29 Hitchhiker (1/2)
”Never fight unless you'd rather die than lose.”
- Deadman
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1 Year Later
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I sneeze inside my space helmet.Dang.That's like the fifteenth time.Getting pretty hard to see.Fuck it, I take it off.If the airlock fails, and I'm exposed to hard vacuum, at least it will clean out my sinuses before I die.
The airlock cycle finishes without incident, and the interior door clangs open.A chipper space cadet pops in to welcome me to the settlement ship Hephaestus.
”Greetings Commander!And welcome to the settlement ship…HOLY SMOKES!!Are you dying?You can't come in here if you're sick!You'll kill us all!”
”At ease, Cadet Candyass.”I bat him out of the way, and float into the ship.”We're going to land this ship before that's an issue.”
Cadet Candyass knows I'm lying, but doesn't have the discipline to blast us both into space to save the rest of the ship.It's not his fault, it's a training issue.I bet the rest of the crew is equally unprepared.Normally that would piss me off, but I'm here to steal this ship, so I'll allow it.
My name is Commander Adam Grayson, but most people call me God Damn Space Prick.I'm gonna save the goddamn human race.These particular humans may not make it.
There is no gravity on the ship right now.That's why my virus is such a problem.For some reason, the human immune system shuts off in zero gravity.A case of the sniffles can wipe out an entire ship.
Settlement ships should have some kind of quarantine protocol for unexpected visitors.The fact that I'm the first ever such visitor in the history of space travel is no excuse.Space is fucking dangerous, it's no place for the honor system.
As I blow through some occupied compartments, I see a few crew members realize this.I give one of them a thumbs up as he shouts to seal the bridge.Good thinking that man.I'm not going to the bridge, but still, sealing it off during a outbreak pirate attack is a sensible idea.
I kick off the sealed bridge doors and spiral into the settlers barracks.Most of the 6000 people on the ship are settlers, and this is pretty much the only compartment they're allowed in.This is the room they should have sealed.They'll know for next time.
”Wake up!” I yell.”It's your lucky day!We've found a better planet!Fuck Mars!We're on our way to Damocles!”
The settlers pop out of their bunks like they're on fire.They're screaming like I'm Oprah.This is my first attempt at space piracy, but I feel it's going really well.I may actually live through this.Weird.
I'm not surprised that the settlers are happy.Damocles is much nicer planet.It's way closer to Earth, with an atmosphere and an ecosystem.Mars is a distant, rocky, airless, hell hole.We were sent there because we're valueless.An experiment in adversity.Our fiscal betters funded our mission.If any of us were to survive, it would give them valuable information for their much easier settlement of Damocles.Well, fuck them.My space piracy is not limited to stealing settlement ships.I'm gonna fucking steal Damocles.
”Could I get some drugs over here?” I yell over the din.”Is there a doctor in the house?”
A woman floats over.She stops herself by grabbing my ass.She gives it a friendly pat, then puts on her professional face.”I hear you need a doctor.Or, drugs at least.Actually, you look like you need drugs.You're very goopy.Should I be concerned?”