Vol 2 Chapter 6 (2/2)

Hirosue hastily excused hi he was sleepy, and fled to his roo door behind hi downstairs

When he lay down on the bed, he could see the bookshelf by theIn it were books he used to read in school, and textbooks he used to study fro at them made him almost feel like the place was suspended in time

Here was a life unlike one when he had been working at the office, when he was constantly being crushed by his complex towards his inability In this house, he had his own place and role to play Every man had his place Perhaps the office was not the place for hiht man for the office

Once the sources of his stress were behind hian to blur,him wonder what all his fuss had been about It made him realize that he had been obsessed and preoccupied by so that had no real for to say to his past, brooding self

He was suddenly reminded of his cell phone, and picked it up He never had ed e-mails, and once he withdrew into the country, coether Today, like every other, yielded no new calls or e-mails But he did not find it particularly lonely

Hirosue went through his e-mail history Almost all of them were from Matsuoka until April, where it ended abruptly Matsuoka had said he wouldn’t e-mail or call anymore, and he had kept his word Hirosue had received no contact from him whatsoever Hirosue rolled over onto his back and looked up at the wood-panelled ceiling He recalled the inn that he and Matsuoka had stayed at together on their trip

What if, he iined What if he and Matsuoka had dated as lovers? What would have happened then? Would they kiss, have sex, and live together? He couldn’t even iine it

Then again, perhaps it would be ether They would lay out their futons together, talk about nothing in particular, laugh… would that have become a daily routine?

Hirosue reckoned his sister-in-laords that afternoon were still lingering in a corner of his head Perhaps that hy he was thinking about these things

‘You should have just married her to try it out’

It wasn’t that easy This was anotherakin to affection towards Matsuoka, when they had e of physical intimacy, an uncontrollable part of hi that a woman was not supposed to have Hirosue put a hand to his chin He could feel the slight grittiness of his stubble In truth, he did not even remember why he had felt so repulsed

Even when he had seen Matsuoka’s naked body―and to be crude, his genitals―he had not felt anything noteworthy He had only thought of it exactly as it appeared before his eyes―a male body He had already confirs

Rather than the carnal aspects, Hirosue felt endearhed, or in the way the azed at him, or in the subtle expressions he showed Clearly there was so with him to think of a man like this, but a part of him definitely did feel that way

The hts became a jumbled, nonsensical mess The bottom line was that he was not able to make Matsuoka his lover But he had liked him as a friend The end

As for lingering attachments to the city―if he had any, they only concerned Matsuoka When they parted, he had made Matsuoka cry―that was it Matsuoka had asked if Hirosue had thought of hio back to the country I should have said “I did”, even if it was a lie But at the tis to show any consideration

At the very least, he felt like he should have told Matsuoka his parents’ home address and phone nus settled down Then, he wouldn’t have hurt the h to make him cry But in the end, Matsuoka had been the one to say that Hirosue didn’t have to tell him

He wanted to speak with Matsuoka Now that he was free of the impediment that was his company, he felt like he could talk to Matsuoka with ease He wanted to apologize for acting cold because of his petty pride He also wanted to tell the man about his hometown He felt like Matsuoka would listen

But he was hesitant to crassly call or e-mail the man when he had precisely cut off all contact because they could not be lovers―because he did not want to be friends Even so, Hirosue had a feeling that once he did get in touch, Matsuoka would interact with him just like he used to

Although he never recalled anything about his cos about Matsuoka In fact, memories of Matsuoka were the only ones that ever came to his mind

The wedding of Hirosue’s best friend, shi+h a sole to an informal class reunion at the after-party Since the cereuests were already acquainted with each other The pair at the centre of the day were all but ignored as the guests grouped off and enjoyed themselves as they pleased The at to Hirosue, who had not had a chance to eat out since quitting his co with so time

shi+mizu’s as a little plump, a woman one would call “cute” rather than “pretty” She was in her early twenties and a decade younger than the grooainst the law,” the guests teased with a mix of envy, and the topic was the joke of the day

shi+enerous aement of those around him By the time they moved to a bar for their after-party, he was quite drunk Hirosue had been drinking quietly in a corner when shi+mizu yanked him out of his seat and made a loud declaration for all to hear

“When this guy here gets ive a speech for hiirl!” he announced, in a completely unasked-for PR pitch

Thanks to shi+mizu, Hirosue was approached by about five people who asked hitheht time yet

“How about ested Hirosue couldn’t tell if he was serious or kidding, and had a hard tih, the groom passed out drunk, and was taken home by the bride The party continued even after the pair of honour had left, and finally wrapped up when the first trains had started running the next

Hirosue walked ho air and the light of the dawn He had quite a way to walk until his house, but it wasn’t far enough to take a taxi

On the way, they e the seaside, and the air was suddenly filled with the briny scent of the ocean The waves were high and the as strong The ocean waters were a little rough Despite Hirosue’s warning that it was dangerous, his childhood friend cli the embankment

“You’re lucky to be single, you know,” he said “You’re free to do anything you want It’s nice having a family, but you have to deal with a bunch of petty troubles that aren’t even your own They just keep soblling”

His friend had three children and had just been proer this year His hair, as if to reflect his troubles, was starting to thin His body, in contrast, had gained a generous airth

“It’s not that I regret getting ered on the es By squatting down, he so over the embankment onto the sand on the other side The e at five metres Even if his childhood friend fell into the sand, he would probably sustain quite serious injuries Hirosue’s heart had nearly stopped with fear

“I told you it was dangerous,” he told his friend sternly The man slumped his shoulders and bowed his head

“―You know, there was this girl I used to love,” he said abruptly, on a coent “It o When Isomeone else, so I couldn’t tell her I loved her But I could tell she had a thing for me I still wonder sometimes about ould have happened if I’d told her I’d loved her And if it’d gone well, I wonder if ed”

The friend laughed

“I dated a good nuot married, you know But she’s the only one I still remember Maybe I should have told her back then that I loved her Maybe I regret not saying anything, and that’s why I still can’t let go”

Hirosue let out a s his bottoure He lapsed deep into thought as he gazed at the ocean

“Maybe the fact that nothing ever happened is why you keep i ould have or could have happened”

“I towards him

“The less you know about a person, the ine, the more hope you can have”

His friend smiled wryly

“Iination’s not reality, is it? Maybe I was idealizing her”

Hirosue felt a snag in his heart at the word “idealize” Soh It had been―his brother, perhaps? He felt like Haya similar Yes, it hen he had told her about Yoko Eto Apart from the fact that she was actually Matsuoka, Yoko Eto was always flawless in his memories

If his friend’s memories of that woman was a product of his idealization, as his Yoko Eto? The difference that set him and his friend apart was that he had actually dated Yoko Eto She was not an ideal She was reality

“I had a girl like that in my life, too,” Hirosue said “I loved her so et about her”

His friend slowly turned towards him “And?”

“And? And nothing We just dated for a bit”

“Why didn’t you get married?”

Hirosue was stuck for words The woe as actually a man His friend see else

“Wait, was it an affair? You don’t seeh”

Hirosue ss happened”

“You’re lucky, though,” his friend said

“Why?”

“Why? Because you’re single You still have a chance to get back together with her Oh―or wait, is she going out with soet married?”

“She’s single Whether she’s dating anyone else or not―I don’t know I couldn’t say”

They had parted at the end of March, when the air had still been chilly Matsuoka, who seldom raised his voice, had laid bare his emotions, yelled, and said that he loved him

Hirosue couldn’t help but feel like Matsuoka still had feelings for his conveniently? It was no surprise if Matsuoka was dating someone else now Hayama had told hie interview and found her life partner not even a month after they broke up

Come to think of it―he remembered He had broken up once with Yoko Eto when he found out she was Matsuoka He had thought that Matsuoka had been toying with hi as a woman Later, he would find out that it was not true, and that Matsuoka had been serious in his oay After they broke up, Hirosue had been foolish enough to run into Matsuoka at a gathering irl In those feweach other, Matsuoka had also been looking for someone else

That hy it was only natural if Matsuoka was dating soation to Hirosue, who had told hi him his address

Matsuoka with soine it He did not want to see Matsuoka like that Why didn’t he? Was he sore to lose a person who clai that he could not be a romantic partner to Matsuoka, no matter how much love Matsuoka directed at him?

He had never hated Matsuoka Although they had parted ways because Matsuoka had said they couldn’t be friends, if he hadn’t said so, Hirosue would have liked to continue their friendshi+p

“So the girl I liked,” his friend continued, “she got h Apparently she’s in Saitaht now” The runt “She used to be really pretty But I look nothing like I used to with all this extra weight Ifeach other noith our ages written clearly across our faces, et over her”

That’s the harsh way to go about it, Hirosue rereat stretch towards the sky

“Ah, never mind,” he said “It’s a man’s innocent romance, and I’ll keep it tucked away in my heart as a beautiful memory People still need to dream, you know” Before they parted ways, his friend asked him to keep quiet to his wife about his story of a hed and told him he would

“I don’t regret getting married, you know But there’s always space in ayesterday―great day, huh? And she’s a decade younger than hi himself out there Your turn next, eh?”

Hirosue saw his friend off as the man made his way to the public apart the seaside In the light of the rising sun, he stopped and took in his surroundings There was really nothing at all Nothing here, apart froe

He suddenly re to visit the countrysideI should have invited hi here, Matsuoka had said he wanted to co that even if Matsuoka did come, the scenery would not match him very well

When Hirosue got hoh he had told her he would be co back the nextHe felt a little aard

“Welcoht,” she quipped as soon as their eyes met

“Sorry,” Hirosue apologized His sister-in-law giggled

“Weddings over here can get pretty crazy with the after-parties Norifu Which bringsbrother: you can take the day off work”

“But―”

His sister-in-law gave a cheerful shrug “Why not? You have your big brother’s per out nonstop ever since co home, Motofumi”

His sister-in-law then asked if he would like breakfast, but Hirosue graciously declined Without even bothering to take a bath, he collapsed onto his bed still wearing his suit He felt so hard and bu what it was It turned out to be his cell phone

The light was flashi+ng, signalling a new e-mail Hirosue sed hard Perhaps it was from Matsuoka Perhaps it said he wanted to talk, or that he wanted to meet He wouldn’t knohat to do if Matsuoka said he loved hi up, Hirosue certainly wanted to meet He also wanted to talk with Matsuoka

Hirosue opened the e When he saw the name that appeared on the screen, he was truthfully disappointed It was not from Matsuoka; it was fro, and asked for a good time to call She didn’t seem to be in a rush, and it was still seven-thirty in theHirosue closed his cell phone with a snap

Why had he assumed it was from Matsuoka? The ain They hadn’t been in touch for over a month and a half; what had made him think that today would be any different? Was it because he had been thinking of Matsuoka on the way ho about how much he wanted to speak to him?

Hirosue placed his cell phone at his bedside He rolled around in bed until he ended up falling asleep He did not get back to Hayama until the afternoon

It was sunny an to rain for days on end, and the temperature remained uncharacteristically chilly When it rained, Hirosue had to take special care not to get his delivery hich required y That, on top of the chill, caused Hirosue to coe time of the year

July rolled around just as he was finally fully recovered The sun’s rays suddenly turned scorching, and the temperature and humidity skyrocketed Since Hirosue’s roo, with every day that passed, it becaht

When Hirosue had first conificant he would often forget where he put it; nowadays, he carried it around everywhere He opened it several times a day to check for new calls or e- Matsuoka to contact him

Back in ot in touch with hih he did want to see Hayaive an answer He reckoned the grooer to invite a man who dated Hayama in the past

When Hirosue truthfully told her so, Hayahed on the other end of the line

“I won’t tell hio out But even if he knew, I don’t think he’d uests we invited cancelled, so we had an empty seat That’s when he told me I should invite soht, Hirosue? When I thought about how thisto see your face”

When she said it like that, it made Hirosue want to see her, too He told her he would be very glad to attend He suddenly wondered if Matsuoka would be attending Hayama and Matsuoka were in the same cohort and department They were also close It was very likely that he had been invited as well Hirosue wanted to know, but he felt like it would be poor uests by name He sent out feelers in a roundabout way instead

“Are there a lot of people co from your work?”

“I’ve only invited oing to be very big Most of the people fro to show up until the after-party It’s easier to have a relaxed conversation there than at the ceremony”

If her boss and the girls were the only ones attending, Matsuoka was probably not invited It looked like he would not have a chance to see theto the after-party, but Hirosue kneould only feel unco the only one from a different department That was probably why Haya and not the after-party

As soon as Hirosue had the excuse to go back to Tokyo for the wedding, his desire to see Matsuoka becah to surprise him These days, he often reo out for dinner They would eat, chat about everyday things―it had been fun But he kneas cruel to ask Matsuoka to ain when he had ceased all contact precisely because he didn’t want to be friends

That hy he eagerly awaited Matsuoka to get in touch with hih he could not ask Matsuoka to meet him, they would be able to see each other if Matsuoka was the one to bring it up If Matsuoka initiated it, it would be a sign that he had acknowledged that they could still be friends Hirosue’s trip to Tokyo was the perfect opportunity

Hirosue continued to wait for word fro The ceremony was set to start at a late hour of the day, so Hirosue planned to leave his house in the

That night, Hirosue did an unusual thing and had japanese sake with his dinner, getting pleasantly drunk

“Are you sure you should have had that much to drink?” asked his sister-in-laorriedly Hirosue paid no mind to her and climbed unsteadily up the stairs Once he returned to his room, he clawed for his phone

He let his drunken bravery take hold as he wrote an e-mail to Matsuoka

‘It’s been a while I hope you’re well I’ll be going to Tokyo to I plan to stay in the city on Saturday and Sunday, and I ondering if we could meet and have a chat if you have the time’

He debated greatly over how to phrase it, and ended up truthfully writing that he wanted to ain by sending this kind of e-etting in touch when he was trying to forget about him? Hirosue still wanted to see him He wanted to talk to him He could not understand why he was so stubbornly attached to Matsuoka when he didn’t see the man as a romantic interest

The sa had happened once before He had not been able to stop thinking about Matsuoka, and the thoughts filling his head hadto the station to wait for Matsuoka to go ho―he had only watched the man from the opposite platfors, and because he was unsure, he had not been able to approach Matsuoka Every day, he only gazed at the man as heto observe him, he would somehow arrive at an answer

What was he feeling now, then? What was his desire to see the s felt a touch too wariven the final verdict by saying it was physically i to claim that he was in love?

He wasn’t going to get an answer, no matter how much he mulled over his emotions inside his head He didn’t even knohat that ansas supposed to be His head started to hurt fro too much The fastest, easiest as to see Matsuoka in person But in order to see hiet in touch with him He had to send an e-mail Perhaps they wouldn’t be able to ―in that case, they could meet on Sunday But it was the weekend Perhaps Matsuoka had plans Yet, Hirosue had a feeling that if he were to tell Matsuoka he wanted to see him, the man would cancel his plans so they could ht not be able to change his plans on such short notice That hy Hirosue had to get in touch sometime today, at the latest―

Empowered by drink, Hirosue pushed the send button which he had hesitated to press these past few days He closed his cell phone and pressed it against his forehead, waiting for a reply An e- his heart nearly stop with surprise He hastily opened his cell phone

“―What?”

The e-e Hirosue had sent it in reply to an e-mail fro He tried sending it again, but that also cah the address in his phone book, but the result was the same The e-mail came back with an error

The inebriation which had empowered his recklessness quickly drained away frohtly clutched his cell phone

He had a guess in mind, so he called the nuardless of whether he called or not; if so, he ht as well call―thatBut the person who answered it was not Matsuoka It was a coer

There was no doubt about it Matsuoka had changed his e-mail address and phone nue Matsuoka had said he would never call or e-ain; perhaps it was only natural that Hirosue wasn’t notified

He had thought that one button press was all it took to get through to Matsuoka―that as long as he, Hirosue, had the guts to make that step, he would be able to see the et in touch, Matsuoka suddenly seemed much further away This hat Matsuoka had ain―this was his resolve, laid plain and bare before Hirosue’s face

Maybe Matsuoka was trying to forget hiet him Hirosue could only sit in stunned silence at the immovable fact before him