Part 7 (2/2)
I have been called to the Job Centre on Friday to explain why I filled in a for that I am not available for work and that I would like to continue to clai my case I have written a manifesto Its main thrust is that society should support its artists Its concluding paragraph states: ”How tragic would be the loss to the nation if a great work of mine were to re on as an assistant warehouse”
Tuesday, September 19 At 1pm, I was contacted on myand start queueing for petrol now!” As I scrahbours in the street A convoy, stretching 30 cars long, soon fore, ereand had a police escort Moha the convoy on to the forecourt He was just about to take his wife panic buying in Iceland - she had heard that toddler-sized disposable Pahtly ashaht up in the hysteria, but I need my car I'm too sensitive to be a full-ti public are unpredictable, their voices are loud and their tempers are uncertain I feel safer in my car with my Abba tapes and Radio 4
Friday, September 22 I presented myself at the Job Centre at the appointed tih to an interview suite by a personable young woman called Jane Doxy She was neatly turned out in a navy skirt suit and a white shi+rt The outfit would, in h heels, but no doubt Jane enjoyed the coht to take a copy of the Guardian with ent and literate person Though, when I saw the Daily Mail in her bag, I wondered if I had done the right thing
She had read reat interest, she said However, she (and the departovern aveThe first was that of Eddie's Tea Bar Eddie himself answered The job was assistant caterer in Eddie's cafe, which was a trailer parked in a lay-by next to the cerowled, ”You'd be doin' all sorts, fryin' burgers, changin' the Calor Gas bottle, 'n' stuff like that, for PS360 an hour” Under the watchful eye of Jane Doxy, I then rang the second nuentle pensioner called Mrs Banbury-Pryce answered, and said that she needed sos out twice a day for a walk I start at Eddie's on Monday I just knew that, withMrs Banbury-Pryce with the fastenings on her corset and cutting her toenails
Sunday, September 24 Woke at 5pm to find that a ss barked, but tragically for the local media nobody was killed
Monday, October 2, Eddie's Tea Bar, Ce on a white plastic chair, writing on apicnic table I am surrounded by lorry drivers and motorists It is only 1130am, but I ah, to be strictly honest, and at the risk of being labelled ”pedant”, I did sit down in the car during the journey here)
Eddie and his third wife, Sandra, were already here and the urn arriddle Eddie and Sandra seeh their bloodstreaed with it Eddie said to e wrap-around apron, ”You'll never shake off the stink of the fat, lad It et a woman outside the trade” All Eddies wives have been in the frying business, apparently I reassured hi a woman at the moment, and told him that I was due to start a course at the adult education centre in Leicester called Living Without A Partner He looked at ly, and asked quietly whether I had ”So under yer clothes”
I reassured Eddie that I was made as other men were made, but that my heart had been broken a few times recently and needed ti bacon slices and said, ”I get bad headaches if I don't have a bit of sausage-hiding once a day, don't I Sandra?”
Sandra tucked a strand of oily hair behind an ear and said, ”'E was on a box of Nurofen every 24 hours when I went in the General to have azed into the middle distance where the lorries were parked, obviously re-living the horrors of sexual deprivation
I phoned one this et up and co asleep at the wheel” I pointed out to her that day nurseries don't open until 7aed her to continue She said bitterly, ”I blarandrandkids, eh? I've already served my sentence with you and your sister”
Shesound a joyless business I asked how her new husband, Ivan, was doing in the s technological,” she said ”A ht a patient's birthday cake and Ivan had to be sedated” I wondered if Ivan ”techno” Braithwaite would be capable ever again of coping with the modern world
Tuesday, October 3, Ashby-de-la-Zouch DH Lawrence,with his hands and reputedly took a pride in his ja I, too, have discovered the small joys of manual labour I like to think that DH would have been proud ofsandwich to our first custo an Eddie sobrt lorry full of h I say it myself, Les's sandas a work of art The bacon was succulent, the egg was cooked sensitively, so as to prevent yolk leakage, and the bread was as white and soft as a newly-hatched ot I was quietly pleased when Les pronounced it to be ”cha about the necessity of hauling mineral water from Liskeard to Dundee Scotland is aith the stuff
Saturday, October 7 Living Without A Partner has been cancelled I was the only one to turn up
Thursday, October 5, Eddie's Tea Bar, the Ceiven oes to the cash-and-carry and buys catering packs of bacon, beefburgers, white sliced bread, ketchup, etc, and then uses redients into food items that sell for 200 profit Eddie does not have a computerised till His is strictly a cash business There is a notice on the trailer wall next to the peeling Samantha Fox poster: ”Please do not ask for a receipt, as refusal often offends”
He keeps the coins in an old Cadbury's Luxury Biscuits tin It offends ether, but it works well enough Banknotes are kept in Eddie's apron pocket I suspect that Eddie pays little tax or VAT, though he is vociferous enough on the subject of social security cheats ”They should be took to a island somewhere in the North Sea an' left to fend for theh,” he added coive 'em a packet of seeds an' a spade”
Eddie's biscuit tin is the proletarian equivalent of a Cayman Islands tax shelter All it lacks is financial advisers and accountants Eddie's wife does his ”books” while watching the omnibus edition of EastEnders It's a weekly ritual, apparently
The lorry drivers provide another facet of globalisation Soes to Bolton, England Others have taken gerbil food froo of Haian carrots, which they've dropped off at a warehouse in Stowmarket, Suffolk This is madness
As I serve each trucker, Ias to his ultimate destination and the nature of his load I have thus come to the conclusion that capitalism is no way to run the world's economy - it is inefficient and it exploits workers such as uriddle clean with a spatula He profoundly disagreed with my analysis and said, ”If you carry on shoutin' for revolution, Moley, you'll find yerself outta a job so far yer stupid Birkenstock shoes won't touch the bleedin' ground”
Friday, October 6 William and Glenn are both away fro Eddie on his mobile and told him that I wouldn't be in today, as I would be preoccupied with banishi+ng the nits from ht scratching our soddin' bonces as if they was scratchcards You should examine yer own 'ead, Mole”
Glenn and Willialepoise lamp on to my head There were so many nits in my hair that Glenn said, ”You could fill Weland-Gerroup frolish historical rass back to paste into his project folder Though, as the headmaster said in his email to , and if evidence is found of head lice or their progeny, in the fors, he will NOT be allowed to board the coach to Weh Glenn's hair with a fine-tooth comb Eventually, at 330am, I cracked and shaved his head I used five disposable razors He looks decidedly thuggish, but at least he was allowed on to the coach
Saturday, October 7 Glenn returned victorious with a plastic seat, a square foot of turf and one of Kevin Keegan's chewed-up finger-nails The boy will go far
Sunday, October 15, Ashby-de-la-Zouch Pandora rang ht my advice on whether or not she should confess to have s land,” she snapped ”You're a perfect barometer of public opinion” I resented her impication that I was a dull provincial, but at the sa sought I advised her to keep quiet in the , and warned that a confession would al the next-but-one priht, Aidy, I must keep the Daily Mail on my side”
Monday, October 16 The shadow of headlice infestation continues to fall across our house What more can I do to exterminate the vile creatures? My mother went to the hairdresser's on Saturday, and her stylist, Sebastian, fled in horror to the colourat the nape of her neck She is furious with me, and claims she hasn't been so humiliated since the wire froister office when she married Ivan Braithwaite Even eneral hospital, has nits What is going on? I told Glenn that I suspect foul play: ”It's obvious that a foreign power, possibly Iran, has introduced a virulent form of nits into this country in an attempt to demoralise the population and destabilise the pound” Glenn shook his head in a pitying way and said, ”Go an' lie down, Dad, an' put a wet towel on yer 'ead”
Tuesday, October 17 I read the following article in the Independent today: ”Dr Pandora Braithwaite, the junior ht intervieith Jere her time at Oxford To a direct question posed by Paxman, 'Have you or have you not smoked dope?' Braithwaite smiled and answered, 'Have you, Jeremy?' ”Paxman snapped, 'I'm not here to answer the questions, minister, you are' Braithwaite said, 'Okay, yes, I did, we all did What's h the work'” I now predict terrible things for my love Her position as a minister of the crown is surely untenable
Wednesday, October 18 The whole country is talking about Pandora According to a report in the Guardian, the demand for cannabis in Oxford has skyrocketed
Thursday, October 19 I returned to work at Eddie's Tea Bar today, and couldn't help but notice thattheir heads Are the nits being transported throughout Europe? How long will it be before they have taken over the world? At 7pm, Glenn phoned my mother, and told her to come round quickly I explainedfor an hour and a half, she sent for Dr Wong
Friday, October 20 I a prescribed Prozac and a course of aro from stress I told hi Though I heardit: ”He was a very happy little boy,” she told the doctor ”Until he got older and started reading Dostoevsky and that bleddy Kafka!” Pandora has sent ested that I recuperate by reading Lord Archer of Weston-Super-Mare's latest volu news that, far froly tipped for promotion
Saturday, October 21, Ashby-de-la-Zouch
Last week Pandora was clis of the snakes and ladders of life This week she is sliding down a python's back (so to speak) The papers today are full of pictures of her cat, Maurice, who had to be rescued by the RSPCA on Thursday night after neighbours heard piteousfrom Pandora's flat in Pi mission with Keith Allen in Ayia Napa at the time of the cat's rescue An RSPCA spokesperson said: ”Dr Pandora Braithwaite lect and cruelty of an animal Maurice had not been fed for five days and was in an emaciated condition”
I phoned Pandora's mother, Tanya, for the inside story and she toldbowl had developed a fault and had refused to open up and feed the ravenous beast Some of the headlines were harsh: ”Pan's pet starved alone”, ”Drug MP's cat horror”, and ”Pan's pussy shock”
In land, I rang the House of Commons to offer my help Unfortunately, she was not able to take ency talks with Alastair Cael Hetherington, ”Tell her to el said: ”How very, very original Thank you for your extremely naff idea, Moley”
It still rankles with ht-hand rees - in ement, business and fashi+on - but I feel that he lacks a certain je ne sais quoi I a with the le's poetry correspondent (unpaid) until the editor was sacked for gross subordination (throwing an empty vodka bottle at the proprietor) Unfortunately, the new editor was obsessed with sport and turned my weekly column into a Spot The Ball competition, to the detriment, in my opinion, of Ashby-de-la-Zouch's cultural landscape Willia attention
Sunday, October 22
Millbank released a photograph of Pandora and Maurice today together with a conde for an enquiry into their reliability She has vowed to use a cat-sitter in future When asked about her relationshi+p with Keith Allen, she said: ”Mr Allen and I were in Ayia Napa on a fact-findingof the British Consulate by penniless British youngsters de their airfare hohauns How long will it be before Ashby-de-la-Zouch rings to the sound of the Kalashnikov? Surely we are on a slippery slope
Tuesday, October 24
Eddie rang today to complain that I haven't turned up for work I explained abouthalf-terive a toss about yer private life, Mole” This is typical of Britain's and Eddie's attitude towards children It's no wonder that three of Eddie's offspring are currently enjoying custodial sentences and that one, Shane, is dancing with the Royal Ballet Glenn has begged to be in charge of cooking in future I was happy to pass on the Mole apron I hadn't realised that he was interested in the culinary arts