3 Just Before You Kill Your Wife (2/2)

For now, I want to tell you about an armed robber I admired so much. He was 63 years old. He walked into a bank and gave the teller a note saying that he was robbing the bank. The teller gave him all the money she had on her station and pressed the red b.u.t.ton. The man walked out of the door and handed the money to the bank's security guard. He waited for the police. They came and arrested him. Upon investigation, it was discovered that earlier the

Rudolf Ogoo Okonkwo

man had given out all his valuables and had returned his apartment key to his landlord, telling him he would not be coming back. When asked why he did what he had done, the robber said he could only get minimum wage jobs and was tired of living hand-to mouth. He said he felt it would be better to spend two years in prison, with free food and free medical care and by the time he is out, he is quali ed to collect social security bene t.

That is the robber after my heart.

Just before you kill your wife, decide on where you will wait for the police. I don't want to hear that you ran into the bush or took o in a car with your kids. You embarra.s.s me by that kind of action. You know they will catch you so why don't you do the honourable thing and act like you are ready for them.

So before you kill your wife, pay o what you owe the Igbo organization of your city, including the one for the Igbo House Project so that if you die in prison they may send your body home, which is necessary for you to reincarnate. Oh, never mind. For a moment, I forgot that those who committed alu, abomination, do not reincarnate.

Just before you kill your wife, return that Nigerian movie you borrowed from me. You don't have to pay o your credit cards, or car payment, but at least, settle the pepper soup woman at our joint. She needs that money to continue to serve our community while you are cooling o in prison.

Just before you kill your wife, remember that it will become o cial that O. J. Simpson is a descendant of the Igbo if another Igbo man kills his wife in America.

Just before you kill your wife, picture your children coming to the gate of that state penitentiary to pick you up after you have served 30 years. Imagine how you will feel

Just Before You Kill Your Wife

when they open the door of that Limo and let you in. And I hope you will smile wildly when they take a sel e with you and say, ”Dad, thank you for killing Mom.”

Just before you kill your wife, remember your father had many good reasons to kill your mother. But he didn't.

Hopefully, you are thankful for that.

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