Chapter 199 - Joy and Pain (2/2)
Jos glanced back to the bed where Shelly slept. She shook her head as she brought her troubled gaze back to his turbulent eyes.”This is a bad idea; you at least acknowledge that much right?”
He chuckled as he led her out of the room and down the hall. ”Exactly how is it such a bad idea, Kitten?”
She frowned as he led her by the hand to the coffee table. She watched as he retrieved the remote from the table and turned it to an all-music channel. Soft piano music began to fill the room as he turned toward her and pulled her against him. ”It's a bad idea because I know what you're trying to do.”
”And what is it that I'm trying to do, Kitten?” He asked wrapping one arm tighter around her waist and bringing their other entwined hand to rest against his chest.
She could hear the smile in his voice as his hot breath tickled her shoulder. ”Do I really have to say the words? Do you think it's not obvious?” His chuckle rumbled against her head resting on his chest sending a shiver down her body. ”I'm not even sure why you're trying so hard at this point. The papers are signed, Russ and I will be ordered apart for good tomorrow, and I'll most likely be imprisoned with you as my guard for the next couple hundred years at least. You win... I'm pretty much yours.” She could feel the irritated, frustrated tears build at the back of her eyes.
Arei stopped their movements and released his hold on her back. He lifted her face up to meet his. ”Jos, I haven't won anything. I don't want you to feel forced to be with me. I want you to want to be with me. As I said, if you're dead set on getting all your memories back and repeating actions or jesters trigger them, then I at least want to make sure you're getting some of the more pleasant ones back as well.” His frown deepened. ”What else is it you think I'm doing here?”
Jos let out a sigh as she pulled away from him and walked over and sat down on the sofa. She watched as he set down on the edge of the table across from her allowing them to face each other. She studied him for a few minutes before she replied. ”I think you are hoping by staging all these romantic encounters and triggering similar memories that it will prevent or outweigh negative ones... that by doing so, I'll fall back into love with you and be just as crazy for you as I was back then... But I hate to tell you...” She shook her head and held her eyes closed as she forced herself to finish her statement. ”Arei, even if I get only the good memories back... no matter what goes on with these trials, I'll never be the same person... I'll never feel the same. Regardless of the cause of it, I lost something I can never get back to you those years ago. Even if I go back to you now, what has been lost will never return... it can't...”
He cupped his hands over hers, focusing his attention on their hands. He nodded his head. ”I know that already. I understand that you are no longer that same sweet, naïve girl. I understand that you will not be able to love me as freely and blindly as you did back then.” He lifted his gaze to hers. ”I know I alone no longer hold your entire heart, that I will always have to share it from here on out.” He brought his hands to either side of her face as he held her gaze steady. ”I know the pain I caused you will always be trapped in both your mind and heart, and whether you consciously want to or not a part of both will always hold resentment toward me for that pain.” He studied her eyes as he gave his words time to sink in. ”Honestly, I'm fine with that. I'll never be able to forgive myself for those events or the more recent ones either. Let me assure you, trying to do something that would cause you more pain is not part of my current plan.”
Tears fell freely from Jos's eyes. She shook her head against his grip. ”This can't be real, right? Men aren't really like this... they don't think the way you are trying to convince me you feel...”
His brows pushed together as he shook his own head.”No, Kitten, this is how most real men feel. Not all men are vile trashlike the humans you- encountered or act out in temper tantrums like the wolf pup. I would never treat you like that. I never want you to feel like you owe anything or to think I expect anything from you you're not willing to freely give. If it never becomes more than what we have now, then so be it. But know, I'll still be by your side in whatever capacity you allow.”
Jos leaned forward wrapping her arms around his neck and burying her face against the dip of his collar. ”I want to believe you so badly... I want to trust you right now... but... I'm so afraid to...”
He pulled her away from him far enough that their eyes could meet. ”Look at me, Kitten. You have all the time in the world for that. There is no rush on it. I know I've lost your trust, and I can't blame you. All I ask is that you don't make any rash decisions one way or the other until you are fully ready. Don't go running back to the pup because you're too afraid to open your heart to me again, and don't force yourself to feel and do things with me because you feel like you have no other choice.” He pressed her back against his chest. ”I will continue as I have in public where our actions could be reported back to the council, but if my affections are too much for you, I'll pull back in the privacy of this room.”
Jos wrapped her arms around his thick torso as she pressed closer to him. ”I want to stay as we are. I don't want to rush forward; I don't want to leap backward... I just want to be...”
He nodded as he placed a kiss on the top of her head.”That is perfectly fine with me, Kitten. I am enjoying getting to know the person you've grown into, and the idea of letting whatever happens between us happen more naturally sounds amazing. I wish it could be done without the painful memories you're sure to recall sooner or later... but either way... I look forward to more of this.” He tightened his arms around her to emphasize his point.
They stayed like that for a long time, before Jos finally broke the silence by asking. ”Arei... exactly what is it you don't want me remembering?”
He let out a long sigh. ”There were so many things that happened at the palace, some painful because of how much love and joy was there, some painful because of the betrayals, some painful because of poor choices or bad timing.” He cupped her cheek. ”I hurt you a few times by refusing to sleep with you. You have to know; I was only thinking of you and what was best. I'd hoped to be able to work you up to it or find some way where it wouldn't have been such a traumatic event.”
Jos's cheeks reddened as his words not only caused lost memories to rush forward but ones that she well remembered to flood her mind as well. The image of the many metal piercings running up his hard length and the bar that ran through the head of his c.o.c.k would forever be engraved in her brain along with the blinding pain of the first time she'd tried to force him inside her body. She turned her gaze away as she released her hands from his body. She pushed to her feet and walked over to the tiny kitchen and retrieved a bottle of water from the fridge.
Arei followed her, watching as she took several long drinks from the bottle before pressing it against her chest. A smile curved one corner of his lips. He knew well what she had been thinking of. He walked up behind her and pulled her tightly against his body. ”I can guess what memories invoked this reaction, and just as before it is one of the reasons I hold back as I do. They are still there and even with your... practice... it would still be a task to become reacclimated. I'm not trying to force it on you, just like I never did before. I can only hope now that you are older and more experienced, you understand I held back then for your own wellbeing.”
Jos could only nod as her attention became astutely focused on the topic of conversation pressed against her lower back. He was mostly soft, holding true to his words that he was not trying to force their relationship forward as Russ had. She placed the bottle on the counter before turning in Arei's arms. ”I... I believe what you are saying.” She placed a hand against his chest. ”I am older now; I am more experienced with relationsh.i.p.s and life in general... don't worry about my reaction to things now that happened back then. I just want the memories back.” Her eyes held his. ”I feel like a huge part of me is missing... a part that I hadn't even realized was missing until you came back into my life...” She shrugged, ”I don't know if they will affect the way I feel or not... I just know they are important to me and I want them back.”
Arei nodded. ”That's understandable and I'm here to help in any way you need.” He was about to place a kiss on her lips when he thought better of it and kissed her forehead instead. ”Go get some sleep, Love. I'll see you in the morning.”