled away.

Now it was just the two of them. Laura was so nervous she felt nauseous. He began. He spoke looking directly at her and yet even though he met her eyes it felt like he was speaking from behind a screen.

”I would like to apologise to you for what happened the other day. It was completely unacceptable of me. I won't try to make excuses, but I can promise you it will never happen again.”

She said nothing, only looked back at him. At his eyes, the faint shadows she also saw around them. He had lost sleep too.

”This won't make any difference to how I treat you in cla.s.s. It was entirely my fault,” he continued.

It sounded rehea.r.s.ed. He was saying what he knew he had to say, not what he wanted to say. It gave her courage.

What would Susie do?

Don't take no for an answer.

Still without speaking, Laura went up to him. She put her hands on either side of his face, and pulled him down to kiss her. He didn't have time to react, to step back.