Part 17 (1/2)

Sunday was the taping night, the night we performed the show in front of an audience Ben would act as war the series in context This was important, for there was always a detectable air of disappoint from the audience No part of the current series would yet have been broadcast, so they would be staring at an unfa at the absence of the characters they had known from the previous series When they came to Blackadder II Blackadder II they were sorry not to have Brian Blessed there as the King; when they came to they were sorry not to have Brian Blessed there as the King; when they cas they s of recordings they s of Blackadder Goes Forth Blackadder Goes Forth they wanted to see Prince George and Mrs Miggins they wanted to see Prince George and Mrs Miggins

For all that, it was a happy experience The Saturday after the taping of the last episode of Blackadder II Blackadder II Richard Curtis held a party at his house in Oxfordshi+re It was a glorious summer's day, and, as we all wanted to watch television, Richard unwound an extension cord and put the set on a wooden chair in the shade of an apple tree We sat on the grass and watched Richard Curtis held a party at his house in Oxfordshi+re It was a glorious summer's day, and, as we all wanted to watch television, Richard unwound an extension cord and put the set on a wooden chair in the shade of an apple tree We sat on the grass and watched Live Aid Live Aid all the way through to the end of the Ah to the end of the American broadcast fro similar,' Richard said

'How's that?' I wasn't sure what he could mean

'Comedians can raise money too Look at what John Cleese did for Amnesty with those Secret Policeman's balls'

'So you mean a Comedians' Live Aid show?'

Richard nodded He had already been ger Comic Relief in his head for some time Now, almost twenty-five years later, he has devoted six or seven anization that, love or loathe the enforced custardy jollities of its biennial television pratfest, has raised hundreds of millions of pounds to comfort those who have sorely needed it

Coral Christmas, Cassidy, C4, Clapless Clapham, Cheeky Chappies and Coltrane's cock With Blackadder II Blackadder II in the can, I was called up by Richard Are

'Happy to say that they want to put on Me and My Girl Me and My Girl in Australia Mike will need you there to help with changes that we can try out for Broadway' in Australia Mike will need you there to help with changes that we can try out for Broadway'

I didn't really believe that Broadould happen How could A slang with anything other than blank stares and fidgety coughs? Australia seemed like a wonderful idea, however, and Mike and I flew out with the rest of the core production team to rehearse an Australian cast in the Melbourne Arts Centre I wish I remembered more about the production I think I fiddled about with the lyrics a little and changed one or two scenes, but that is all that springs to mind It was towards the end of the year, and Mike and I decided that it would be fun to stay on and Christmas up in Queensland He chose Hamilton, one of the Whitsunday Islands of the Coral Reef I spent al, throbbing and shaking with sunstroke and sunburn, much to the amusement of Billy Connolly and Pa in the sah and I turned our minds to the Channel 4 show that Paul Jackson hadco akin to Aht Live Our show, he decided, was to be called Our show, he decided, was to be called Saturday Live Saturday Live I thought of him ever after, not unaffectionately, as Sha over the world Our brand of sketch co more and more dated as each month passed, certainly as far as the prospect of live TV was concerned The proble a duo rather than a solo performer is that you speak to each other, rather than out front to the audience We had in the past written a certain number of sketches, the Shakespeare Masterclass for example, in which the audience could be directly addressed, but for much of our time we played characters locked inworld Out of some act of rare reckless abandon ourselves in front of the ca in a coleurs in Claphaht, sandwiched between a young Julian Clary and Lenny Henry Julian performed as 'The Joan Collins Fan Club' in those days and shared the stage with his little terrier 'fanny the Wonderdog' He did very well, I recall When Hugh and I left the stage after our fifteen h) and 'It wasn't so bad' ( hoonderful it must be to be known and loved by an audience All your work is done before you go on stage Lenny entered to an enormous cheer and, or at least so it seemed towith joy and druh and I were unknown, Blackadder II Blackadder II hadn't aired yet, and hadn't aired yet, and The The Crystal Cube Crystal Cube and and Alfresco Alfresco had been watched by seven people, all of anted to kill us That night at Jongleurs eated blood as we treated the audience to our exquisitely wrought phrases, cunning jokes and deft characterizations only to be rewarded with vague titters and polite but sporadic applause Lenny ca al away from him at all He had built up a rapport over the years and he had the gift that can guarantee a good time in a coh and I ht have hidden our nerves and anxiety as best we could, but fro ere had been watched by seven people, all of anted to kill us That night at Jongleurs eated blood as we treated the audience to our exquisitely wrought phrases, cunning jokes and deft characterizations only to be rewarded with vague titters and polite but sporadic applause Lenny ca al away from him at all He had built up a rapport over the years and he had the gift that can guarantee a good time in a coh and I ht have hidden our nerves and anxiety as best we could, but fro the audience rather than welco theht adive us the great rolling waves of love they sent out to Lenny Later, ere fausts of welcoht at Clapless Claphaht of it, and thank er had to provesaid that, there ca some years later where I was able clearly to witness the reverse effect I directed a nuins Trust in the late eighties and early nineties For the third one I had the duty of welcoe a very well-known comic He entered to a thunderous ovation they were the audience rather than welco theht adive us the great rolling waves of love they sent out to Lenny Later, ere fausts of welcoht at Clapless Claphaht of it, and thank er had to provesaid that, there ca some years later where I was able clearly to witness the reverse effect I directed a nuins Trust in the late eighties and early nineties For the third one I had the duty of welcoe a very well-known comic He entered to a thunderous ovation they were so so pleased to see him He exited to only apleased to see him He exited to only arespectable respectable level of applause The next act was new No one out there had any idea who he was or what they et the audience on his side level of applause The next act was new No one out there had any idea who he was or what they et the audience on his side

'Dear ladies, darling gentleive the next artist your war coreet the wonderful Eddie Izzard!' They were polite and they did their best, but they would so much rather have screae

I stood in the wings and watched as Eddie left the stage to a gigantic gigantic round of applause Howand off to roars than, as the established co round of applause Howand off to roars than, as the established co

Saturday Live was a bear garden: transest studio in London Weekend Television's South Bank studios, it featured a large central stage, side stages for the bands, rando above and a vast arena for the audience of groundlings, etting in the way of the caers in a style that was beco the established fashi+on in hip youth TV, a style that veered between sulky disaffection and hysterical whooping adulation Hugh was convinced that they were more interested in how their hair looked on screen than in anything we arden: transest studio in London Weekend Television's South Bank studios, it featured a large central stage, side stages for the bands, rando above and a vast arena for the audience of groundlings, etting in the way of the caers in a style that was beco the established fashi+on in hip youth TV, a style that veered between sulky disaffection and hysterical whooping adulation Hugh was convinced that they were more interested in how their hair looked on screen than in anything weto try and amuse them

The man who put the turd in Saturday Live Saturday Live I cannot recall a single thing about that sketch Why the rolled-up trouser leg? I cannot recall a single thing about that sketch Why the rolled-up trouser leg?

A one to the Coreat things His name was Harry Enfield and he perforeonly and perverse old gentleman, a character he had consciously endary intervieith Charles Richardson Harry worked on Spitting Ie as an impressionist and had, like us, been booked for as an impressionist and had, like us, been booked for Saturday Live Saturday Live

He had bumped into and becoson, our painter-decorators, and together Harry and Paul had developed a character based on Adam, Paul's Graeco-cockney kebab-shop owner Now nae Spitting I hih and I rather envied Harry the stability of having one returning character Each week for the twelve of the first run of Hugh and I rather envied Harry the stability of having one returning character Each week for the twelve of the first run of Saturday Live Saturday Live we had to think of so new to do Each week the blank sheet of paper and accusatory pen, or rather the blank screen, flashi+ng cursor and accusatory keyboard The sketches that seemed to work best in the insanely hot, loud and unstable atined, where Hugh and I talked out to the audience We developed a line of talk-show parodies where Hugh played a character called Peter Mostyn, who interviewed e for new to do Each week the blank sheet of paper and accusatory pen, or rather the blank screen, flashi+ng cursor and accusatory keyboard The sketches that seemed to work best in the insanely hot, loud and unstable atined, where Hugh and I talked out to the audience We developed a line of talk-show parodies where Hugh played a character called Peter Mostyn, who interviewed e forh, Harry Enfield and Ben Elton Why the electric carving knife, if that's what it is? I re of this mo a Car Stereo With Stealing a Car Stereo With I' a car stereo with Nigel Davenant, Shadow Hoel, hello and welco a Car Stereo With ' and so on ' and so on

I remember that Mostyn sketch with especial clarity (most of our Saturday Live Saturday Live experiences are a blur of jumbled memories: the brain can be kind that way) because it allowed us to film away froround car park With the show being live it was rather tense We had some sort of iron punch hich to smash the nearsideof a car and pull out the radio Rather than using the friable and safe sugar glass usually favoured as a prop ere going to do it on the real thing, a car belonging to someone in the production crew experiences are a blur of jumbled memories: the brain can be kind that way) because it allowed us to film away froround car park With the show being live it was rather tense We had some sort of iron punch hich to smash the nearsideof a car and pull out the radio Rather than using the friable and safe sugar glass usually favoured as a prop ere going to do it on the real thing, a car belonging to soht so, Shadow Home Secretary, have you ever stolen a car stereo before?'

'Ooh, not since I was a young parlia confident?'

'Give it a dao, anyway '

'That's the spirit! This is the kind of tool most car thieves use One firm blow and then, quick as you can, out with the stereo But while you're doing that, let me ask you, was politics always your first love?'

'Oh, no, Susanna was my first love, then a boy called Tony and then then politics' politics'

'Right, has politics changedman after that by-election in 1977?'

And, which was the purpose of these sketches, Hugh would continue an earnest and co in the world Later scenarios included 'Introducing My Grandfather To', 'Photocopying My Genitals With' and 'Flying a Light Aircraft Without Having Had Any Fors on the glass to sht, I recall I could clearly hear the alarmed voice of Geoff Posner, the director, in the earpieces of the two caer each time the punch bounced harmlessly off the'Jesus! hell! Oh, for fuck's sake!'

Hugh iel, that new European lalass since your early days stealing car stereos?'

'That'sbang bangright, Peter I wouldright, Peter I wouldbang bangsayexactlysayexactlybang bangthat Plus I've lost a lot of strength in th inCrash!+ah, that's got it ' What I had lost a lot of strength in my arot it ' What I had lost a lot of strength in my arms due to I fortunately never had to declare

The only other sketch I remember with any clarity is seared into my memory like a brand because it necessitated a visit to a hypnotist

I a By which I ,h the air by flappingit badly badly but a question ofable to do it at all at all I have told you what -headed fools who have skipped about the place proclai ' Hugh, as we know, sings s' Hugh, as we know, sings s marvellously, but Stephen just plain doesn't I think think I can sing when I'm on my own, in the shower for instance, but there is no way of testing it If I iine for a second that there is anybody in the house, or in the garden, or within a hundred yards of me, I freeze up And that would include ais like a physicist's quantum event: any observation fatally alters its outco when I'm on my own, in the shower for instance, but there is no way of testing it If I iine for a second that there is anybody in the house, or in the garden, or within a hundred yards of me, I freeze up And that would include ais like a physicist's quantum event: any observation fatally alters its outcome

Well, came the day in the middle of the second series of Saturday Live Saturday Live that I found that Hugh had painted me, or I had painted myself, into a dreadful corner Somehow a routine had been written in which it was essential forsome other crucial function in the sketch, and I could not but accept that I was going to have to sing Live On television that I found that Hugh had painted me, or I had painted myself, into a dreadful corner Somehow a routine had been written in which it was essential forsome other crucial function in the sketch, and I could not but accept that I was going to have to sing Live On television

For three days I was in a co a pee every ten minutes all the syh could take it no ht then We'll just have to write another sketch'

'No, no! I'll be fine' Annoyingly it was a good sketch Much as I dreaded the prospect of its approach, I knew that we should should do it 'Really I'll be fine' do it 'Really I'll be fine'

Hugh took inknees, ashen complexion and terrified countenance 'You won't be fine,' he said 'I can see that Look, it's obviously psychological You can ha from another You're obviously not tone deaf'

'No,' I said, 'the probleical What you should do is see a hypnotist'

At three o'clock next afternoon I rang the doorbell of the Maddox Street consulting rooms of one Michael Joseph, Clinical Hypnotist

He turned out to be Hungarian by birth Hungarian, I suppose because of randfather, is my favourite accent in all the world I shan't attempt to write 'Vot' for 'What' and 'deh' for 'the', you will just have to i its way into s you here,' he asked, expecting, I i those lines

'I have to sing toht I have to sing Live on television'

I outlined the nature of the proble?'

'Well, I think it h ear to be able usually to recognize some keys E flat major, Cin front of anybody else I just get a haoes dry and the most tuneless, arrhythmic horror comes out'

'I see, I see Perhaps you should put the palms of your hands on your knees, that would be pleasantly comfortable, I think You know, if you feel your hands on your legs, it is a how they seem almost to melt into the flesh, is it not? Soon it is hard to tell which is your hands and which is your legs, don't they? They are as one And as this is happening it now feels as if you are being lowered doell, haven't you? Down into the dark But my voice is like the rope that keeps you confident that you will not be lost My voice will be able to pull you back up, but for theyou down and down and until you are in the warm and in the dark Yes? No?'

'M into a state not of unconsciousness, for I was fully awake and aware of willing relaxation and contented stupor Light closed aroundand securely held in the well of darkness and warmth that he had described

'Tell ?'