Part 6 (2/2)
My old-ri class I read the Guardian and buy coffee beans now, or hadn't you noticed?”
Thursday The sun ca-me-slow sunhat I saw my mother wince when he put it on, but she kept her ned interest in a stick of rock shaped like a penis
Friday, Queen Mother's birthday Barry and Yvonne have decorated the dining roo The little table where the condiments are normally kept has been turned into a shrine to the Queen Mother Two candles burn either side of a lurid photograph of the aged one
Barry e at the Palladiu I'd been waiting,” he said, his sobry lips tre with e, ma'am,” he said, and almost broke down
Unfortunately, Glen knocked over one of the candles at dinner tiraph I threw a cup of tea over it, but the dae was considerable We have been asked to leave Proof, perhaps, that there is a God
Saturday, Utopia Boarding Ouse, Skegness I've finished packing Barry Windermere has just wheezed up to the attic to dee Glenn did (inadvertently) to the Queen Mother's photograph I refused to give hiuarded candles is a contravention of the 1981 Hotels & Boarding House Act He believed this ridiculous lie, and scuttled back down the dark stairs with the stained carpet
The rest of the family have voted to continue the holiday elsewhere I was the only one who voted to return ho Brother (Incidentally, that Nicholas is a great bloke, I hope he wins) Sunday, Plot 8, Sunny Sands Caravan Site, Hunstanton There are seven of us squeezed into a six-berth caravan Rosie and Mad Dog Jackson arrived last night on his Harley-Davidson I refuse to call hi to be seen in his greasy, denih up in the hell's Angels hierarchy” She astounds hter, I would lock her away in a tall tower until she had woken up from the spell that Jackson has cast over her
My whole fa on to his every word It is now Glenn's ambition to be inducted into the Ashby-de-la-Zouch Chapter of the hell's Angels Apparently, there are six of the in a maisonette in Rosebud Drive The induction cere upside down from a tree I said to Glenn that I had other plans for him That he is to study the history of art at a decent university Glenn o My nerves are in shreds I couldn't face another acrimonious confrontation
The caravan is too confined I can hear everything through the plyalls I overheard ht, ”Ivan, why are we all cramped up in a caravan in Hunstanton e can easily afford to stay in a decent Aparthotel with free watersports so way that makes me want to rip his smarmy head off his hairy shoulders and said, ”Pauline, you're in denial about your working-class heritage I' this for you I want you to rediscover your roots”
My mother snapped that she had spentto better herself and hoped to be lower-middle class by the time she was 55, andtheir bed in the kitchen (it doubles as a work-top and ironing board during the day) I was glad that their ardour was cooling I was sick of having to listen to their pathetic atte trouble with his prostate Fortunately, Mad Dog and Rosie are sleeping outside under the awning extension on a double Therone into Norwich to have a drink with Professor Malcol work out of hi Jackson work? Has the notoriously gentle academic been threatened and intimidated? It would explain why that rees
Thursday I took the boys to Wells-next-the-Sea today As we strolled up the crowdedwith interest at a tray of tripe in a butcher's shop”It don't look too bad, Dad,” he said ”I could get that downRoast-On-The-Beach has been cancelled due to the unreliability of English pigs
Friday, August 18, Ashby-de-la-Zouch I have been brutally betrayed! I feel humiliated and sick! How could he have told such terrible lies to me over the past five weeks?
I admired him so much He was the type of man I would have liked to have been myself He was awife in a car crash) A man who led other men (an officer in the Territorial Army) He was also a healer (like Jesus), and a reiki le with hardly a qualm So confident was I that he would win the PS70,000 that I withdrew PS50 fro loss of interest) and placed a personal bet with lee that my father phoned me at 445puishi+ng with several NHS-bred infections, to tell me that my hero was about to be evicted from the House
I didn't believe my father at first, diary He once told me that I had won PS7 million on the lottery This costthe Lotus Flower home-delivery service and ordered the banquet special for six On discovering my father's cruel joke, I tried to cancel the order, but ended up having an angry confrontation on the doorstep with Mr Wong, ouldn't get back on his moped without the PS9621 he insisted that I owed hion the net, I knew it 's dental lisp quite clearly down the phone The Ludlows ca news, and Vince said, ”It's a bleedin' triuy Ludlow said she'd always thought Nick was Tiuise in order to avoid playing tennis
I couldn't sleep last night Do all my heroes have feet of clay? I have only recently recovered from Mr Aitken's downfall I pray that Lord Hattersley will not be unmasked as the secret author of Mills and Boon romances, or that Will Self will not be revealed as a committee member of the Caravan Club of Great Britain
Saturday, August 19 I said to Glenn today, ”Glenn, you will always remember where you hen you heard that Nick had been expelled from the House”
He looked back at me and said, ”Course I will, Dad - I atchin' it on the telly”
”You were taking part in history,” I said
”What, like the second world war?” he asked doubtfully
”No, more like the day Beckham had his hair cut,” I said
”You're mixin' up popular history with proper history, Dad”, said Glenn
Chastened, I went to my bedroom to start the third chapter of Sty! (Swine fever has wiped out the entire pig population of Britain, apart from Peter, , instead
My father rang thisand insisted that I honour the bet! Personally, I think it was a great mistake to provide hospital patients with bedside telephones They give their long-suffering relations no peace with their incessant, peevish deust 21 The Last Pig: Peter watched from the sty as the 4x4 drew up by the coe froreet the Sky News crew ”Where's the last pig in Britain?” shouted a researcher Peter rolled in theto be famous
Thursday 24, Ashby-de-la-Zouch, Leicestershi+re Glenn has been upstairs for an hour with the unopened envelope with contains his GCSE results
I can hear hi to himself as I write this diary entry The tension in the house is unbelievable I have pro over a D He has fallen in love with a girl called Courtney, orks in French's fish and chip shop on the West Quay The lad is certainly a quick mover We were only in Wells for an hour-and-a-half Apparently they bonded when Glenn knocked a tub of curry sauce off the counter
She called him a stupid wanker and that was it They swapped e-mail addresses and have been in constant contact since I am a little hurt that Glenn told me none of this and that I had to hear his news from my mother Why doesn't the boy trust me with the secrets of his heart I am his father, after all Even David Archer has started to confide in Phil, since Ruth's chemotherapy treatment commenced