Part 6 (1/2)
Teeks later, she writes as follows:
”_Night_ ThisI had a very satisfactory conversation with dear mother, and feel considerably relieved from painful exercise I found her views far more correct than I had supposed, and I do believe that, through suffering, the great ill yet be accoh she had found it very hard to bear s which sister and I had from time to time said to her, yet she believed that the Lord had raised us up to teach her, and that her fervent prayer was that, if ere right and she rong, she _, she would, I was sure, see still more than she now did; and I drew a contrast bethat she once approved and now believed right 'Yes,' she said, 'I see very differently; for when I look back and re of it, I shrink back with horror Much more passed, and we parted in love”
Teeks later Angelina left Charleston, never to return The description of the parting with her , but we have not room for it here It shows, however, that Mrs Grihter most tenderly She shed bitter tears as she folded her to her boso amid her sobs: ”Joseph is not, and Simeon is not, and ye will take Benjahter never saw each other again
CHAPTER VIII
Angelina arrived in Philadelphia in the latter part of October, 1829, and made her home with Sarah in the family of Catherine Morris
Over the next four or five years I h they wereincidents and so that time I would like to notice, if space per herself as the vilest of sinners, against whom it seemed at times as if every door of mercy was closed, and still haunted by her horror of horrors, the ht her apparently no nearer the long-expected and dreaded end She was still unrecognized by the Church First-day s were looked forward to without pleasure, while the Quarterly and YearlyOf one of the latter she says,--
”I think no criminal under sentence of death can look more fearfully to the day of execution than I do towards our Yearly Meeting”
Still she would nerve herself from time to time to arise when the Spiritno satisfaction from the exercise, except that of obedience to the divine will
Doubtless she would have grown out of all this timidity, and would have acquitted herself , if she had met with consideration and kindness from the elders and influential members of the Society But, for reasons not clearly explained, her efforts do not seearded with favor; and so sensibly did she feel this that she treed even to offer a prayer in the presence of one of the dignitaries It is probable that her ultra views on various needed reforelina both did--to conforave offence For instance, the sisters never could bring therammatical forms of speech, such as _thee_ for _thou_, and would wear bonnets of a shape and material better adapted to protect them from the cold than those prescribed by Quaker style It was also discovered that they indulged in vocal prayer in their private devotions, which was directly contrary to established usage These things were regarded as quiet protests against customs which all members of the Society were expected to respect As to the _principles_ of Quakeris, them than many of the elders themselves Sarah frequently mentions the coldness and indifference hich she was treated by those froht to look for tender syly records the kindness and encouragement offered to her by many of the less conspicuous brothers and sisters It is no doubt that to this treat of her interest in Quakeris it
One obstacle in the way of her success as a preacher was her h a clear, forcible thinker and writer, she lacked the gift of eloquence which so distinguished Angelina, and being, besides, exceedingly self-conscious, it was difficult for her to express herself satisfactorily in words Her speech was so very deeply, or at all eh she was in a hurry to get through This irregularity laid her open to the charge which was frequently brought against her, that she prepared and co, an al to the views of thosethe accusation That her earnest denial of this should be treated lightly was an additional wrong which Sarah never entirely succeeded in forgiving In reference to this she says:--
”The suffering passed through inas if I were condemned already whenever I arise; the severe reproofs administered by an elder to whoe of preparing what I had to say out ofthere to preach, instead of to worshi+p, like poor Mary cox, was aluish; but Jesus allayed the stor at h ht under exercise on account of this work, and many are the sleepless hours I pass in prayer for preservation in it, feeling it indeed an awful thing to be a channel of co to the charge again, soreatly fear my best life will perish in this conflict I have felt lately as if I were ready to give up all, and to question all I have known and done”
As contrasting with the very different opinions she held a few years later, the following lines fro:--
”There are seasons when my heart is so filled with apostolic love that I feel as if I could freely part with all I hold most dear, to be instrumental to the salvation of souls, especially those of the e often prevails, 'I am not sent but to the lost sheep of the house of Israel' Yet wo I cannot see it to be right, and I a that 'Woe is me, if I preach not the Gospel' To see is no part of my business, but Iis against it”
About this tielina was adan her preparation for the er food to satisfy its cravings It was not enough for her to accept the few duties assigned to her; she y, which was only her ambition to be practically useful, refused to let her sit with folded hands waiting for the Lord's work She was too strong to be idle, too conscious of the value of the talents co to lay theht be
She never loved the Society of Friends as Sarah did She chafed under its restrictions, questioned its authority, and rebelled against the constant ade of her diary, dated a short time before her admission to Friends' Society, she says:--
”I have passed through so a member of Friends' Society Perhaps it is Satan who has been doing all he could to preventood to be one of theht for me ever to have worn the dress of a Quaker, for I despised the very forrace to have adopted it, so empty have the people seemed to me, and so to join them My heart has been full of rebellion, and I have even dared to think it hard that I should have to bear the burdens of a people I did not, could not, love”
Angelina's devotion to Sarah led her to resent the treat a breach between Catherine Morris and the sisters
Nevertheless, she did join the Society, impelled thereto, we are forced to believe, ious conviction But she constantly complains of her ”leanness and barrenness of spirit,” of ”doubts and distressing fears” as to the Lord's rerieves that she is such a useless member of the Church, the ”activity of nature,” she says, ”finding it very hard to stand and wait”
Her restlessness, no doubt, gave Sarah some trouble, for there are several entries in her diary like the following:--
”O Lord, be pleased, I beseech Thee, to preservein her oill, or under the deceitful reasonings of Satan Strengthen her, I beseech Thee, to be _still_”
But though Angelina tried for a ti marked out for her, she found no satisfaction in it She looked to theso outside of the missionary hich satisfied Sarah's conscience But what should that be? The sahtened Sarah into a life of quiet routine now faced Angelina But she looked at them bravely, measured herself with them, and resolved to conquer them The field of education was the only one which seemed to promise the active usefulness she craved; and she at once set about fitting herself to be a teacher She was noenty-six years old, but no airl of fifteen ever entered upon school duties witha course of study for herself History, arithun, with her sister Anna as a fellow-student, and raphy and travels All this, however, was evening work Her days were als assigned to her by the society, into all of which she infused so an to fear that she was in danger of losing some of her spirituality She says herself that she was so much interested in soh for her
There is no allusion in the diary or letters of either of the sisters, in 1829 or 1830, to theevents of the anti-slavery movement which occurred after the final abolition of slavery in New York, in 1827, and which foreshadowed the earnest struggle for political supremacy between the slave power and the free spirit of the nation The daily records of their lives and thoughts exhibit them in the enjoy prisons, hospitals, and al over no sorrow or sins but their own Angelina was leading a life of benevolent effort, too busy to admit of the pleasures of society, and her Quaker associations did not favor contact with the world's people, or proer refor keenly under the great sorrow of her life