Part 16 (1/2)

I decided that I should have a house in the country Look, I can't keep apologizing, but I will say one more time, I kno horrible thison its feet, even one that had a rather proble or admirable hero I have to lay out the facts as I recall thee that they reflect little or no credit onbut ht in the riches the world see run away as a child from what I could now see was a blissful country home, I wanted toto me, Norfolk There was one small problem, however I knew that er and swank I was too e It seemed obscene and unjustified My father I associated with a crippling work ethic and a contempt for money, or at least a co about the garden of life withdown on usting This would be income almost as dishonestly come by in his eyes, or so I told myself, as the money I used to steal inproblems has ever been either to run away or, as in this case, to lie his way out of trouble You do not need to have lived many years on the planet to know that this means to lie your way into into trouble I decided to tell my parents that I wanted to buy a place in Norfolk which I would open as a restaurant It seeent than to buy one purely as a second home My parents appeared to believe h to pretend to and not call the lie at once trouble I decided to tell my parents that I wanted to buy a place in Norfolk which I would open as a restaurant It seeent than to buy one purely as a second home My parents appeared to believe h to pretend to and not call the lie at once

I am the world's quickest and least patient shopper I pluck from shelves like a Supermarket Sweep Supermarket Sweep contestant on crystaldrive me insane with impatience It turned out that I was like this with houses too I contacted a Norfolk estate agent and bought the third house I looked at The first tere te but needed too much work The one I settled on was a solid six-bedrooinally sixteenth-century but rey characteristic of that part of Norfolk I showed e dining-rooh of hatches, the construction of a bar and cold roo staff Tactfully this was never really ain It was obvious that the house was for me to live in, and that if I ever did entertain the notion of being a restaurateur it was nofantasy Ee and single state, I told people that I had a 'country cottage' in Norfolk Just a little place for weekends contestant on crystaldrive me insane with impatience It turned out that I was like this with houses too I contacted a Norfolk estate agent and bought the third house I looked at The first tere te but needed too much work The one I settled on was a solid six-bedrooinally sixteenth-century but rey characteristic of that part of Norfolk I showed e dining-rooh of hatches, the construction of a bar and cold roo staff Tactfully this was never really ain It was obvious that the house was for me to live in, and that if I ever did entertain the notion of being a restaurateur it was nofantasy Ee and single state, I told people that I had a 'country cottage' in Norfolk Just a little place for weekends

So there I was, a celibatecar A A ludicrously big car? It was surely tiht I embarked upon as to turn into a six- or seven-year classic-car spending spree, starting with an early seventies Aston Martin V8 It was a garish Yeoht it, so I had it resprayed a sleek and understated Midnight Blue I cannot remember which I loved more, my little house in the country, old Aal tit, what a flash fuckhead I look back and see only waste, vanity, emptiness and puerile conceit That I was happy offerscar? It was surely tiht I embarked upon as to turn into a six- or seven-year classic-car spending spree, starting with an early seventies Aston Martin V8 It was a garish Yeoht it, so I had it resprayed a sleek and understated Midnight Blue I cannot remember which I loved more, my little house in the country, old Aal tit, what a flash fuckhead I look back and see only waste, vanity, emptiness and puerile conceit That I was happy offers ret that flickers through ht have used the h in London? Hugh, Katie, Nick and I loved Southgate Road and noere ready to pool our resources and buy our own house together Why did I need a large place in the country too? I loved n, why should I need another car and another and another? A man can only drive one vehicle at a time, for heaven's sake I loved my Macintosh, so why did I need to replace it every time Apple came up with a new model? Why did I need any any of the baubles I spunkedat? I could have saved the ht just as well tellDon Giovanni at Covent Garden or opened the batting at Lord's As Dirty Harry tells Hal Holbrook in of the baubles I spunkedat? I could have saved the ht just as well tellDon Giovanni at Covent Garden or opened the batting at Lord's As Dirty Harry tells Hal Holbrook in Magnuotta know his limitations' I will never be provident, prudent or prescient Never I do not have it in e, improvement, heuristic develop and wisdoh experience are all possible and desirable I also believe that leopards will always be spotty, skunks sant Soe

'You'll never have to work again,' soratulated on becoain! You can stay in bed all day' Perhaps that is why I spent money so freely, so that I always had the incentive to work

Another incentive to as the example of Ben Elton The second series was the last the world ever saw of Alfresco Alfresco, but between putting the finishi+ng touches to the final sketch of the hundred or so he wrote for it and co his co-authorshi+p of the second series of The Young Ones The Young Ones he had somehow contrived to write all six episodes of an entirely new comedy drama of his own invention which he called he had somehow contrived to write all six episodes of an entirely new comedy drama of his own invention which he called Happy Families Happy Families It starred Jennifer Saunders in the five roles of an old grandhters Ade Edmondson, shortly to becorandson who must search the world to reunite them all I was cast as the same nonchalantly callous Dr de Quincy I had played in a few It starred Jennifer Saunders in the five roles of an old grandhters Ade Edmondson, shortly to becorandson who must search the world to reunite them all I was cast as the same nonchalantly callous Dr de Quincy I had played in a few Alfresco Alfresco sketches, with Hugh as Jiesque friend and coh as Jiesque friend and co Ones producer-director, Paul Jackson During the shoot, which took place in and around Denstone in Staffordshi+re, not five minutes from the charms of Uttoxeter and the horrors of Alton Towers, Paul ether a new live coh and I would be interested in contributing to it We conferred nervously with each other in the bar that evening The neorld of youthful stand-up coy' 'alternative' and 'ground-breaking' show Stand-up was another string to Ben Elton's bow: he appeared regularly co to do a session or two in the new series Other co, such as Mark Arden and Steve Frost, who performed as the Oblivion Boys, and Rik Mayall and Ade Ederous Brothers Hugh and I wondered if ould stick out like sore and inappropriately tweedy thus we decided that we should do the show In the end, soh and I knew that we could and should do coether It was a kind of destiny producer-director, Paul Jackson During the shoot, which took place in and around Denstone in Staffordshi+re, not five minutes from the charms of Uttoxeter and the horrors of Alton Towers, Paul ether a new live coh and I would be interested in contributing to it We conferred nervously with each other in the bar that evening The neorld of youthful stand-up coy' 'alternative' and 'ground-breaking' show Stand-up was another string to Ben Elton's bow: he appeared regularly co to do a session or two in the new series Other co, such as Mark Arden and Steve Frost, who performed as the Oblivion Boys, and Rik Mayall and Ade Ederous Brothers Hugh and I wondered if ould stick out like sore and inappropriately tweedy thus we decided that we should do the show In the end, soh and I knew that we could and should do coether It was a kind of destiny

Back in London after filht a share in a large house in St Mark's Rise, Dalston Situated just off the Sandringha Yardie population was known as Da Front Line, the house was in need of soht away Which is to say we hired a tea plasterers and decorators to do it for us They were very good, and I should tell you about the to talk about the quality of work done by the team who came to decorate his house WTF?

As they say on helplines, bear with me caller

One of the plasterers, Martin, was really very, very expert indeed Marvellous at ceiling roses and all kinds of moulded ornamental plasterwork The other two, Paul and Charlie, were , sanding, painting and other ancillary skills that eneral builder, but they had another quality They were quite extraordinarily funny I brought them coffee, as you do when you have the builders in, and I chatted with the h They had been at the University of East Anglia in Norwich, which seat of higher education they had quickly vacated, dropping out andif cooal Charlie was the lead singer in a punk outfit which apparently had a cult following Paul entertained our household with i a Greek cockney who had an eccentric ith very cockneyfied English This character was based on a real-life Hackney kebab-shop owner called Adah and I believed that, excellent as Paul and Charlie ith the bonding, ski and so forth, they really should have a stab attheir way in coht that perhaps, one day, he ht see if he could make it as a writer

The most successful coton He was Douglas Adams The success of the radio series, books and television adaptation of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy had earned hiantic h it seemed much more When he ran up and down the stairs the whole house shook He was curious about and amused by all kinds of inani plants and creatures, by himself, by other people, by the world and by the whole universe The most fundamental laws, principles and accepted systeranted by ally odd More than anyone I have ever known he coreat sophistication of understanding and intelligence had earned hiantic h it seemed much more When he ran up and down the stairs the whole house shook He was curious about and amused by all kinds of inani plants and creatures, by himself, by other people, by the world and by the whole universe The most fundamental laws, principles and accepted systeranted by ally odd More than anyone I have ever known he coreat sophistication of understanding and intelligence

Alo round to his house off Upper Street and, like a shy schoolboy, ask his wife, Jane, if he ht be free to play He was never free to play, of course, being eternally under the shadow of a writing deadline and so, naturally, ould play Douglas's remark about deadlines has become the final word on the subject 'I love deadlines, I love the whooshi+ng sound they make as they fly by'

In what manner did we play? What was the substance of our play? Scalextric? Trains? Jaht already have guessed Douglas was the only person I kneho, like raded to a new ht one out Like me, he more than just liked it, he loved it, believed in it, wanted to shout out its pioneering, world-changing importance from the rooftops Like me, he could not believe how soCP/M or the new operating syste but put text up on the screen We believed that the raphical-desktop idea had had to be the way forward and were easily upset and enraged by those who failed to see it Like all fanatics we , boorish and botherso Mac' to the Mac Plus with its ical SCSI connectors and thence to the all-colour Mac II and beyond Douglas could well afford it, and I was beginning, as to be the way forward and were easily upset and enraged by those who failed to see it Like all fanatics we , boorish and botherso Mac' to the Mac Plus with its ical SCSI connectors and thence to the all-colour Mac II and beyond Douglas could well afford it, and I was beginning, as Me and My Girl Me and My Girlpound for pound Bliss was it in that dawn to be alive, but to be monied was very heavenpound for pound Bliss was it in that dawn to be alive, but to be ful kind of internet was, of course, years off Not only was there no World Wide Web, even servers, services and protocols like WAIS, Gopher, Veronica, Jughead, SuperJANET and Archie, today long moribund, were then a futurist's dream There had been Prestel, an early online service run by the Post Office which ran very happily on , and there was also Compuserve, a co on to using a sieoning internet, like electronic ly out of reach, available only to those in acadelas's and ra them out on our machines until they crashed There was no real purpose behind it all If Jane asked us e needed to do e did and what the point point hich as a keen-brained, hard-nosed realist of a barrister she did from time to time, ould look at each other in wonderment hich as a keen-brained, hard-nosed realist of a barrister she did from time to time, ould look at each other in wonderlas would roll the word round in hisLear's 'Reason not the need'

For soital devices and machines of that nature will be functional objects whose purpose is to serve by perfor required to ensure that such functions can better be fulfilled, then so be it: let there be a little tweaking For other people, people like Douglas anda computer to write a book, fill in tax returns or print out an invoice is so a computer to write a book, fill in tax returns or print out an invoice is so around People like Douglas and s Unless you are blind, or a shepherd, polices do not have a function, they are there to be loved, tickled and patted to bring joy I suppose the more common affliction of this kind is the one people have with cars Rowan Atkinson, Steve Coogan and Robbie Coltrane, for exao to the shops, drive home and so forth, of course they do, but that is not what dominates their attitude and relationshi+p to them If you have not been blessed or cursed with deeply es for eek, ht set them down as petrol-heads and boy racers Enthusiasts are used to being ned and misunderstood We don't really las and I relished being esoteric hobbyists who spoke a recondite language and devoted hours to fruitless projects I aret entered the soul when Microsoft finally got the point and started to offer their own graphical interface They called it Windows, and by 1992 version 31 had reached the stage where it was almost usable Another three years were to pass before Windows 95 could finally be called an operating system, rather than an add-on to MS-DOS That was eleven years after the introduction of the Mac, a lifetilas and I felt on the one hand vindicated and on the other a little deflated, as though the crowd had found their way into the secret garden One of the most unattractive human traits, and so easy to fall into, is resentment at the sudden shared popularity of a previously private pleasure Which of us hasn't been annoyed when a band, writer, artist or television series that had been a minority interest of ours has suddenly achieved mainstream popularity? When it was at a cult level we moaned at the philistinism of a world that didn't appreciate it, and now that they do, but how las and s Unless you are blind, or a shepherd, polices do not have a function, they are there to be loved, tickled and patted to bring joy I suppose the more common affliction of this kind is the one people have with cars Rowan Atkinson, Steve Coogan and Robbie Coltrane, for exao to the shops, drive home and so forth, of course they do, but that is not what dominates their attitude and relationshi+p to them If you have not been blessed or cursed with deeply es for eek, ht set them down as petrol-heads and boy racers Enthusiasts are used to being ned and misunderstood We don't really las and I relished being esoteric hobbyists who spoke a recondite language and devoted hours to fruitless projects I aret entered the soul when Microsoft finally got the point and started to offer their own graphical interface They called it Windows, and by 1992 version 31 had reached the stage where it was almost usable Another three years were to pass before Windows 95 could finally be called an operating system, rather than an add-on to MS-DOS That was eleven years after the introduction of the Mac, a lifetilas and I felt on the one hand vindicated and on the other a little deflated, as though the crowd had found their way into the secret garden One of the most unattractive human traits, and so easy to fall into, is resentment at the sudden shared popularity of a previously private pleasure Which of us hasn't been annoyed when a band, writer, artist or television series that had been a minority interest of ours has suddenly achieved mainstream popularity? When it was at a cult level we moaned at the philistinism of a world that didn't appreciate it, and now that they do do appreciate it we're all resentful and dog-in-the--haired boys at school ere seriously annoyed by the success of appreciate it we're all resentful and dog-in-the--haired boys at school ere seriously annoyed by the success of Dark Side of the Moon Dark Side of the Moon They went around'sell-out' when a month before they had bored anyone they could find on the subject of the misunderstood brilliance of Pink Floyd and how the world was too stupid to recognize their genius

Douglas and I had years of lonely pleasure ahead of us, however, and the two- or three-year period of our intense visiting, disk swapping and techie chatter counts as a routine was painful in the extreme Sue Freestone, his publisher at Heine, often ales frolas would hurl himself downstairs to the coffee ain, thump to his desk and sit in front of the co with the screensaver, the wallpaper, the title of the file, the placement on the desktop of the folder the file was stored in, the forins and the stylesheets, he e it to italics, swap the word order around, get up, stare at it soroan and then delete it He would try another sentence He would look at this one and now perhaps give a little puff of pleasure He would stand up, stride across the room and hurl hi and s around the table, andcoffee

'Dare I ask?' Sue would say

'Going well I have the first sentence!'

'Oh' It would be perhaps July with the new novel already overdue the previous Septehtly 'Well, that's a start at least '

Douglas would nod enthusiastically and fling hi in his wake We would hear the feet thuonized cry of 'No! Hopeless!' would tell us that the proud first sentence was not, after all, up to snuff, and a banging on the keyboard would register its angry deletion An author's day is tough enough, but the writing life of Douglas Ada in a manner quite unlike anyone else's I have ever known

Carlton Club Crustiness Ben Elton, meanwhile, whose creative flo no constrictions of the smallest kind, could not be expected to be content with his thousand Alfresco Alfresco sketches, two series of sketches, two series of The Young Ones The Young Ones, the creation of a whole new comedy drama serial and the prospect of Paul Jackson's Channel 4 show On his return fro in Staffordshi+re he immediately started work as a co-author on a new BBC situation co; it was in truth a second series, but one which wholly reworked the original fil in Staffordshi+re he immediately started work as a co-author on a new BBC situation co; it was in truth a second series, but one which wholly reworked the original

The Black Adder, starring Rowan Atkinson and written by hi-time collaborator and fellow Oxonian Richard Curtis, had been broadcast two or even three years earlier and, although crammed from end to end with simply superb perforarded as so of a disappointment The BBC decided that, whatever else the show's qualities ht be, it was certainly too expensive to continue with: its producer John Lloyd was later to describe it as 'the show that looked a million dollars and cost a e decided that, even if it did get picked up for a second series, he would no longer be a writer on it, which left his co-creator Richard Curtis to decide whether he wanted to go it alone or find a collaborator He opted for the latter course, and the writer he chose was Ben Elton Richard Arent, believed that Blackadder Blackadder certainly had potential enough to justify his pressuring the BBC to relent, but he entertained the gravest doubts about Ben Elton's suitability for the project He called h to justify his pressuring the BBC to relent, but he entertained the gravest doubts about Ben Elton's suitability for the project He called me into his office

'Elton,' he said 'Richard Curtis seems to want to ith him on the next Blackadder Blackadder'

'That's a brilliant idea!'

'Really? What about all those farting jokes?' Richard had still not forgiven Ben for Colonel Sodo to Worry About There's Nothing to Worry About

'No, Ben is perfect for this, honestly'

'Har and pondered deeply for a while

Ben is sweet-natured, kind, honest and true He is one of the ifted people I have ever ifted he see people to disapprove of him and to wrinkle their nose in distaste and scorn They distrust what they see as his faux cockney accent (it isn't faux, he has always talked that way, as do his brother and sister), the earnest self-righteousness of his political views and the (perceived) unctuous s but has never been a fool and knows this very well, yet the one accoranted is the ability to do anything about it Richard Are was certainly one of those who found him hard to take, but he was too shrewd not to see that, if the decade could be said to have a coer on it rowly and unlovable accent and his predilection, to Richard's mind, for bottom, penis and wind-expulsion humour

'You really think so?' He looked at ht expect to see on the face of the secretary of a Pall Mall gentle a member recommend Pete Doherty for election to the wine committee

I was flattered to have my opinion so valued My contribution to the success of Me and My Girl Me and My Girl, which had made Richard the happiest man in London, and the fact that I could be taken to any weekend gathering or dinner party without letting the side down, had led him to rely on me as a kind of intermediary between his world and the brave new one that was springing up around hi to be another series is there?'

'The question,' said Richard, snatching blindly at the receiver hanging on the coht shoulder, 'is whether we can persuade the BBC to give it a second chance They want to deciet'

'That's not too bad Only ten per cent'

'Hey?'

'To decimatepedantry , but Richard always enjoyed it 'Ha!' he said and then, as a voice came on the line, 'Get me John Howard Davies By the way,' he added to me as I stood up to leave, 'we must talk about Me and My Girl Me and My Girl on Broadway some time soon Farewell' on Broadway some time soon Farewell'

I was not, of course, privy to Richard Curtis, Rowan, Ben and John Lloyd's discussions as they created the second Blackadder Blackadder series, but I do know that the decision to reduce the scale of the shoas, from Ben's point of view, a series, but I do know that the decision to reduce the scale of the shoas, from Ben's point of view, a comic comic necessity; the fact that from the BBC's it was a necessity; the fact that froarded as a rare and happy collision of interests When the executives saw the scripts that Ben and Richard caet was more than deciarded as a rare and happy collision of interests When the executives saw the scripts that Ben and Richard caet was more than decimated, it was at the very least quartered

It is not my job to speak for Ben, but this is how I interpret his conviction that it was comically necessary to pare the show back The Black Adder The Black Adder had been shot on a grand scale, withlocations There were extras everywhere, there were populous battle scenes and e for each episode was edited and then shown to an audience, whose laughter was recorded on to the track The resultant programme ithout atrand scale, withlocations There were extras everywhere, there were populous battle scenes and e for each episode was edited and then shown to an audience, whose laughter was recorded on to the track The resultant programme ithout atmosphere, but more importantly without focus focus I have a theory about situation comedy that I trot out to anyone who is prepared to listen or, in your case, to read I see sitco for the spectator is to be able to see the ball see the ball It does not raceful, fast and skilful the players are if you can't see the ball all their athleticis and swiping and stroking; the moment you see the ball it all makes sense The probleht, was that you never saw the ball Wonderful and delightful were the ,and wicked sword thrusting, but the ball of as at stake fro or saying or intending, was lost in the wealth of background: sentries at every gate, sweeping vistas, busy pages, squires and stewards busily paging, squiring and stewarding and, withoutthe audience's eye off the ball Ben wanted the whole thing stripped down to the essentials and he felt it imperative that the shows should be performed in front of an audience and taped in the true iven us Fawlty Towers Fawlty Towers, Dad's Arreat classics of television coreat classics of television coo so far as to clai forward, but I do know that Richard Are's influence over the BBC was enor else his boyhood friend Bill Cotton, the Managing Director of Television and Kingmaker in General, was one of the most powerful men in the corporation They were both children of 1930s music stars Billy Cotton the bandleader and Noel Gay the tunesmith were best friends who ran Tin Pan Alley, and their sons were best friends who ranworld of popular entertainment Rowan and Ben were my friends, and I could not have beentheir unique talents would be given another chance I thought no ht that I e that Ben was a good choice

It careat surprise therefore to be asked if I would consider playing a regular character in the series The first I heard about it was during the course of what Ben liked to call a 'crusty'

For all his (utterly mistaken) reputation as a joyless, puritanical socialist Ben has always been, since I first knew hilish style, randeur He adores P G Wodehouse and Noel Coward and has a passion for English history I share much of this I love the world of clubland, old established five-star hotels, the streets of St Jaround to the Beefsteak, from Wilton's to Wartski's, from Trumper's of Jermyn Street to the Sandpit of the Savile Club

Perhaps, as ere both from European Jewish families who escaped nazi persecution, the ability to penetrate even occasionally and tangentially the fastnesses of the Establishly anchored to the codes and culture we could so easily never have known Perhaps, as with nized by the hall porters and headwaiters of London's smartest institutions helped convinceuniversity I had been a e Club in Pall Mall, a classic St Jaed leather arrand marble staircases Fiery torches on the outside wall throw their flas, and in the courts below can be heard the thump and clack of racquet and billiard balls You had to be a member of either of the universities to join, of course, but iven the seventy-year co-educational status of both establish allowed to visit in a special wing and drawing-rooe of membershi+p for me was the availability of other clubs in London and around the world Reciprocal arrangeust when the Oxford and Ca that time the Refor in Round the World in Eighty Days Round the World in Eighty Days), the Traveller's Club (home of the private oratory of the nor Alfred Gilbey), the RAF Club, the Naval and Military (usually referred to as the 'In and Out'), the absurdly named East India, Devonshi+re, Sports and Public Schools Club in St James's Square and half a dozen others opened their doors to bereft Oxford and Ca The Carlton Club, a High Tory edifice in St Jalories of wine merchants Berry Bros and Rudd, Lock the hatter and Lobb the boot-ust and august hospitality

I had taken Ben Elton to the Oxford and Cae, and he had revelled in the wonders and absurdities of it The lecterns on the dining-room tables for those solitary lunchers or diners anted to read, the strange brass andmachines with an ancient book next to theht, the library, the barber shop and the billiard-room had all appealed to his fondness for the dottily traditional His word for it all was 'crusty', crusty as in old port and crusty as in the crabby and cantankerous old men that infest such places