Part 2 (1/2)
”The last bloke what lived in your 'ousehimself from that tree,” she said with obvious relish I went back inside and phoned the ho's voice an iel caazer lilies As he handed the out, Moley”
After I had veheel said, ”Well, I was told by a council worker that you had claile father You're obviously in denial”
He and his partner, Cliff, have planned a ”co out” dinner party for me ”It'll just be a few close friends,” he said ”Cliff's doing the Naked Chef's aubergine-and-pasta bake” I told hiines, and he snatched the lilies back and left A pity He is my best, indeed only, friend and I need to confess to soy Ludlow
Saturday, February 19 Glenn'sthe result of the Livingstone, Dobson, Jackson nant! I heard the row through the party-wall Peggy screamed, ”Why din't you take precautions, you stupid mare?” Clorette screamed back ”Tony an' Cherie slipped up, an' they're both brain-boxes, so shurrup, our ood exa, contraception wise
Sunday, February 20 Glenn is in despair over histhe Electoral College results into his calculator ”It don't es, I still can't work out how Mr Dobson won” I wrote a note to the school saying that the boy had tried his best
Sunday, February 20, Arthur Askey Way (Continued) Nigel rang and apologised for his faux pas about ht, saying Cliff, his partner, was longing to meet uest, a gay head a clandestine affair with his school caretaker, who broke it off when he heard his head for the retention of Clause 28
Glenn was visiting his mother's, so I took Willia the door to their loft apartside the canal, Cliff said, ”This is a kiddiewinkie-free zone, stranger” I said, ”I'm Adrian Mole, and this is William” Cliff said, ”This is not a child-friendly household, we have objets d'art and white slip covers ” Nigel hurried across the industrial flooring to greet us ”Don't mind Cliff, Aidy, he's famously rude” Cliff smirked, and went to a stainless-steel kitchen area, where he began to throhiskery prawns into a batter and then into a s wok
The headmaster arrived and proceeded to yak on in tedious detail about his bust-up with the caretaker I tried to change the conversation by asking Nigel about his new job as a feng-shui adviser, but the odious Cliff interrupted me: ”We have a house rule, Mole, no work talk at la table ”
It was the first tilishman William eyed the sushi+ with alarm and whispered, ”Please, Dad, can I have a bowl of Coco Pops” The headoings-on in the boiler room to lecture William on the perils of E numbers in breakfast cereals I left soon after I had initiated an argument about the prawn tempura I told Cliff that he should have cooked it at the lastto keep it warm on a hostess trolley for 20 ot hoy Ludlow had called round to borrow soy earing He said, ”A leopardskin” I said, ”A leopardskin what ? He said, ”Just a leopardskin, dad” I slept fitfully Why am I sexually attracted to such a common woman?
Monday, February 21 The BBC Drama Department has finally returned the script of my serial killer comedy, The White Van The letter said, ”This department is not minded to produce a 12-part series about a serial killer who uses a white van for his nefarious activities Especially as this is Mr Williaue's chosen n
Tuesday, February 22 Nigel is living here temporarily He and Cliff are finished It seems the prawn tempura roent on after I left and continued non-stop for al To coel whined, ”But I lurve him,” like one of those pathetic trailer-trash er Show
Wednesday, February 23 Pa from the Homeless Unit called unexpectedly this afternoon She said that an anony me as a heterosexual who'd lied about my sexuality in order to procure a council house Fortunately, I was half-way through bleaching Nigel's roots at the tiised and left
Sunday, February 27 Leicester won the Worthington Cup today Glenn said, ”Dad, I ain't never been so 'appy” For once, I didn't correct the boy's grammar
Monday, February 28, 2000, Arthur Askey Way Glenn returned home from school today with a letter from his physical education teacher, Mr Lunt It said: ”Dear Mr Mole, Glenn gave h it is not written in Glenn's handwriting, I feel sure that it is not written in yours either”
I read the enclosed ill-written note It said: ”Dear Mr Lunt, soot a ter it is only a matter of time he dous not no so dont tell hi as it mite set him off yours sinserly Mr Mole”
Glenn broke down and admitted that he had persuaded his mother, Sharon Bott, to write the note He said,”I 'ate cross-country runnin', Dad We 'ave to wear shorts an' run through villages an' the villagers laugh an' call s”
I confronted Sharon in her chaotic kitchen, where she was defrosting chicken korma for the kids' tea Not for the first time, I was appalled that I had once enjoyed sexual relations with this woman She now makes Moby dick look dainty
As she prised the lids off the foil containers, she whined, ”I've gotta soft heart, Aidy, I don't like to think of our Glenn 'aving the piss took out of him”
I asked her not to interfere in Glenn's education in future She said, ”I aenes”
I said, ”Yes, the graenes, unfortunately” As I was leaving, she said, ”I still love you to bits, Aidy” I pretended not to hear her I wrote Mr Lunt the following reply: ”Dear Mr Lunt, My own adolescence was made a torment by taunts about my acned complexion Glenn has a sis Will you please allow Glenn to wear tracksuit trousers on his next cross-country run, or change the route and stick to unpopulated fields and lanes in future, thus avoiding the taunts of ignorant fox-killing, songbird-culling, hedge-re country dwellers I remain Sir, AA Mole”
Tuesday, February 29 Leap Day A letter from the Rt Hon Neil Kinnock! Whom I met once when I was the offal chef in Hoi Polloi, the Soho restaurant before it was reopened as the Oxygen Bar, H2O
The letter said: ”Dear Mr Mole, I have great pleasure in enclosing your invitation to the Labour Party Centenary Dinner on Monday, April 10, 2000 I will be hosting the evening, and I auest of honour
”As you ret therefore that I ae except to say that it will be at a central London hotel”
I obviouslyimpression on Mr Kinnock He must have truly enjoyed his sheep's testicle in blackcurrant coulis
830pm Sharon Bott has just left this house in tears She arrived uninvited at 730 in a taxi She produced a bottle of Safeway's Cava, then got down on one huge knee and asked me to marry her I turned her down Glenn was disappointed He said, ”I would 'ave bin the only one in our class to 'ave a ether”
Wednesday, March 1 A terse reply fro of tracksuit trousers is prohibited during cross-country runs Best wishes, Mr Lunt PS As a country dweller, I find your remarks about country folk extremely offensive”
Friday, March 3 My mother has just pointed to the small print at the bottom of my Centenary Dinner invitation The tickets cost PS600 I have made an optician's appointment
Sunday, March, 5, 2000, Arthur Askey Way I spent the day debating with ht the tracksuit-trousers ban on Glenn's behalf or should I give in, thus subjecting the lad tocross-country runs and possible trauht the opinion of others My father reone out on a liainst the tyrannical head red socks to school, thereby defying the black-socks-only rule My mother said, ”Give in, Aidy - you can't beat Jack Straw's authoritarian regi my MP, Pandora Braithwaite, who had joined o She said, ”Can't talk now, darling, I've got Ken and Frank round for dinner, and I'oat's cheese” So, it is as I suspected all along! Ken Livingstone and Frank Dobson are hand-in-glove with each other Their true enemy is Tony Blair They have conspired to h he can't control his party
After Glenn had gone to bed, I wrote to his header Patience: Dear Mr Patience, My son, Glenn Bott, has abnors, of which he is very self-conscious In the circumstances, would you please make an exception to your PE-shorts-only rule and allow hi cross-country runs
Yours, A A Mole Tuesday, March 7, Shrove Tuesday Peggy Ludlow cas,pan and oil I said, sarcastically, ”Wouldn't it be sireed, and the whole Ludlow fa Jerry Springer while I tossed in the kitchen until
Vince Ludlow doesn't seeed-out in designer clothes Peggy continues to invadea snakeskin sleeveless shi+ft dress It was the first time I'd seen her upper ar a depiction of Jeremy Paxht, she said that she had asked for Jere the tattooist
Wednesday, March 8, Ash Wednesday MyDay party to celebrate her proposed new status as a non-shtly late, at 730 She answered the door looking irritable: ”You'vecerearden, surrounded by faed face Ivan then ceremoniously applied a nicotine patch to her upper-arm When I strolled back into the house, it didn't seem the same without its perpetual pall of s the tracksuit trousers
Thursday, March 9 A telephone call froer Patience can now be reached only on the following e-mail address: Friday, March 10 I called on arette and both wearing nicotine and chewing it She begged me not to tell Ivan
Saturday, March 11 I went to see Pandora at the ceremony to close down the couests were Ken Dodd and Frank Skinner - a griht, then