Part 7 (1/2)
Incidentally, I hope Mel has been kicked out of Big Brother by the time you read this Her motives are so transparent: she obviously intends to set up a chain of e parlours across the nation Markon every high street
1pm Glenn has just been down and shownthe boy could hardly read when he was 13 He said he would have done better if it hadn't been for the girls in his class distracting hiood behaviour and hard work I sympathised: my own academic ability plummeted when Pandora Braithwaite joined ht swelling under her school blouse and put theot poor GCSE results She has ruined my life
Saturday 26, Plot 49, Pinewood Caravan Site, Wells-Next-The-Sea Glenn's ro promised” to her second cousin, a lad called Eli, orks on the whelks and cockle store on the quay Things are certainly feudal down here They are but simple folk - untouched by the sophisticated outside world It is iet a Leicester Mercury Willia a pit in which to bury me ”until you're dead day” Does he harbour subconscious patricidal desires? I don't think I'll risk getting into his pit
Sunday 27, The Caravan I have been consuht is taken up with finding asuspected that I hwhen flamenco is played) However, it is not a traditional barrel-shaped horse drawn caravan I lust for
Specifically, it is a Willerby Westlazed six-berth, with e I have worked out that it would just about fit into arden So, for PS18,999, I could have the best of both worlds: coether with baby-sitting services only five yards away Why didn't I think of it before?
I have obtained the services of an independent financial adviser, a very nice hton He is nickna creature of that na honeymoon in Australia with his fourth wife I asked him to help me raise the finance for my Willerby Westmorland Terry said no probs, but asked me to send him a cheque for PS500 as a returnable deposit for his services I won't tell my mother about the caravan just yet It will be a lovely surprise for her
Sunday, September 3, Arthur Askey Walk, Ashby-de-la-Zouch, Leicestershi+re Can you trust anybody nowadays? My financial adviser Terry ”The Shark” Brighton has been arrested by the fraud squad Apparently, he has been operating a caravan finance scaoodbye toit on , ”I don't want trailer trash living on my doorstep”, but I could have talked her round, in ti lyric, I've got to get out of this place if it's the last thing I ever do The Ludlows next door are going through a period of oes by without a violent arguainst the party wall I feel sorry for poor Vince Peggy is a fearsome woman when she is roused
Monday, September 4 The autumn ter that his school unifor for hi to try it on in the shop But I round and h he is a double a for sanctuary He told hter's best friend, Mandy Trotter
”She bleedin' flung herself at ot me zip undone before I could stop 'er,” he whined ”What was I s'posed to do?”
Glen pointed Mandy Trotter out tothe lower shelves She is only four feet eleven inches tall and, though obviously over the age of consent, she looks like an eht very hard to keep her off his zip
Tuesday, Septeive her side of the story Apparently, Mandy Trotter is pregnant with Vince's child ”What's he see in that skinny slag?” she asked Herfishnetted legs were crossing and uncrossing as she sat atash on my vinyl tiles I was speechless with desire for her
It's time I found a sexual partner: a non-neurotic, childless, non-s Eddie Stobart lorries and houseould be ideal Is it too much to ask that I should be allowed a little happiness?
Wednesday, Septe on the Today progra about his ethical foreign policy However, he now gabbles his words and speaks at such a rate of knots that it is iehts as a British voter Does Gaynor understand a word he says lately, or has she long-stopped listening to her wee bearded elf of a husband?
Thursday, September 7 Ivan Braithwaite has been sectioned under the Mental Health Act! It took four policeet him in the ambulance His mind snapped when his laptop, his printer, his fax, his three phones, his television, his radio and his pager were all switched on at once relaying different information
When my mother came into his workspace and said, ”Ivan, do you want to know so the place up
Robin Cook should take warning
Saturday, September 9, Arthur Askey Walk, Ashby-de-la-Zouch
There are noo male members of our fa, and he is now the subject of a controlled trial He's in an isolation unit Quite honestly, this has co is strictly forbidden It is possible to observe hi seven edover the Sun crossword
Ivan Braithwaite has also been forbidden visitors The psychiatric nurse in charge of him, a certain Steve Harper, said, ”Ivan needs a break from the family dynamic” The family dynamic in question,outside the locked ward telling anybody ill listen that it is ”an overload of infory that caused Ivan's breakdown” He'd processed 300 emails only half-an-hour before he cracked, she told y is to blame for rande the brain, but since upgrading to a superior wattage I have noticed a diminution of brain power It took me more than an hour to remember whether it was Shakespeare rote, ”He that sleeps feels not the toothache”, or Sir Walter Raleigh I spoke these words at 4aot an abscess However, he didn't sleep but kept roans of pain It was just our luck not to have a single painkilling tablet in the house
Sunday, Septeency chemist and asked for Paracetemol The chemist, a child of 10, asked me if I intended to kill myself I assured her that I didn't, and she handed over the pills I tried to buy petrol today, but the queues were too long and there was a fight on the forecourt Why?
Monday, Septee refused to sellWe were at school together, and our relationshi+p has deepened in friendshi+p overyears, yet he refused to help et William to school? There is no convenient public transport, and the journey is al my MP, Pandora Braithwaite, to complain about the fuel crisis She reether we used to walk aComprehensive School I reminded her that, ”This is the year 2000, where paedophiles stalk the avenues and cul-de-sacs”
She said scornfully, ”You've obviously forgotten that sweetshop keeper who used to pretend his trousers had fallen doe innocently asked for a gobstopper” I asked her why she was in such a bad mood She said, ”On the contrary, I'm in an excellent mood I'm relieved that I'm not mentioned in Andrensley's book, Servants Of The People I was sure he was going to use that story about me and Mo and Gordon Brown in that hotel service lift at Bournemouth”
Thursday, September 14 Glenn has come home from school with a homework project about third world poverty I took him to the library on the estate on a search for infores” I rang ht round some statistics she'd found on the internet I was shocked to realise thatin third world poverty for the past two years
Glenn is relieved: he was planning to do his project on Bangladesh, but now, as he says, ”All I have to do is go walkin' round the streets talkin' to people, Dad”
Thursday, September 14, Arthur Askey Walk, Ashby-de-la-Zouch Sofriendshi+p! Mohah I had pushed the Montego to his garage to save what little fuel I had I reround at Neil Ar ra too many Walker's crisps ”I don't remember you stickin' up for me, Moley,” Mohammed said as he directed a midwife towards a puo on a bullying-awareness course at the Off The Streets youth club ”That didn't stop ers bent back,” he said sadly
My mother drove up on the forecourt and joined the queue of essential users ”On what grounds are you an essential user?” I asked ”Have you joined one of the eency services since I saw you last?”
”As a matter of fact, I have, in a way,” she said ”I pro ward at Ivan'sto put the visitors' flowers in”
I wondered how she would convince Mohaitio to the front of the queue and was served by Mohammed himself!
Ithe time I directed Mohaave hi role ”Yeah, yeah, and I'm still in trouble with some of the community elders 15 years later,” he said ”I said I'd be in trouble if I played Jesus as a heroin addict”
”You had free will, Mohamoing through a bad time Your parents were splittin' up, so I dun it to help you out”
As I pushed e for so long A grudge so powerful that it influenced his judgment when it came to petrol distribution
Saturday, Septe a house in the Suffolk countryside so she can escape from her constituents It is called Oakley Park, in Hoxne village I looked the property up on the net, and was alarmed to discover that it was the scene of a macabre double murder in 1777, when Sir Frederick Bro discovered his wife Felicity in bed with Fergus Bellington, a young groo the ter in a sexual act behind the clock over the arched entranceway As ht struck, Sir Frederick, tormented by jealousy, chopped them into bite-sized pieces with his sword (”It was e much blunted be ye bones”) The pieces were then fed to the pigs I warned Pandora that there was a curse on the house, and that anybody with the initials FB came to a bad end if they so much as stepped foot into the courtyard
”For God's sake,” she said, ”what are you drivelling on about? My initials are PLEB” She then went into a tirade saying that idiots were clogging up the internet with uninteresting and unnecessary information
Sunday, September 17 Battle of Britain Day: Radio 4 was do this important historical occasion Why does the C of E allow such very terrible music to be played in its name? And why do church officials speak in such unnatural voices like aliens?
Radio 4 should have played the soundtrack of that Douglas Bader Story It would have given joy to many
Monday, September 18, Arthur Askey Walk, Ashby-de-la-Zouch Life is dull after the excite a little panic buying of bottled water, granulated sugar, breadcan compare with last week's frenzy, when, for a few moments, I truly believed that civilisation was at an end and that ould be back to driving a pony and trap