173 Fear (1/2)
I wasn't sure why I had chosen to slid the door open at that time, interrupting their conversation. Maybe it was because I had heard enough, had gathered enough information that the rest could be skipped over. Or, it was simply that I was still afraid to hear the what she truly thought of me. But, if it was anything involving that, then I believe I just wanted to be the first person to hear it.
With my right hand up against the door frame where the sliding door had entered through the small crevice, I stood there motionlessly. My head was depressed with my eyes gazing at the wood flooring within her hospital room that departed from the tile flooring of the hallway, and I simply stood still. There was a prolonged period of silence as the three of us simply froze in place as if in a stalemate and waited for the others to make the first move to break the silence. Since I was the one who had initiated it all, it was up to me to break the spell, so after taking a deep breath to prepare myself, I took a step into the room and stepped to the side away from the doorway.
”Loyd,” I said softly to the boy who had stood up when I had slid open the door out of surprise. ”Would you mind letting me talk with Luna alone?”
”...” It took him a second to recover entirely, and it also took him an additional split second when he peered over at Luna and then over at me. Then, with an awkward smile on his face, he grabbed the strap of his school bag and picked up his winter coat. ”I think I'll head home now.”
He then started making his way over to the doorway with slow, steady steps and without looking over at Luna. It must've been extremely difficult and awkward for him at the moment due to the gloomy atmosphere that Luna and I had created, but...there's just certain things that cannot be avoided.
Before he exited the room, he paused before me. With a frown on his face, he looked over at me, eyes as if peering into the back of my eyes in search of the phantom of the Alevian that he knew. Yet, that person will never be able to return to this world. No matter how similar I am to my past self, that lost innocence, that pure character, no amount of ablution could ever cleanse away the darkness that had tainted my garden. The dark sea of flowers within me, so dark as if it was coated with a tar and so filthy and disgusting, that it might be near impossible to revert back to that normal flower. How would these handful floras with ordinary colors beat out the dark abyss within me?
Loyd then sighed. ”See you tomorrow.”
He then started walking once again with a sad countenance, and when he exited the room, he slid the door close on his way, leaving Luna and me alone in silence. I cannot speak for her, but my reason for the silence was simply...that I wasn't prepared. Therefore, this silence that I engaged in was simply a mental buildup, one that I desperately needed for this newly acquired information to soak into my mind and for me to prepare for this confrontation.
I looked over at her, feeling a sense of great depression and loneliness in my heart. For the first time in a while, I felt a weird feeling from the spot near my eyes. In addition, there was a swelling feeling in my throat. It was a familiar and yet foreign feeling. It was as if I was being pushed onto the edge with some sort of stimulus that's threating to push me over at any second. It was just...weird. My eyes feel weird, and my heart, even though it felt empty, it felt as if it was filled at the same time, almost as if the emptiness was a bubble and had expanded to fill my heart itself.
Slowly and without saying anything, I mobilized over to the chair that Loyd had sat in earlier. I looked down at the seat, sat down, and removed my coat, allowing it to hang on the backrest of the seat. Then, I looked over at Luna with a grim expression on my face. She had kept her head low and facing her laps as she remained seated on her hospital bed. Her hair draped down and concealed her face from view, making it impossible for me to read her countenance. I could tell that she was trying to avoid eye contact, trying to avoid a direct confrontation for as long as possible.
I can understand her feeling as it was partially shared by me. If it was possible for all of this to be forgotten, all of this reverted and allow time to flow back to before where we didn't know about anything, how awesome would that be? But, time cannot be reverted, and things have to go on. No matter how long the night is, the sun will always rise; no matter how cold the winter is, the flowers will eventually come into bloom once again; no matter how miserable our current condition will be, it won't last forever. Her death is destined in the near future, written into the future that will ultimately become the present and then the past. It will all come and go eventually, so for the time being, cherish it. That's what I keep telling myself. If it's so miserable, then suffer it. Suffer it and burn it into your soul, Alevian. For this is mine, for this is the memories of Luna and I.
”Why?” Luna finally whispered, breaking the spell of silence.
Her body was trembling, or was it shivering? I do not know which one it was nor what was the difference between the two. However, all that I know was that she was shaking in the physical realm and in the vocal realm as her voice seemed to tremble as she spoke while mixed with hints of sobbing that seemed to stab at my heart and pull at my heartstrings.
Her appearance, so beautiful and yet so frail, shined in my eyes. Her silent melancholy painted her with a different sense of beauty, creating the painting on a canvas of a lone frostblume in the cold, winter night that shined as the lunar light shined and reflected off of the ice. This winter flower, so fragile and so beautiful, made me afraid to get too close. Yet, I must bring myself closer as this flower of ice will fade, melt when spring comes along...