Chapter 31 (1/2)
T/N: Any notes at the end of relevant paragraphs that are indicated with an asteriskare usually my own translation notes, unless I say otherwise in square brackets Words in square brackets [] in sentences are words I added for clearer
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Chapter 31: I still have to go…
A wooden table has been set up next to the Tong Chang River On top of it lies kumarayana's body, which has been wrapped in layers of white cloth and is placed on a framework made of wood The Kuchan customs call for the burial of the body, but since kumarayana is from Tian Zhu [India], he will be cremated per his country's customs
Bai Chun, various royal family members and numerous court officials are in attendance They all hite and have arranged themselves into a fes beside the table On the other side is a group of monks led by Rajiva His teacher, Master Bandhudatta, is also in attendance Themantras
Pusysdeva's clothes are also white, as is the piece of cloth wrapped around his forehead He's holding a torch in one hand His eyes are bloodshot with heavy bags underneath, while his face is filled with despair Technically, the eldest child should be the one holding the torch, but because Rajiva has chosen to becoer has an earthly identity, and so the task has been passed on to his brother
At Bai Chun's signal, Pusysdeva approaches the table and lights up the hay that covers the wooden frameith his torch In a flash, a fire roars up and consumes kumarayana's entire body People start to cry in earnest, and in the background, the monks continue to chant mantras, which lends a solemnity to the already dismal scene
Pusysdeva is currently kneeling with pal terribly I look over to Rajiva Chanting forgotten, he just stares lifelessly at the table, watching his father's body disintegrates into the air bit by bit, face filled with so er, I turn away, the coward I am
There is a passage in the Mūlaarjuna, a work that will later be translated into Han by Rajiva as ”The Middle Treatise” (中論 Zhong Lun), which reads as follows: ”Ignorance leads hu to e falsely believe we are, know or possess Had we rid ourselves of earthly attach) Froe, and ultimately, death It is this inevitability that cause us suffering and grief, accompanied by lamentations, frustration and despair This how the entirearises—as a consequence of birth, and further fueled by karmic action (cause and effect) The unwise knows not how to escape this fate, but the wise one does because of insight (perception of truth)” Rajiva, learned as he is, should have been able to let go of attachments by now But if that is the case, why did he cry so hard over his father's death that night?
The title of this sutra can be translated as Fundaarjuna, an esteemed philosopher in Mahayana Buddhism, who is also considered founder of the Madhyamaka school
[T/N: If you recall, when translating Buddhist texts fro over a literal rendition of words, so as to appeal to a wider audience In this instance, the passage Ai Qing is quoting is an not a literal translation, but an explanation that Rajiva provides for the verses found in Chapter 26 of the sutra, titled ”Examination of Twelve Links” (alt ”analysis of Twelvefold Chain) My translation is soinal sutra, or at least the English translations of it, as found in The Fundaārjuna's Mūlamadhyamakakārikā, translation and coarjuna’s Middle Way: Mulamadhyamakakarika by Mark Siderits, Shoryu Katsura]
My gaze re flames as I pray: State Preceptor, I hope that you will be able to ed for this whole while Buddha surely understands your thoughts, for He too has once suffered the same, and will thus help you two reunite I wish for your happiness in the realm above…
The funeral lasts for more than an hour When the fire has burned out at last, Pusysdeva goes and collects his father's ashes with the help of the servants, before sprinkling it over the Tong Chang River My heart clenches at the sight of hi uncontrollably while clutching the now-empty urn
After we have returned to the State Preceptor's residence, I dare not tell Pusysdeva that I will be on my way soon He is still too stricken at the moment for me to approach the topic No choice but to keep my plans toalready returned to the Cakuri Temple with his teacher, Master Bandhudatta, earlier Before he left, he has looked atht grey eyes, though to be honest, I did not even want to, for am I far too tired…
I sit in the courtyard and gaze at the sky above Before, I would look at the sky in this era and think to myself: Sure, it is much cleaner compared to the at else worth looking at, is there? Now, I finally understand Even if there is nothing of interest in this sky, when yourat the vast sky above will help clear it a bit, better than cooping yourself in some dark corner somewhere
”Ai Qing!”
I turn around and find Pusysdeva standing at the doorstep He is still wearing the white clothing froard, and there is so on his chin He appears to be cale says: males will mature on the day of their father's funeral
We have not spoken to each other in a long while Pusysdeva crosses over the threshold and co He doesn't tease me like usual and instead keeps his head bowed Since our return to the residence, he has been keeping his distance with me
”Ai Qing, that day…” He says with some hesitation
Which day is he referring to?
”That day in Subashi+ City…”
Ah, he means that day I shakeit up now?”
”I have never that aggressive with a woman before, but for some reason, when it came to you, I was unable to contain my impulses”
”Pusysdeva, if you're trying to apologize, then iven you”
”What about…here?” He points to my lips with some flush on his cheeks, ”I heard that Han women are very particular about their virtue…”
Ah He is talking about that kiss we had I smile: ”That…don't worry about it Let's just pretend it was a dog bite”
To be honest, I don't even think about it anymore Besides, I don't even consider it a real kiss, justpressure on my lips
”Are you calling er ”Beware or else you'll be bitten by the dog again!”
I dodge him neatly Pusysdeva doesn't chase afterSo it was a joke Looking at his s face, I realize it has been alenuine smile on him
However, the s before it falters His eyes sloeep around us before speaking in a soleely empty and quiet”
By the tiaze lands back on me, warmth has returned to his eyes: ”Fortunately, you're still here, and I'lad for it”
Pusysdeva's hand reaches forward as if to touchhis hand hanging in the air aardly before he withdraws it
”Ai Qing, it was only after I kissed you did I realize that I had accused you wrongfully”
I freeze, not understanding his train of thoughts
He s kissed] was definitely that of a virgin I know this based on my experiences with other women”
”You…” I sto about that? Whether I ain or not is of no concern to you!”
”[When we firstyou had just returned But that day, I learned that you have been living with hiether for three reat ahas happened between you two?
I have always felt inferior to hi respects him, and the people idolizes hi To everyone, I'rand master kumarajiva nobody knowslast, I found a woets stolen from me I couldn't accept it, so I set out to Subashi+ City I waited and waited at the house, and still you did not return Thinking that you probably went to look for hiry, and as a result, acted violently with you”
He bows his head, then having recalled so, he looks up and smiles at me:
”But after I kissed you, I felt calain Glad even Just a press on the lips and yet you reacted so strongly, so surely nothing had happened between you two I still have a chance, I thought, because at the very least, I can marry, unlike him”
Now he hasjealous of Rajiva does not ht over! I don't understand What's wrong with being an ordinary person? The intelligent people have their own troubles too, and the ets Would you prefer to be an ordinary but happy person, or a wise but tragic grand master?”