Part 2 (1/2)

Until May of 2009, Lubbock, h it's that too - arid enough to choke on But it was Alcoholess Except in bars and restaurants during certain tied” booze, you had to drive 25 h liquor barn type alcohol hut Load up Drive back Stealthily sneak your load up at night through the side doors to the girl's dorhts of stairs, or bottles shoved down your pants

The environmental extreent itreflex, and hot wind orange dust storms so thick you can't even see the hand in front of your face that also feel like you are being attacked by little Lubbock evil devil pins if you venture out

Avenue Q, Buddy Holly Plaza Big bronze Buddy Holly statue Google it Buddy, he's circled by a walk of fas and the venerable Mac Davis Budfest takes place during the first week of Septe Budfest, drunk West Texans dress up like Buddy and his wo town Picture a very large dirt area contained by a cement fence in the h And inside the ceround And in the holes? Prairie dogs So if you were drunk and high and sitting on the ce to do would be shi+ne a flashlight and then throw rocks at all the heads Like a grown up whack-a-mole What's not to like?

Yeah And when I say flat? I mean if you jump you can see Dallas

Lubbock Great place Honestly you should save up

By day I went to swim practice at 5:30 ah 3:00 p at 3:30 pm and swim practice at 4:30 pm and dinner at 7:00 pm every day but Sunday with a pack of hot swiht Every night As et in you before 5:30 a like it withher Maybe it was her drinking ability, or her swearing ability, or her rock and roll or her Bose speakers and kick ass stereo or her being fro West Texans were cretins or her butterfly stud shoulders or her big tits or her bandana or her torn up jeans or her one-hit pipe Maybe it was just her name Amy Amy, what you wanna do I think, I could fall for you, for awhile er if I do

I don't knobut, well, it's fore swimmers are nearly all on some kind of scholarshi+p That's money There were the two British tith spikey bleached hair There were endless Barbie Texans with hairspray and drawls There was a fantastic senior dyke and an aly beautiful boy-bodied Asian woman and mystical Romanian Of those with peckers, there was a tall lanky tow head with hair as white as mine whose last name was Creamer that I fell for like a blond brick house, there was a surfer So Cal king of Bruce Springsteen and Elvis Costello and beer dude, there was a two-stepping horn dog frouy from Amy's hometoho orchestrated the uys with rockets in their pockets and shaved skin in places regular guys didn't know about

When I say we partied, I h the yearover and skip Godforsaken cafeteria shi+tty instant eggs breakfast at 7:00 am and skip classes at 10:00 a beer eat cold pizza and Haagen Dazs ice-creah take a test once every week or so and weight training at 3:30 pm and swim practice at 4:30 pm and fuck dorm dinners they taste like shi+t and you have to sit with a bunch of West Texan fuckwaddery lets go out early and drink lets hit the Rock-Z and dance and dance and dance and drink and barf and screw every day every night

I lost my scholarshi+p the second year I flunked out the third

Love Grenade I

I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE THE KIND OF WOMAN JAMES Taylor would sing: I feel fine, anyti in the Way She Moves” You know that song Don't you wish so would be Blood on Her Skin, Dripping with Sin, Do it again, Living Dead Girl Yeah By Rob Zoirl

My first husband, beautiful boyman, reminded me of James Taylor Of how exactly like his hands, exactly his voice, exactly his long lean body Exactly his introverted acoustic guitar genius, exactly his artist eyes, exactly his ego underneath all that thin man I shoulda been with Rob Zombie but I wasn't For a few years, in Lubbock, Texas, where I'd co scholarshi+p, I ith a JT man named Phillip

Me: Doc co irl skirt and black leather biker jacket No hairspray, no fingernail polish, no purse Utterly out of place in Lubbock, Texas

Those years were filled with hih andto school Which by the third year I'd flunked out of The only As I received were in Philosophy And that was because the professor was high every class so we just sat around shooting philosophical shi+t until we all started co with Phillip Trying not to fall in love with h every month of each year the swimmer in me drowned a littlethe night of the first breakup in Lubbock Snow in Lubbock looks weirdly duets No mountains No trees No hills When it snows in Lubbock one et drunk and drive around Don't think badly of etsthirsty And there isn't ht, and even if there was you would see it a ht After a while we stopped And I was drunk as a monkey, and I climbed up onto the shoulders of the Buddy Holly statue in a cemetery-ish park

The Buddy Holly statue isn't all that high, by the way But I was acting like I was king of the world

The ertips out of his gloves and played guitar at the base of the Buddy Holly statue He played the acoustic opening to ” Wish You Were Here” Which he'd picked out of the sky by ear He played ”Sweet Baby James” Then he played ”Suzanne” At Buddy Holly's feet With a drunk ass blonde lifting her shi+rt up to the 30 degree night sky going ”fuck ALL Y'ALLLLLLL EAT ME WOOOOOOOOOOO” To no one in particular except Lubbock

I'd been with Phillip for about a year How I fell for hiht after I walked past him in the dorm hall He had the deepest voice I'd ever heard on a white boy It was the kind of voice that curled around the top of your spine and jaw andIn my head was I am so far from my father I am so far from my father I amsofarfrommyfatherIamsofarfrommyfather

When I turned around, there he was With shoulder-length locks of hair, thick as shi+t eyelashes, Moccasin boots, and a guitar

There he was that night, down in the snow playing ”Suzanne” Singing the night wide open Me perched atop Buddy Holly sort of cross-eyed, looking at stars and drooling on Buddy's bronzed head Even angry girls can bebusto

Reason one: I spent the entire year ers' hoht to fuck on the floor I don't knohy It did a real nuet so terrified, but he'd do it, and I'd run and turn a light on and he'd nearly coronary leaping with his 6' 3” lanky ass body to turn it back off I'd break into whatever liquor I could find and he'd try to fill the bottles back up ater and replace the lids and restore thee theto rescue little white pills

And e'd fuck I'd climb on top of him and ride the art of his cock as hard as I could, wishi+ng I was his guitar and not soers would strum me to death, strum me clean, stru for My shi+rt off and my tits white moons and my head rocked back and ht shatter - because those long and lean guys have huge cocks - and then we'd breathe and look at each other in the dark of a home we'd broken into and entered, and then he'd becoain and juthe laugh of broken girls

God Poor Phillip I wish I could go back and apologize He was never cut out for a woh I've since learned that extreme passivity has its oer

Reason two: he was too beautiful Way more beautiful than me and way more beautiful than a beautiful woman Have you met these men? His too beautiful voice and his beautiful hands and his beautiful cock But the beauty went all haywire on the inside because he thought he was shi+t And that thinking he was shi+t? It transformed him into the exact opposite of me - the most passive y or conflict Which was basically e would come, he'dwell, he'd fall asleep

He's the only person I've ever uetting to the moment of victory I never saw anyone do that but hio I nearly imploded or spontaneously co ass southern Baptist Christian fareat s on fa in their voices And his father was the voice of God once removed, and his older brother was the voice of God twice removed, and the other three people besides Phillip were sisters, so that third removed God voice fell upon his slender shoulders I”I'll Fly Away” or the dreaded ”A Grace?” No wonder he was so tired

And here's why the irl woman's sexual history h the reject God, leave ho musician, have a family, return to the fold and take on the man mantle chapters But Phillip had just hit the reject God, leave hoer than Texas He was the outcast son, unable to join the hymns on the porch

And

When Phillip wanted hand jobs instead of fucking and I couldn't do it and I couldn't do it and I couldn't do it, and when I wanted to suck his cock and he wouldn't let me wouldn't let me wouldn't let me, we met our wounds in each other's bodies Guilt in the forry girl becaht he finally letto ”Coot too high In iven I don't knohy But once I'd turned hio withup in the snow A still shot of drunken rage looking down on gentle beauty Well, I went a little wacko, which used to happen a lot back then, and I started a fight with hi at the top of his head and thinking look, it's an angel, and ht was, spit on his head I told you, I don't knohy Why did I eat paper as I kid when I was scared? My panties were sopping andand it was cold and hot at the same time and it was so beautiful there in the snow and flat and quiet and music

So I went in for the kill I mean I snatched it out of the cold dark air as easily as he pulled songs froe and vodka breath and hurled it down at the top of his unsuspecting head until his neck nearly snapped The o out their ouch on everyone they irls

And we argued - or I did anyway - Phillip sort of ducked and growled - all the way to the car, a puke yellow beater , and I kept it up inside the car, and he was having to drive with therolled down because ere too broke to get the windshi+eld wipers fixed and it was snowing In between trying to defend himself he had his head in and out of theto see the road, but that didn't stop er and hornier and e and trespass in my voice and hands, in my very skin

Phillip Which means lover of horses Or brotherhood His voice was never

That's when it happened

At the crescendo of asm

He fell asleep

The car sort of slowed and made a liently forward onto the steering wheel

I re at hi - really seeing - how GoddaeredI could never, ever keep a boy like that because the shear velocity ofas sad as a girl ill never have a boy like that could feel crying a longus downand then snapping out of it and yelling at the top of s ”WAKE UP MOTHERfuckER ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! YOU fuckING FELL ASLEEP YOU COULD HAVE KILLED US!”

Then I leapt out of the car and slaer's snow house inthud-footed how you do in snow and kind of crying so thatand reaching insideback at hion, sleeping, or was he singing

That's a great line, isn't it

That's a great ending

But lives aren't Jairls like o away

I didn't break up with hiht