Part 2 (2/2)

When we really broke up, well, let's just say it wasn't a Jae and love and falling asleep - what lived and died between us - haunts

In the end, I made that boy marry me

The Other Lubbock

ONE OF THE RED RAIDER SWIMMER GUYS WAS A DEALER I don't think I ever saw Monty not high His skin looked ashen - even stretched as it was over athlete s around them His face had little holes in it He did not live in the doruys in a house In his house, there was a basement The basement door had a marijuana leaf on it with a smiley face in the center And it was locked To enter, you needed to know the knock

Two

Three

One

The first time I went down into Monty's basement I ith Amy When he opened up, ent in - ere the only woer Briefly I felt weird Then weirdly, I didn't There were uys in there besides us One of those four was also a swimmer When I looked at him, I couldn't tell if his eyes were open or closed, but he smiled and nodded and waved

The room was dark- and not just because the walls were painted black with all kinds of glow in the dark and neon shi+t all over the One shi+t brown old sofa, three lava lamps, three posters: Che and Jiiant angel fish glowed blue green in the corner A s ass coffee table upon which were a variety of iteood to name One Love in our ears

Monty came over with pills in his hand and said, ”Choose one, and I'll tell you what it does” I picked a capsule with a red cap on one side and a yellow cap on the other

A ” Nuh uh, captain fantastic,” reaching for a bong

Monty looked at h - huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhow about you take two?”

”What's it do?”

”Don't you want to knohat it is?”

”I just want to knohat it does,” I said, feigning bad-assery

By that tiive a shi+t about good citizenshi+p When I competed, I didn't even make the board No one in the pool turned their head at the finish to see me I was lucky I hadn't drowned I'd become the kind of woman whose mouth was stuck in a permanent ”yes” shape All I wanted was experience - especially if it would numb the fuck out of my brain My I don't knoho the fuck I a with me My couldn't so in my mouths

” Well, this particular little beauty will sedate your ass and make you dreamy”

I opened ht, I became sleepy, but not quite dreamy, so I asked for another Two more women showed up They didn't look like swiy hair Glitter nail polish They wore tube tops and Levis and flip-flops and giggled They ate acid tabs and danced

Aht but Monty talked me out of it ”I'll walk her back, I'll walk her,” He kept saying

The walk back was one of the funnier nights of ht War pool on cahing I said, ”Look at me! I'm Ophelia!”

Monty said, ”Am I Hamlet?”

”fuck yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!” I screamed, and rolled around in 10-inch deep water illuhts Cas on small pieces of I'm not really a cop paper and handed theo home After they left we ate theround under a tree - et it on but Monty didn't seeame where ould run as fast as we could and dive into shrubbery The next day at swim practice I was covered in shrub scrapes and scratches and ain

I wanted to do it again

I wanted to eat all the colors and see what I felt No I wanted to eat all the colors to get to the not feel But even that was not enough for a burning girl

One night there hite lines on , ”I' in the white, breathing out comprehension and emotion

What I learned about Lubbock from the people in that basement was a different brand of education Someone's father had been kidnapped and murdered Police found him in the stockyards under the hooves and shi+t of cows Soirlfriend on the way under with a shard of glass from a mirror Soes seven and 12 - because jesus told her to They icked, jesus had said into her ear One woman's uncle was a pedophile, but no one in the faave him an attic apartment Another wouy's Mexican best friend had been found with his hands and his dick cut off next to the train tracks - the severed ite Monty's half-brother was in the state hospital for repeatedly raping a retarded girl neighbor

I don't kno else to tell this but straight no chaser These dra with blood and immoralitythey ed daughter A failed student A slut An athlete gone to seed And as in the baseether, so I didn't need to knoho I was, or why, or anything at all

Two

Three

One

When I walked into the basement the second year, I was nearly always by myself I didn't care who else was there I didn't care what the room looked like What posters were on the walls What the shi+t brown couch had all over it What did interest me was the set-up on the table There sat a spoon and a tray with cotton, a lighter and a syringe I picked the spoon up and put it in my mouth Monty said ”huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhu huh where do you want it?”

I said ”Here,” and slapped h to raise a vein

Zombie FOR PART OF MY LUBBOCK LIFE I BECAME A ZOMBIE Not a flesh eating one Gross I'h functional type, like so ht This Second We're everywhere

In zoh to drop an elephant His license plate read ”DR IS IN” I unshot wound who sarettes I met a Mexican sculptor who cooked it up with peyote Ithe day and left reality every night and ca with droopy eyelids My creative writing teacher, timmers, a football star, the owner of a popular restaurant, musicians, artists, and oh yeah Junkie zo the dragon I still like watching the action of a syringe in an arm It actually makesto nothingness

And I liked how my life, and what it was and wasn't, si looks a little like it is underwater Slow motion and thick Other people look a bit cartoonish - theiron weird shapes, their ar into snakes or ani at inappropriate tis are sleepy Like in a lucid drea to neurobiology, in a lucid dreanizes they are drea sleep is activated the recognition of drea occurs, the dreamer must be careful to let the dreanize them It's a process some people theorize as the space between reason and emotion

The zombie is also in this kind of space between reason and eh functional zoht away that life was like awaking dreae

In a general sense, for me it was cool in zombieland For exaes on the ith absolute fascination until night fell Another tiain and covered a white wall of h I ad and threatened to consu uess now that I'ood deal like hypnosis or meditation In hypnosis or meditation, you shi+ft awareness from the physical world and enter the deeper world of the subconscious Soo numb Neither zombies nor hypnosis/meditation folks are freaked out by this In zombieland, when you are so relaxed your mouth feels lax as water and yoursomewhere important of the mind Down and deep Into the world of drea about zoht experience body distortions, vibrations, or weird shaking The key was not to panic It didn'tinto a Quaker It was noro” where youron the nod

And there is no such thing as time No past, no present, no future Or else they are all there at once So the slowing and slurring of language, the heaviness in your legs, the oddity of your hands turning to giant leaden balls that swing slowly fro wad of pillowcase in your o where you are going Though I distinctly re better when I did not leave the apartht blindness and duirl head out in the world Plus there was the probles and arms

Or irl like me Why notleave?