23 Chapter 22: Ishib i ? (1/2)
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
”Oh no, put that bottle back.” Yoongi was clear enough for Jungkook to do as he was told, his insides still burning with the need to drink some hard liquor. He knew his hyung had a lot of those but he wasn't going to insist because he felt exhausted and a fight with his best friends was the last thing he needed. ”You look like shit.”
Jungkook rubbed his face with both hands and followed the mint-haired artist with his eyes as he searched for a wine bottle in the bar and asked for Hoseok to bring three tall glasses he later filled with dark red liquid. He wasn't cruel – he knew the youngster needed something that could later lull him to sleep but he didn't want him to pass out because they had things to talk about. He wasn't sure if Jungkook understood what he's just been through and he felt like it was his mission to enlighten him and help him figure out what he wanted to do next. They tasted the drink before Yoongi placed his glass aside and leaned forward while intertwining his fingers on top of his knees.
”Are you going back to the hospital tomorrow?”
The silence that followed meant hesitation but Jungkook's expression was one of a tormented man. He desperately wanted to go back, he wanted things to go back to how they were before, he wanted to hold Jimin in his arms and to whisper to him that everything was going to be alright but he was rational enough to understand that might not be what the best for him was. Truth to be told, he had no idea what the best meant anymore.
”You saved his life.”
”But maybe that's not what he wanted. He told me it's been an accident but –” Going back to Jimin meant he could face this type of situation again and the thought of his lover dying in his arms was going to haunt him for the rest of his life. ”I can't help him, Yoongi. I've done my best and it's not enough.”
”You're looking at things the wrong way, kid.” Hoseok was quiet next to his boyfriend, knowing it might not be his place to intervene but his fingers were dug into the warm orange pullover he was wearing. ”Jimin doesn't need you to save him, he needs to save himself.” Jungkook's doe eyes widened at the words but his lips didn't part, not wanting to interrupt his hyung. ”You're not his saviour, you're his boyfriend so all you have to do is to love him when he doesn't.”
”Sometimes it feels like he doesn't want to let me do that.” Otherwise he wouldn't have been hiding all those things from him.
”He's obviously in a bad place, Jungkook.” Hoseok added quietly. ”I've seen his arms for the first time and I can't get the picture out of my head.”
”A failed suicide attempt is a life-changing experience, Gguk. Jimin's probably more scared than you are.” The brown-haired man snorted; it was easy for them to say that because they haven't been there when he was tearing a door down so he could get access to his unconscious boyfriend. ”I've been where he is now and that shit's tough.”
Jungkook has never heard the story of how Yoongi attempted suicide during his late teenage years so he couldn't believe his ears when the elder explained to him how it happened. He has been lucky enough to take an excessive amount of pills and that caused for him to throw everything up until the ambulance that has been called by his mother arrived. He could remember the horrible aftermath, how guilty he was feeling, how he imagined everyone would give up on him. Most of them did but the people who mattered stayed and tried to support him through thick and thin. That attempt changed the perspective he had over life and over the things that mattered and it was the reason why he fought so hard for his happiness in the present.
Yoongi was alright – he was alive and breathing, he was productive and even gave up on hardcore BDSM which has been his coping mechanism for many years because he found serenity in Hoseok. If he has managed to pull through all of that, it meant Jimin could too.
”So what should I do?” The question hasn't been addressed to any of them. He was scared and tears were threatening to spill once again so he wiped them away before they could fall, feeling like the runaway child he was when Yoongi first found him. ”I want him to be happy, hyungs.”
”Then don't give up on him.” Hobi whispered and rubbed his upper back affectionately. ”Think of what Minnie means to you, ask yourself if he's worth the fight.”
Of course he was. Jimin was his sweet baby boy but the image of the prettiest eye smile has been replaced by his motionless body resting in a puddle of blood and he couldn't recover from that. He couldn't get over the fact that their stupid – God, it has been so stupid – fight resulted in something so horrendously wrong. He has been stupid for not making a better effort to see him more frequently, for not reading in between the lines and for not understanding how distant he's been acting. Jimin has been just as bad, keeping things for himself and allowing his ex-Dom to get near him. These problems weren't worth a suicide attempt but the pink-haired boy has reached his breaking point and Jungkook contributed to the whole ordeal.
”I love him.” He confessed quietly and downed the glass of wine he's been holding.
He was going to let himself cry until he was going to feel better and then take a shower and try to rest. He blacked out as soon as his head rested against the pillow and woke up when his alarm announced it was 7 AM. He left before the other two woke up and grabbed a coffee on the way to the nearest flower shop from where he picked the liveliest bouquet he managed to put together. He hoped Jimin was going to like the pinkness of it because the flowers were meant to be the entry act of his proposal.
He's been told that the patient just woke up but he didn't hesitate to enter the salon, not missing the way the student's brown eyes widened at the sight of him. Little hands were wrapped around a mug that was filled with something that Jungkook suspected that was tea and there was a plate with barely-touched crackers resting on the nightstand. The boy looked exhausted but a lot better than a day before, which was no wonder at all.
”Good morning.” He tried and Jimin nodded before casting his eyes downwards, looking at the cup like it was the most interesting thing in the universe. He accepted the flowers with a polite but distant ”Thank you” and Jungkook noticed Milo was resting next to him under the covers. ”I see you have company.”
”I hate hospitals.” The boy whispered sadly and placed the cup next to the crackers. ”Why are you here?”
”Do you want me to leave?”
”No.” Jimin replied before he could stop himself. An uncomfortable silence fell in between them and the outside world seemed to take the first place for a few minutes. They could hear the hospital staff roaming around and birds were singing outside, announcing that the spring day they were dreaming of was near. ”I love you, I never want you to leave.” The pink-haired boy smiled sadly and rose his head so their stares could lock.
The elder moved one of the wooden chairs closer to the bed and sat on it, his right hand searching for a smaller one instinctively.
”Did you come here to break up with me?” Jimin's words were barely audible and Jungkook shook his head as their fingers intertwined gingerely. His thumb began brushing the soft skin of the back of the other's hand as he tried his best to gather his thoughts.
”I wanted to see how you're feeling.” Antidepressants were making him feel nauseous and drowsy so he didn't hesitate to share that along with everything the doctor told him – like the fact that his body needed to get used to the medication before any change could take place or that it would be better for him if he would interrupt his year of study. His life was taking a dramatic turn and he wasn't fully aware of how he was supposed to react, all he knew was that he wanted to go home. He wished he could go back home to Jungkook but that was an unlikely possibility.
”Taetae said he'll bring me hot chocolate.” He smiled faintly and looked at his phone to see what time it was. ”I think he'll be here in an hour or so. I didn't expect visitors this early.”
”Move in with me.” The request fell flat inside the room and even it if came out nothing like Jungkook hope it would, his heartbeat couldn't slow down because of the hope he was feeling. He wished Jimin wouldn't be overwhelmed by the proposal, he wished he still wanted him.
”What?”
”Move in with me.” He wanted to have his baby by his side at all times so he could always remind him that he was loved and that they could reach the end of this struggle. If Jimin was going to take a break from his studies he was going to spend more time at home than anywhere else and he didn't want him to be alone. The boy was already getting teary-eyed. ”Let's start all over again.”
”Kookie...” He didn't want the artist to be hurt again, not by him.
”But you have to promise me that you'll never touch a razor blade ever again. No more self-harming. It's either us or cutting.”
”I'll –” Jimin gulped. ”I'll try my best.” He didn't trust himself to be so self-controlled yet but he hoped he could get there one day because Jungkook was offering him a second chance. No one in his right mind would have wanted to have anything to do with him anymore but his boyfriend was willing to see past the sufferance he has caused. He tried to stop crying when he understood it wouldn't get him anywhere but he was too emotional to stop the tears that kept falling down his cheeks. ”I'm sorry.”
”I know you are, angel.”
”Are you still upset that I accepted to meet Daeshim?” Jungkook frowned at the memory.
”I would lie if I would say I'm not but I'm also at fault for not communicating. I didn't properly explain to you what kind of things we're going through at the parlour and you have no idea about the hole in my budget.” Maybe he has tried too hard to make things work on his own while not giving a clue about what hardships he was truly facing. Jimin was his boyfriend but he was also a little and he thought these kind of financial problems shouldn't concern him.Maybe he was ashamed that he couldn't afford the expensive dates they were used to – for a while, at least. ”I've been struggling with money so... yeah.”
”That is why you cancelled on so many things?” Jungkook raised his shoulders hopelessly. ”It doesn't have to always be your treat, Kookie. I don't care about fancy dinners and gifts... I just wanted to spend time with you.”