Chapter 19 - Chasing A Happy Ending (1/2)
[Under the clear blue sky, trees were swaying lazily with the warm breeze. The sun looked to be celebrating something with its beautiful blazing yellow, free and bright spirit.
Through the french doors, a pair of black eyes kept observing the lazy waves of the ocean. The wave after wave coming to caress the shore in a loving manner. But even that beautiful sight of the tranquil and serene beach evoked no emotions within those impassable eyes.
”Ms. Chen, shall we begin?” The elegant yet professional voice broke Xiu's reverie as she turned to face the lady before her who sat with her legs crossed over one another in a straight posture.
Xiu leaned back on the comfortable couch as she said emotionlessly, ”I can't do this anymore, Dr. Xi.” She took a deep breath and closed her eyes saying, ”I feel so numb.”
Dr. Xi picked up her notepad and pen. ”Ms. Chen, let's talk through this. How did your day start?” Her polite and professional voice was soothing but Xiu knew it won't last for long.
”It started with my non-existent will to carry this burden of my body. It felt pointless.” Xiu replied heavily.
”And why do you think it's pointless?” Dr. Xi asked again.
”Isn't it pointless?” Xiu asked her in return. ”It's not like anybody is gonna appreciate my effort.” Her hopeless voice made Dr. Xi purse her lips.
”Ms. Chen, I asked you to stop looking through social sites. Are you following that?”
”I don't see how this can help me get better,” Xiu replied blandly.
”If you'll stay away from the negativity only then can you get rid of the negativity that's embedding its seeds in your mind.” Dr. Xi's words were reasonable but Xiu didn't feel like it as she sniggered in self-mockery.
”You think that can help me?” Xiu's eyes held scorn in them as she added, ”Do you know how I spent my night?” Dr. Xi stayed silent letting Xiu speak her mind. ”I received a parcel with a dead cat. Each of its limbs was cut brutally. I was all alone in my apartment. I screamed, cried, yelled... But do you know what happened?” She was scratching the back of her hand with her nails so harshly that it started bleeding. ”No one came to help. Not a single person. I spent my night curled up in a corner all alone.”
Dr. Xi saw the tears brimming in her eyes but her resolve to hold them in was also visible. The girl before her was broken. From the moment, she became her psychiatrist she knew Xiu was crumbling inside.
”Ms. Chen, speak your mind. Don't hold back anything. Not even your tears. Because I know that's not what you want to talk about.”
Xiu looked at her doctor and felt like she had become an open book. And yet someone was asking her to read her own soul out loud.
”Dr. Xi, do you know why it's hurting so much?” Xiu again moved her eyes away from the woman who looked to be in her early thirties. ”It hurts badly because of how much I loved him. I've never really loved anything in my life, not even my status as much as I loved him. But now, that love is fading away right before my eyes and I know it's ending. But with its end, I've also come to a realization.”
”What did you realize?”
”The fact that I have lost my own self while loving him. I gave up so big of a part of myself that without him, I feel like there is nothing left. Not even my own existence. I poured my heart and soul into this and that's why it feels like my heart has broken into million little pieces and each piece is hurting like hell inside.”
Dr. Xi kept her professional stance but looking at the beautiful girl she felt like she was looking at a doll; lifeless and listless. She could see the overwhelming desire of fading away in Xiu's face and it was scaring her.
”Ms. Chen, sometimes we have to lose to learn how to win again...”