Part 1 (1/2)
The Lost Diaries of Adrian Mole
Sue Townsend
Adrian Mole: the secret diary of a provincial26-11-1999 to 24-11-2001
In Guardian from 4-12-1999 to 24-1-2001
Friday, November 26, 1999, 230pm Wisteria Walk, Ashby-De-La-Zouch, Leicestershi+re I have not kept a diary since fire destroyed s The arsonist, Eleanor Flood, is residing in a secure unit, where she is doing an MA Her dissertation is entitled The Phoenix - Myth Or Metaphor? I know, because she writes to me occasionally
I have protested to the authorities, but they are powerless to stop her letters, which are obviously being sht, listening to the breathing of my sons, William and Glenn, in their bunk-beds only inches away from my head, I often think of Eleanor Flood, and envy her At least she has a room of her own, and time in which to think and write
11p down the side of Debenhaht on his way to his Grotto Willia rope, but Glenn kept looking around anxiously at the crowd of onlookers He said, ”If anybody from school sees rotto was at least 70 deep It snaked through Toys into Bed Linens and Small Electrical Appliances To placate us, Debenhams played Sir Cliff Richard's rendition of the Lord's Prayer, sung to the tune of Auld Lang Syne An old ht in torld wars so that Cliff Richard could line his pockets by exploiting the Lord's Prayer”
A Scotsman behind hi Syne”
I left the boys in the queue, and went to Boots to buy some Nurofen and a packet of Starburst (I ah the Foxhunter Shopping Centre, I passed a fat elf sive me, but are you one of Santa's little helpers?” He scowled and said, ”I'm on my break Whadja want?”
I explained about the queue in Debenha Glenn's Attention-Deficit Syndrome On our way back to the queue, the fat elf explained that he'd just been sacked froer at NatWest He said elf as harder than it looked - cheeriness didn't come easily to him I syht,” he said I looked at his weak eyes and his beer gut spilling over his green tights, and gave him a false telephone nu, ”Make way, ic family” The queue parted with much speculation as to which of the three of us was ter off, and he'd made no attempt to hide his Reebok trainers However, William was sufficiently deceived and asked for a Barbie Hairdressing Salon
Saturday, November 27, 1999 Wisteria Walk, Ashby-De-La-Zouch, Leicestershi+re My motherthe Elizabeth Taylor of Ashby-De-La-Zouch Unfortunately, her bridegrooht-school creative-writing teacher to write a ”e service” I had to look ahen he turned to my mother and vowed, ”Pauline, my soon-to-be wife, I swear to love you emotionally, spiritually and physically, forever, plus one more day”
When my mother replied, ”Ivan, my soon-to-be husband, I swear to be supportive of your life choices, aware of your hidden vulnerability, and fully cognisant of your sexual needs”, I alistrar's office My ue hat-feather stuck down her throat and had a choking fit Does this e invalid? I hope so
2am Work on my serial-killer co nicely It could be a feather in Mr dyke's cap
Wednesday, December 1, 1999 Wisteria Walk, Ashby-de-la-Zouch, Leicestershi+re
I found a tin of Whopper Hot Dogs in e; re me so to wash her bed-linen as a surprise for when she returned from her honeymoon in Pompeii But in the circuht and plumped up the pillows
Thursday, Deceot to see the new GP, Dr Ng I asked hi in Soho, whom I occasionally consulted He said no I said I was surprised, as Ng was an unusual name For some reason, he took offence at this and snapped, ”There are s in the world”
I sensed that I had coed the subject to that of my health I explained that, for some five years, I have needed to consume at least five packets of Opal Fruits a day He furrowed his brow ”Opal Fruits?” he checked
”They've since changed the name to Starburst,” I said, unable to keep the bitterness out of my voice I told him about the panic attack I had recently when I discovered there were no Opal Fruits in the house Of how I had walked to the BP garage in the rain at 3am to buy some ”Do you have any advice?” I asked
”Yes,” he said turning to his computer, where my records were displayed ”Buy them wholesale”
I had booked a double appointment, so I tookin the crater of a live volcano Should I seek help? ”No,” said Dr Ng, ”you should keep away from volcanoes” For the first tiery without a prescription On le, the receptionist, what the yellow sticker on the front of my medical records denoted ”Time waster,” she said coldly She has never liked our family since my mother called the doctor out on Christed a decanter full of Stolichnaya vodka, believing it to be Malvern water
Friday, December 3, 1999