Chapter 19 - A letter to grandpa (1/2)

|Innaya|

Dear Grandpa,

I miss you. I am not able to share this with anyone. You know how Mom and Granny are. They will unnecessarily worry and it will hurt them to know that I am still stuck in my past. I can't share this with Siya either. She is my best friend but she has no idea how twisted my life has been.

lI feel everyone will run away or turn out like those monsters of my past if they get any idea about my past. I have had enough of people judging me, sympathising with me, pitying me as if they had that right. I do not want any of that. I don't want to get reminded of that black time of my life, yet somehow, even the smallest thing like injection, street dog, has me transport back in that time and I find myself trapped in those haunting memories.

You know my past, my PTSD, is going to create problems in my married life. That was the major reason I did not want to get married to anyone. You were aware, weren't you? Then why Grandpa, why you chose him? I feel like I am spoiling his life. I had two episodes in this month. On the second day of marriage, I had the first and now today too.

Nightmares were not the new thing for me, as I had them occasionally and more frequently after you left, but these flashbacks, these episodes weren't there, after the treatment I had undergone. However, they are coming back now and it frightens me, Grandpa, I do not know how to handle them. I don't know how to deal with it. I do not know how to deal with it, without you beside me, without you telling me it will be over.

Grandpa, I am afraid, I don't want to hurt him. However, I feel like I have done the same even though it's unknowingly and unintentionally. Until now, he has been nothing but the understanding and caring husband anyone could ever get. Everyone has his or her limits. How long, he will tolerate me keeping secrets from him? Hell, I could not tolerate it, then how can I expect from him? He is giving me space, he is being the silent support, and unknowingly he is helping me when I suffer those dreadful moments.

I want to tell him everything, yet my heart always stops me. If you have chosen him for me, then he must be special. I know, you would never allow anyone to hurt me after what had happened. Somehow, I had found a friend in him. A friend, who understands me without telling him anything about myself.

I know what I am writing is not making any sense. I am complaining about him as well as complimenting him. Nothing is making sense to me too. I want to stay far away from him and at the same time, I just want him to hold me closer. I want to run away from him, at the same time I want to run into his embrace that reminds me that I am safe. It's all confusing, I feel I am getting lost in the maze, where there is no way out. I need you.

I do not know how much Granny has told Eshan, about my past. I do not know if she has said anything or not. I want to talk to him about it. His fallen face when I withdraw myself, his concerned eyes when I am locked in my episodes, worries me very much. It pains me, whenever I find him blaming himself for something that is not his fault. Even slightest discomfort to me because of him and he gets all worked up, avoiding me. Well, I do that too, but I do not like to see him that way. What shall I do Grandpa? What is happening to me?

It breaks my soul even to think of my past,

It shakes my existence, leaving me aghast.

I wish time could erase invisible scars on my heart,

Which has become my integral part?

I did not believe in love.

I still do not, I feel,

However, the way he looks at me,