Part 22 (2/2)

”He's from Colorado and he was here visiting friends and he and I have stayed in touch by phone and e-mail and I'm in love with him.” She smiled then and gave a happy little shrug of her shoulders.

I don't know what she made of my silence. I was measuring my response, afraid of driving her away with anything I might say. I moved next to her on the love seat and took her hands in mine. Hers were ice-cold.

”I'm so sorry,” I said. ”This must be very difficult for you.” It was the best I could do. I would make myself support her, no matter what option she chose. I can understand a woman having an abortion early in her pregnancy-in some circ.u.mstances. So, I would let this be Shannon's decision, let her be the grownup. She looked surprised by my reaction.

”Thank you,” she said.

”Did you just find out?” I asked. ”Do you know how far along you are?”

”Eighteen-almost nineteen-weeks.”

”Oh my G.o.d,” I said, realizing that an early, first-trimester abortion was not even an option. ”You're...are you trying to decide...” I was stammering, and she stepped in.

”I'm going to have the baby,” she said.

”But what will you do?” I asked. ”What about school? What about...you're only seventeen!” I was losing it. I felt the control of my head and my heart and my tongue slipping away from me.

She shook her head and her voice was much calmer than mine. ”I'm not going to go to school this fall,” she said. ”Someday I will, but not right now.” She offered me an apologetic smile. ”Mom, I'm so in love with him. His name is Tanner. He's an awesome person. He goes to the University of Colorado in Boulder. And...Mom, don't be mad,” she pleaded, ”but I've decided to move there and start a life with him and our baby.”

I let go of her hands and stood up, simply unable to sit there another second. I ran my fingers through my hair. ”All of this has taken me by surprise, Shannon,” I said. ”And I'm going to need some time to absorb it, but the one thing I know right now is that you can't move away.”

”Tanner and I have talked about this for hours and hours,” she said. ”We want to do this right. We want to-”

”You cannot cannot go to Colorado with a baby and a total stranger,” I said. ”I don't know if you've thought through what it's going to be like for you to be a mother at seventeen.” go to Colorado with a baby and a total stranger,” I said. ”I don't know if you've thought through what it's going to be like for you to be a mother at seventeen.”

”I'll be eighteen when the baby's born.”

”You're still more of a child than a woman,” I said, ”and the fact that you got pregnant to begin with is proof of that.”

”Mother,” she said. ”Don't start.”

”I know you've been having s.e.x,” I continued. ”And I knew you were on birth control. I've seen your pills around-you've made no secret of it. I haven't said anything to you about it and I've tried to be really...” I frowned at her in bewilderment. ”How did you let this happen?” I asked. ”Did you do it on purpose? Did you feel like you weren't ready for school? What is going on on with you, Shannon? I feel as though I don't know you anymore.” with you, Shannon? I feel as though I don't know you anymore.”

She stood up, toe to toe with me but two inches taller. ”I am a woman who is going to have the baby of the man she's deeply in love with,” she said. ”That's who I am, Mother.” There were tears in her eyes. ”And there's really nothing you can do about it. I just thought I should let you know. And now I'm going back to Dad's.”

She turned on her heel and walked out of the room, and I didn't know what to say to stop her. I heard the door slam behind her and I sank numbly to the love seat. I couldn't have said how long I sat there before I finally lifted the phone and dialed Lucy's number.

”Hey, sis,” Lucy greeted me.

”Shannon's pregnant,” I said.

There was silence on her end of the phone that went on for too long.

”You knew? knew?” I asked.

”Yes,” she said.

”Lucy, d.a.m.n it! Why didn't you tell tell me?” me?”

”I haven't known long,” she said. ”And I was going to tell you but wanted to give her a chance to talk to you herself first.”

”Oh, my G.o.d,” I said. ”I just can't believe this. I can't believe my cla.s.s president, straight-A, musically gifted daughter is pregnant by some guy in Colorado I've never even heard of. This is just insane.”

”I know,” Lucy said, and it scared me that she agreed, because there was very little that Lucy considered insane. ”You know, the only thing that I find completely unbearable is his age,” she added.

”Which is...?” I'd figured he was a little older than Shannon, since he was already in college.

Again the silence from my sister.

”Lucy.”

”He's twenty-seven,” she said. ”I a.s.sumed she'd told you.”

”Oh, my G.o.d,” I said again. ”Oh, Lucy. It's statutory rape.”

”No.” Lucy sounded so d.a.m.ned calm. ”She would have to be under sixteen for that.” I heard her sigh. ”I just don't know what to say, Julie. I don't get this any more than you do, and I'm upset, too. The thing is, it's happened, and she plans to have this baby. We need to check this guy out, of course, but I think that this is just going to happen and we have to do whatever we can do to be there for her.”

”How can we be there if she's in Colorado?” I asked.

”I hope she'll reconsider that,” Lucy said.

I thought of all the colleges we'd visited. The nerve-racking auditions. The waiting for acceptances. Her excitement at getting into Oberlin. ”All her plans...” I said, my voice trailing off. There was not much to say about those plans. They had little meaning now.

”I know,” Lucy said. She hesitated, then finally spoke again. ”On another cheery topic,” she began. ”Did you tell Mom about Ned's letter?”

”Yes,” I said. My voice had gone flat. I felt weary to my bones.

”Oh, Lord,” Lucy said. ”What did she say?”

”She got really quiet. She went into the house and lay down. I was worried about her and I checked on her before I left, but she said she just wanted to sleep.” I looked at my watch. ”I was going to call her in a few minutes, but I'm a little too shaken up to do it right now.”

”I'll call her,” Lucy volunteered.

”Thank you,” I said. ”Shannon could still have a safe abortion at eighteen weeks, couldn't she?”

”Wow, I can't believe I'm hearing you say that,” Lucy said. ”Everything changes when it's your own kid, doesn't it?”

”Don't lecture me, all right? Could she?”

”Yes,” she said. ”But that's not what she wants.”

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