Chapter 174 - Why Were You Afraid? (1/2)

||Innaya||

”Breathe.” Eshan's voice had me open my eyes.

Just when I was thinking about everything was over, Eshan returned to his original caring self. I noticed his movement had long ago stopped, and now I found myself in his arms. My heart settled once I realized Eshan wasn't going to do anything. I could finally breathe freely.

I had lost my defenses when I thought things were going to spiral out of the control. That one moment of anxiety was enough for my fears to raise their ugly head. They made their presence known by bringing numerous worries, self-conflict, and doubts to my heart.

But, in the last moment, everything came to stand still as if it never happened. My husband was apologizing.

Could I blame him? No. It was normal for men to expect certain things from their better halves. Everyone had their needs. Since I married him, never he tried to force me into consummating our marriage. Never did his approach made me feel he wanted that intimacy from me.

However, how could I not know? I wasn't a child to not know what transpires between couples. I might not know the graphic details, but I knew enough. I wondered how he held back himself for so long. I would admit to being afraid. I confessed the same when he said sorry.

I myself did not know what I was afraid of. But, in that one moment when I felt towel slipping away, I panicked. When I told him last week that he could see me without my clothes because he had that right, I didn't realize that I wasn't ready.

But, now as I stood leaning against him, where his heartbeat erratically, and my mind was calming down. I could think clearly. The hesitancy in his body language was also pretty apparent as he repeatedly pushed me away, making an excuse for asking me to get ready.

He was holding himself back.

I could feel it.

Was he angry?

It seemed like, my withdrawal resulted in him being angry. It was understandable. Last time also I had pushed him away, biting on his lip. This time, my body went in almost lockdown dampening his desires.

Could I help it? No. I wasn't doing it deliberately.

It was my involuntary reaction. How do I put it in words? I did not have any idea.

When he repeatedly chased me away, I could not help but feel sorrowful.

”You're angry, right? That's why you want to chase me away,” I said tearfully. My eyes were already wet with tears. I had no idea why were my emotions so fluctuating.

It was not that Eshan was any stranger. He was my husband- the man whom I loved after knowing him. It was not- love at first sight. I fell for him after spending time with him. I fell for him after knowing him personally, emotionally and intimately. Our intimacy wasn't limited to the physical one. Then, why was this last-minute barrier on my mind? I failed to understand.

Eshan's constant rushing was also caused me to feel wronged.

He was misunderstanding me again. Was my action reminded him again of those words I had spoken to him in that farmhouse?

Tears gushed out of my eyes. I was angry at myself.

My past was not letting me live my present. Being on constant guard was only harming me. I had hurt him then, I was hurting him now as well. Why my insecurities were driving me crazy, to act and speak this way?

I bit my lip, trying to suppress my sobs.