Part 1 (1/2)
The Adventures of My Cousin Smooth
by Timothy Templeton
SOME PARTICULARS RESPECTING COUSIN SMOOTH
No unco America” is Mister Solomon Smooth, the individual whose part in these sketches was perforeneral Mr Srowed” on the extrely desolate spot, yet so Tom Coffin If I would select one of our nation's 'cutest sons; if I were called upon to name the kind of man with that in his natural co ment on the man most qualified to sustain the spirit and characteristics of the American nation abroad--one ould never betray our national energy, nor degrade his profession, nor fail to seek that which ht promote the interests of those who reposed trust in hi his own--if I were about for an expedition, and would provide myself with that character of man upon whom the issue of its successthose rigid qualities of a ht that rade the councils of a nation, I wouldpoint, and draw fro those flourishi+ng, energetic, and intelligent communities embraced within that circle which ter arh somewhat primitive in his personal appearance, is none of your common Cape Cod coasters, such as your Captain Doanes, and Cooks, and Ryders, and Clapps Not he! So slender of person is he, that there can be no particular i a comparison between hiinian bean-pole Nor, when he gets himself (as is not uncommon with hiurationto be disguised, that face so full of penetration, and those features so sharp The waggishly inclined have identified the storm currents Nevertheless, of this lean conforeneral willing to admit, is Smooth particularly proud In ed member of the fast school--that is, a disciple of eneral--he accepts the mission so kindly proffered him by his unfortunate friend, Mr General Pierce, and has no objection to giving the world and kingcraft (the latter rudderless, and drifting on those quicksands of common sense which it ell for nations had they proved destructive centuries ago) a few lessons in the go-ahead principle What So-ahead principle, is simply that when common sense triumphs universal in a nation, sycophantiscraft! So, with the ton, to have a first talk with General Pierce: this talk he hopes will be a prelude to putting straight the nationalities now drifting on the rock of intrigue, without that safety-valve which a people fully conscious of enjoying their rights can give And while thus eet that it is a well laid down rule that e and yet cut very ridiculous figures: hence his first talk with Mr Pierce, who is well known for general and very respectable characteristics, ood to land educated, (that land where niggers ers), loving universal rights, peace to consolidate a nation's good, and keep down thattenacious of freedom in its broadest acceptation, and coeneral diffusion of its results, it is Mr Smooth's candid opinion that ere another century rolls into the page of tireat American continent Could this be done at an earlier period, so eneral Smooth was borne out in this opinion froreat fuzzle, the result of which was an equally great fight Kingdoms and empires had become disordered, their craft was stranded; potentates were turning their people into hter
Nicholas ( a few thousands an act most pious: it was all for the sake of Christianity and a very small holy _rite!_ On the other hand, there was Mister John Bull, so dogged at ti so very unchristian lead and steel into Nicholas's subtle-headed serfs But the thingwith the fever of war, had got Johnny crappo at his back instead of his belly--a fact that would be recorded on the strangest page of history Strange fighting co do now and then becoive too lo-French combination? Let the world say what it ith reference to our worthy friend Uncle John fighting the battle of Moha hi to overnments that has stained the history of the world with its crie while forwarding to Turkey a copious edition of his ”Society for Proe”
We hope with Mr Smooth, that Master Bull and Cousin Jonathan entle for one's rights; both are for ever finding a sreater bone, which, by preserving, affords the best picking Indeed, we must all admit, that if polite diplohty recriive us plenty of ith only bows and smiles to pay for the blood and treasure wasted But Mr Bull is considerate with his pohile Jonathan shrewdly calculates howembroiled in ill disturb his tin business May our discretion continue to forovernro question bids very fair to get political parties into an interular hopes of those having friends ould like to be next President of the United States The ”white house,” (that shrine of patriotic worshi+p!) having its avenues strongly bolted and barred with forinia and Carolina, has beco sad niggers of themselves
Mr Solomon Smooth lamented this; and, in order to ascertain what could be done in the way of finding a re his first talk with General Pierce;--in a word, to see what could be done in the way of straightening things ere he tried the quality of his cigars and Bourbouin whiskey, a large stock of which the General was known to keep on hand The party to which Mr S its nu ladies whose talents were fast increasing; hence it was that he was a firovernment: such an one, albeit, as would republicanize Russia, knock Austria into a s--revolutionize Europe in general, and in particular teach kings of the christian faith how very unchristian it is to wage savage wars In addition to this, he would have the world in general hest duty was to ood citizens Were this not enough, he would go for annexing to these ”United States” all the rest of creation; Mexico and Central America in particular, to aid which object he would have the moon perform a specific part on behalf of manifest destiny
The reader must reh never so bad as he seems But ill let him speak for himself, and as his letters are addressed to Uncle Sah from the Editor_
WHITE HOUSE, WAshi+NGTON, DC, JUNE, 1855
CHAPTER I
MR SOLOMON SMOOTH IN WAshi+NGTON
”Dear Uncle--Once upon a tin of Pierce is upon us it is difficult to tell what you reatness, you are now the shadow of Pierce--the ht of you frequently, Uncle: I have seen you in sorrow looking back upon the past, and my heart has beat with sympathy as I saw you contrast it with the present Once patriotisns Politics are turned into drum-sticks, parties are lost for want of a policy, principles are buried in theaccusto so crooked as Mr Pierce staggers his digestion If the concentrated wisdoht I as I entered the city) who can gainsay ? I knew the atmosphere I entered had foul ht as the face of parties on the other hand was defor in the federal city, I became forcibly iest expectations, though he will not object to beco made this wonderful discovery, I took up eous palace where an uncouth e was the house that a pilot to guide alleries to bed was an indispensable necessity I was fatigued, and cared not where I hung up Large as was the establish looked so costly that I becaht becoht be compelled to pay the shot with a short locker; or, should the case go before Pierce, he ht in the profundity of his wisdom exile me to some remote spot on the Mosquito coast I walked into the establishment like one who feels hi at the place and the people, as the people co, seeer!' said a well dressed but rather inquisitive individual, 'you nity, and eat dough-nuts of Southern e quantities of this diet are made now at the White House; in fact Pierce has turned the establishment into a factory, where that article is manufactured _ad libituht the person who thus accosted ave e, which I rendered into an insinuation to stand treat I affected not to understand hiain the long and very expensive any counter that stretched half across the office, and behind which glowed out the figure of a fat citizen, whoh this world without brass; if in your face you have enough to establish a foundery, so much the better It is indispensable in political e I have thought the ss in the article
No one could be hbours than I am; this, Uncle Sa delicate during the reign of Pierce, whose cabinet recalls tohen, that forever kept up a noise without laying one egg To ton, you entlees in brass As they love you, Uncle Sam, so also would they live upon you, die upon you, be buried at your expense, and their friends be very angry were you not a mourner at the funeral This I, Sh respect I entertain for all those patriotic gentlemen ould take such care of ood natured citizen, who stood: behind the any, had a face as broad and placid as a town-clock seen by htly driven into a suit of extravagant cloth, and altogether presented the appearance of having quite recently escaped from the hands of James, his tailor It was not in the power of man to analyze his character froed by the world's wisdo him in love with himself
Should he chance to read this imperfect sketch, he will excuse ht up to hi the hope that at no distant day he would become a very important character--perhaps outshi+ne General Pierce hirinned at ht draw the game I then added, that fro in assury politicians and honester people 'You may stake some on that, old feller,' says he, with a suspicious leer His nasal was so, so I put him down as from Vermont State, perhaps froe he upon the counter, poany was all his This seenity, which was of tender quality, so I cast upon hi if he could tie a body up for the night in a spare corner
'You ot a spare pin we can hook ye on so his elbows, anda support of his fleshy hands, from bethich his face peered like a soft pumpkin sorely squeezed In this position he stared, and stared, until his countenance assumed an anxiety, equalled only by that of a sturation time--say one, who had hoped for the mission to the court of St James, but as a matter of patriotisth he condescended to say, with an air of languishi+ng endurance, that 'he could do me up brown, in the way of coreat kindness, said I wanted to exercise a judicious economy, and could not do the extensive, like those persons sprawling in easy arm chairs at the left hand corner, to whom I pointed, and who, like Mr President Pierce's representatives abroad, werequizically at the tie-up under ain at the coarse weave ofto the bundle) constituted e Instantly I told him it was none of his business; that there was no occasion for his feeling so large, though Mr Pierce was President He ht of himself, and very civilly rejoined that there was no place this side of Cape Horn--and he doubted if there was on the other side--where it was so necessary to see the colateral as this Washi+ngton He was proceeding to sayabout the doubtful character of General Pierce and his friends, when I interrupted by saying, I thought he ottenA up the manifest destiny for mankind'
”'Manifest destiny never pays debts: er, weshort The General has got so ton on a snificant shrug), that a body has to keep a sharp eye in the wind' Suddenly he began to druany, screw his face into a disc of puckers, and look so wise So glad did he seem, that he whistled Yankee Doodle with the variations, looked every which way, and then laughed right out at what he called Sh at the fixens--old feller!' says I, 'Uncle Saenerous old butt, will stand all the treats and hotel bills Besides that, I was born in the very sand heap where Tom Coffin was raised'
”'Who cares for To a polite bow to a thirsty senator froent bent his neck over, and approaching with his lips the ear of the i fro, when translated into decent English, s are administered at your bar, pray direct me the way to it! The fat e; and then suddenly turning to me, he said: 'If Tom Coffin lived now-a-days, when politics went on the fast, he wouldn't be worth shooks, he not having a vote, nor wanting an office under the new ad a look as if I was going to strike so at him, 'don't make such a fuss about the needful--look'a here!' I just plu fascinated his eye, tells his 'll do the dust Like an hydraulic current let loose did the fellow prick up his ears: then he said, '_do_ tell,' with a ain he drew a long breath, and a seriousness came over his face that could only be likened to that of a South Carolina loco a whole convention of secessionists, who, having failed in devisinghomeward very melancholy
”'Never doubted Mr Smooth's word,' says he, with si, painful is the experience that office-holders and seekers, though always kind to Uncle Sa, seldoitimates are left in the key-hole'
”'You mean that the General's friends don't shi+ne over on the square?'
”'Precisely so!--Mr General Pierce himself is a sort of ihters in the Mexican hen he was brigadier, expect sootten Now and then the General is sorry to inform his many friends that he is a little ill; to which a voice here and there is heard to say that he is not inclined to do the clean thing'