Vol 2 Chapter 5 (2/2)
On the 29th, Hirosue got off work at a regular hour, received a superficial bouquet of flowers and went home to his apartment It was empty inside, with only a few cardboard boxes packed with his belongings
His things were scheduled to be moved out tomorrow This would formally end his tenancy, and would return to the country on the last train
Hirosue ate a bento froht of hoould truly be une from tomorrow, he felt an indescribable sense of anxiety Perhaps he would go on to be a complete deadbeat; perhaps he would never find a new job―he kept thinking of bad things
He nursed a beer that he had bought with his bento as he stared absently at the wall Never did he feel o back hohts he would have to spend like this until he found his next job
I probably won’t be able to sleep tonight, he thought, when he heard his cell phone ring It was from Matsuoka Hirosue debated whether to answer it or not The phone rang incessantly He didn’t want to see theback to the country, he wouldn’t be able to see Matsuoka for a while Perhaps he should at least say farewell That was his reason for picking up the phone
“Hirosue” Matsuoka’s voice was tre “Thank God… thank God you answered the phone I want to see you right now I need to see you”
He was not asking for permission He had clearly stated that he wanted toover the phone, but he did not want to talk face-to-face
“I’m pretty tired out, so… sorry”
“Please If you don’t want to coh”
The man’s voice sounded so desperate, Hirosue felt sorry for hi out by inviting the reed instead to meet Matsuoka near a park close to his apartment, and went on to set a time
When he arrived at the park tenon the bench right beside the street larey suit and a thin coat of a light colour He looked like he was on his way ho
Hirosue had been too lazy to change, so he had thrown a tracksuit top over his shi+rt
“I’ you come out when you’re tired” Matsuoka’s nose was a little red “I have to work on Saturday and Sunday, so I figured today was the only day I could see you”
“You have to work during the fiscal year-end break?”
“I have to prep for training new recruits,” Matsuoka ht with it a lot ular work Even though Hirosue knew it had nothing to do with hi roll into his heart
“I heard fro back to your hometown sometime in March Is that true?”
“…Yeah”
Matsuoka’s tense lips twitched
“If you’re going back, that ht?”
“That would be right”
Matsuoka lowered his face and eh
“Tell me your address back home”
A short silence A dog was barking in the distance
“What good would it do to know?” Hirosue said
The man’s lips looked pale, perhaps because of the dim street lamp His mouth was pulled into a thin line
“I’ll visit you when I have the time”
“But it’s far”
“It’s two hours by bullet train and forty e a day trip” Matsuoka sounded casual, but Hirosue felt like he was only putting on an act
“You don’t have to go through the trouble”
“I’ll have to, won’t I, if I want to see you!” Matsuoka raised his voice, then covered his mouth as if he were surprised to hear hi It’s no trouble foroverseas, and I just have to get on a bullet train to see you So it’s fine”
If he told Matsuoka his address, theto the countryside to forget about this place; if Matsuoka ca to see the s But not yet
Hirosue did not give an answer Since he didn’t want to say anything, only silence wore on without
“―You won’t tell me,” Matsuoka said
“I’e to say
“What aaze earnest and his question desperate Hirosue sed hard
“You told me before, Hirosue, remes And I’ve been waiting But how ive me a proper answer?”
He had left things vague, and the consequences were co back to hi about Matsuoka, and he had thought it was because he had ros for him So he had held the man back so he could make sure Even after the answer beca Matsuoka because he had wanted their lukewarm friendshi+p to continue But if Matsuoka wanted an answer, perhaps noas the time to be frank about it
“Matsuoka, to me―”
“Nevervoice interrupted “You don’t have to say it”
Hirosue had a feeling that Matsuoka already knew He was sure the man knehat he was about to say That hy he had said there was no need Hirosue turned over his thoughts He wanted to keep being friends with Matsuoka But if he dragged this relationshi+p on and kept Matsuoka’s hopes up, he would prevent theanyone new
“Matsuoka, I asked you to wait because I wasn’t sure about ht about it after that, and in the end, I can only think of you as… um, a friend”
Matsuoka’s stiff cheek twitched Hirosue continued to speak as if to justify himself
“It’s not that I hate you I enjoy spending time with you But it’s different from hoould see someone romantically, and…”
“Sorry,” Matsuoka ot really ahead ofin March, and when I realized if you changed your cell nuet in touch,I can wait for as long as it takes…”
“I can’t be your lover, Matsuoka All the ti to be a waste”
“What the hell do you mean, a waste?” Matsuoka’s voice suddenly turned harsh
“What I’ is…”
“Are you saying I don’t even have a chance?” he derily Hirosue fell silent at his oppressive question
“Tell ,” Matsuoka pressed “I’ll fix it If you find it annoying to get e-mails every day, I’ll e-o with your pace, Hirosue” Numerous compromises His voice, almost like a cry of pain, racked Hirosue’s heart
“It’s not about how many e-mails you send or how many times we meet”
“Then tell ”
“It’s on a more… funda up a reason that no amount of effort could fix The silence wore on, and Hirosue felt like he was standing on a bed of needles
“…Is it…” Matsuoka’s lips ered in the air When Hirosue nodded slightly, Matsuoka’s face contorted harshly
“But you knew that already! I wasn’t crossdressed anymore when you asked me to wait for your answer!”
It was painful for Hirosue to be criticized about that Before, he had told Matsuoka, who had been in wouise, that he would fall in love with him no matter what form he took He had meant it at the time; however, he had not been able to love Matsuoka as a man And he had truthfully told him so
When he had held Matsuoka back, he had thought his preoccupation with him came froh he was a ht, he could not There was nothing he could do about it After all that he hadto reject hiain
“I thought I wouldn’t mind if you were a man But when it came down to it… just physically, I couldn’t…”
Matsuoka pressed his right hand against his chest “If you’re saying you can’t be with ain? If I put on makeup, wear skirts, just like I used to…”
“But that won’t change the fact that you’re a man”
“Then what the hell am I supposed to do?!” Matsuoka yelled
Hirosue averted his gaze from Matsuoka’s He could not look the man in the eye
“I don’t think there is anything you can do ―I don’t think anything can be done”
Matsuoka’s knees gave out as he cruround on the spot All the life left his face as he hung his head deeply His curled back was such a painful sight to see that Hirosue could not help but say so to him
“I wasn’t lying I really did think I would be able to love you ―But even though I can’t, I still care about you a lot, Matsuoka If I could, I’d want to keep being friends with you”
Matsuoka was silent for a long while as he hung his head
“…I can’t be friends” When he finally spoke, his voice eak “Maybe to you, ere just a couple of friends going out for dinner or going away so on a date Even if ere only seeing each other for a bit in the evening, I’d wear a nice suit that day I would have wanted to see you every day, but I thought you’d get annoyed, so I held back I know you never told me you loved me, or that you wanted to date me, but it felt like you’d already said so”
“I’m sorry”
“I did have a feeling that―h Maybe it wouldn’t work because I’s would take a turn for the better, and…”
Matsuoka’s voice shook and tapered off
“I don’t want to be friends If we’re friends, I’d have to congratulate you when you get a girlfriend or when you get ht? I’d never want to I don’t even want to see you become someone else’s”
What would happen, then, if they could not be friends? Matsuoka got up from his knees to stand on his feet His eyes were damp and red
“―You don’t have to tell me your address over there” His voice was limp and lifeless “I won’t e-mail or call you anymore”
If they could not be friends, perhaps this was the only choice left to them
“When you―” Matsuoka’s reddened eyes beheld his own steadily “When you decided to go home to the country, Hirosue, did you ever think about me?”
He was stuck for words He thought and thought soht ansould be, but in the end, he was only able to say the truth
“No”
Matsuoka dropped his gaze and lowered his face
“I see,” he whispered sadly