Part 21 (1/2)

Chapter Eighteen.

When I walked back into the house there was silence. And for a terrifying moment I thought theyd gone out. I needed them to be home; I had things to say and if I didnt do it now . . . But I was wrong; they were home. Out near the pool.

Doing stuff.

Domestic stuff.

On the threshold of the deck, I paused, trying to get my head around the scene before me. There was no sign of Carlos, yet the pool-cleaning gear lay spread out across the deck. Mimi seemed to be scrubbing the edge of the Jacuzzi and Dad was cleaning up the barbeque the same one I couldnt remember being used before. Ever.

'Dad? Whats going on? Where are Suzy and Carlos?

Both parents turned as I spoke, and even though I darted glances from one to the other, Id have had to be blind not to see the parade of emotions that flitted across their faces. Uncertainty? Fear? And yet something that seemed also like what? Hope?

Dad wiped a sweaty arm across his brow, leaving a dirty trail. 'We gave them the day off; we thought that today it might be bet- He shrugged and nodded toward the barbeque, the grin he offered holding more than a tinge of embarra.s.sment. 'Itll be summer soon. We thought we might be able to have a few barbies; shame not to use it, right? Thought we might bake some fish. You like fish, yeah? Its just the red meat youre not keen on?

I managed a nod. But even if Id been able to actually think of any words, would they have made it past the boulder that had suddenly landed in my throat?

'Besides, he added with a wink towards Mimi, 'bout time we started to pull our weight round here. What do you think? What did I think?

What did I think? That aliens had overtaken my parents bodies?

By the Jacuzzi, Mimi stripped off her rubber gloves and pushed back her sunnies. For an awkward moment, we simply all stood and stared at each other, but it was Mimis expression that affected me most; it was actually pretty humbling.

'I . . . Ill go and get some drinks. Juice? Ice water? she offered.

'Water, I croaked as she made her way past me into the kitchen.

My feet felt like they were set in cement. The whole thing seemed surreal. My parents were doing grown-up things? My parents?

When she came back carrying a tray, Dad tossed his cleaning brush into the bucket of soapy water at his feet and came across to meet her. Together they placed the tray on the gla.s.s table under the Bali-style umbrella, seeming to take a lifetime to get it exactly where they wanted it.

Delaying tactics: something, at last, that I could relate to.

It was Mimi who broke the ice. 'Willow . . .

Her voice was soft, uncertain, and with that one word, I felt everything inside me reshuffle and suddenly all the things Id come here to say demanded release. I held up a hand to stop her.

'Wait. I have to say this . . . And I have to get it out before I lose my nerve. The thing is, that I admit Ive been really angry. I think that anger has been building for a long time and I guess Ive been taking it out on y- The words were tumbling out; maybe not even making sense. Mimi padded across and took my hand, leading me over to a double sun-lounge. 'Its okay, sweetheart, she said gently. 'You want to come and sit over here with us?

Blinking back tears that had sprung from nowhere, I nodded and they squeezed me in between them. Dad went to speak but, again, I held up a hand. 'Please? But still the words stalled. 'This is crazy . . . I want to say so much but I dont really know where to start. I sighed and they both stilled, their eyes never leaving mine. Amazingly it helped me to pull myself together. 'Okay, heres the thing . . . A lot of stuff has happened this week weird, crazy stuff. Its made me think, and maybe see things in a new way. Its probably hard for you to understand, but- 'Not as hard as you think, Dad said softly. 'We get it, Willow. Were not proud of our stupidity, but we get it. We let you down. We let ourselves down, and we let our folks down but most of all we let you down. Weve talked non-stop since last night. Sorting stuff out. You know, you may not realise this, but it was you who pulled us out of the drugs. We were young and stupid, but we finally saw the one thing we wanted more than to get off on drugs and that was you . . . But by the time we finally cleaned up, there you were our daughter all grown up . . . You were and are this amazing, smart, together person who- 'Judged you? Punished you? I sighed. 'Im so sorry. I wanted you to love me so badly and then, I guess- 'Its okay. We know . . . You were always afraid wed leave you again and I guess thats exactly what we were going to do, because you didnt seem to need us. You were always so in control. Even of us. I guess you frightened us a bit. Dad lowered his head, seeming to search for the right words. 'And I guess we didnt know who we were to you. Did you need parents? Did you want us to be just your friends? We were lost and we never seemed to get it right. But you have to know, he hurried on, 'that were trying to get it right. And were going to keep trying. We promise.

Fear . . . JoJo was right. It felt like someone was squeezing my heart with their bare hands. My parents were afraid of me and I was afraid they didnt love me; that I wasnt enough . . . OMG. How stuffed up were we?

Yesterday flashed back. Very stuffed up. 'But Simon? I dont get how you could do that.

It was Mimi who shrugged and answered. 'Easy. He needed us. He made us feel that we could contribute; he gave us a role and a purpose. She sighed. 'The thing is, we had no idea how to be parents, but he didnt ask that. He asked for the one thing we could do to give money and he convinced us that we mattered. That even though we couldnt offer you much, we could help others.

'Wow! I couldnt even look at them.

Dad kissed my forehead. 'And, Willow? Last night? You need to know, sweetheart, that we didnt come running because you screamed. We were on our way up to see you to try to make things right with you. We were going to offer Simon a cheque and ask him to leave; tell him we were needed here. Tears filled his eyes, made his voice husky. 'Oh honey, last night scared me so much. I just felt like such a failure even sober I couldnt keep you safe. Id brought that cretin into your life your house! What kind of a father does that?

'Oh Dad! Seeing you and Mum fighting for me? Oh man honestly, it was the most powerful thing. Thats when I knew that you really did love me. But then this morning, I didnt know what to do; to say . . . I paused; shook my head. Because suddenly I knew exactly what to say: 'But I do now. Thank you. Thank you for staying sober and for coming back for me . . . Tears fell, running into my mouth, blurring my vision. 'I love you guys. I love you so much!

Beside me, I heard a gasp.

'Mimi? Mum? Whats wrong?

Her eyes were wide, bright with tears. 'Willow? she said incredulously. 'You called me ”Mum”? Youve never called me ”Mum”.

'Really? I . . . didnt mean to it just slipped out.

'No! That came out wrong. I mean, I just always wished youd called me ”Mum”, you know? I know I havent always earned it, but. . . Her voice cracked on the words and my heart sort of suspended motion for a moment.

'Oh wow. Why didnt I ever know that? 'I didnt know . . . but, well, its nice. I liked calling you ”Mum”.

So, for the first time in our lives as parents and child we talked. Really, really talked. Yes, call me slow, but it was easy to see now that Id always blamed them; that the distance between us wasnt all their fault. Id pushed them away; held them at arms length. Id never really acknowledged the turn-around theyd both achieved until now. Never cheered them on for staying clean.

But the point was, Id done it now. I was finally getting it. Actually, I was finally getting a lot of things. I couldnt even be mad with Mum when she admitted that shed been sacking the housekeepers because she was jealous. Jealous of the relations.h.i.+ps Id built with them; relations.h.i.+ps shed craved but didnt know how to ask for . . . Wow. She wasnt proud, but in a weird way it made me feel kinda good. Yeah well, I guess you dont go through all this without ending up a bit loopy.

And hey, Id been hanging out with a dead person and it doesnt get much loopier!

I also knew this wasnt some happy-ever-after movie; I got that too. It wasnt like someone had just sprinkled fairy dust and we were suddenly perfect. I was a realist; there were going to be rocky times ahead that was life. But this time, even the bad times would be different. Because this time, I knew my parents really, truly loved me. Both of them.