Part 14 (1/2)

One of Alan Coren's favourite academic stories was one of mine too It concerns a don, often identified as Sir Arthur Quiller-Couch, that great moustachioed Edwardian doyen of letters, author of children's adventure stories and responsible as 'Q' for the great edition of the Oxford Book of English Verse Oxford Book of English Verse Apparently he elco a new Fellow to the Senior Coe where he roosted for the last thirty years of his life Apparently he elco a new Fellow to the Senior Coe where he roosted for the last thirty years of his life

'We're delighted to have you here,' he said, putting an ar man's shoulder, 'but a word of advice Don't try to be clever We're all clever here Only try to be kind, a little kind'

Like most university stories, this one is variously attributed and it probably never even happened but, as the Italians say, se non e vero, e ben trovato se non e vero, e ben trovato even if it isn't true, it's well founded even if it isn't true, it's well founded

I wrote a weekly Listener Listener column for another year The colu duties lasted only a few months before Boxer and I parted bymy sanity I continued meanwhile to tap away at the keyboard for other publications as often as I was asked to I see as I didn't have to breachduties lasted only a few months before Boxer and I parted bymy sanity I continued meanwhile to tap away at the keyboard for other publications as often as I was asked to I see as I didn't have to breach , all ell

Confirin? Why did editors fasten upon me in the first place? What motivated Mark Boxer to be in touch? Why did Russell Twisk make an approach? Well, it is possible that I owed my journalistic career, such as it was, to a ood television you will knoho I lasses and talks about architecture, food and culture high and low as brilliantly as any man alive For many years he was The Tiht think that, pace pace Giles Coren and his generation, he has never been surpassed in that field In the hties he had soeneration, he has never been surpassed in that field In the hties he had some kind of position on the Tatler Tatler, 'features editor' is I think the proper description He got hold of my telephone number soiveout of the blue,' he said 'My naazine I got your nuazine I got your number perhaps from Don Boyd, who knows everybody'

'hello How can I help?'

'I aether an article in which people write about so they don't don't do Gavin Sta us why he doesn't drive, and Brian Sewell is giving us a piece about never going on holiday I wondered if you h in?' do Gavin Sta us why he doesn't drive, and Brian Sewell is giving us a piece about never going on holiday I wondered if you h in?'

'Gosh!+ Er '

'So Is there anything you don't do?'

'Hm,' I scrabbled frantically around in the recesses ofWell I don't strangle kittens or rape nuns, but I's we '

' about things we don't do which ht suddenly struck me 'I don't do sex sex Would that count, do you think?'

A pause followed that one dead

'hello?Jonathan?'

'Four hundred words by Friday afternoon Can't offer more than two hundred pounds Deal?'

I cannot entirely understand, to this day, why I withheldas I did Kim and I had been partners in a coe and for a month or so afterwards Since then I had become less and less interested in sex while Kim had pursued a more conventional and fulfilled erotic career and had by now found himself a new partner, a handsome Greek-American called Steve Kim and I still adored each other and still shared the Chelsea flat He had Steve and I hadI had my work

If I have a theory to explain the celibacy that began in 1982 and was not to end until 1996 it is that during that period work took the place of everything else in my life Whatever effect multiple school expulsions, social and acaderadation of iasp escape into Cae and the discovery that there ork I could do and be valued for doing galvanized y of concentrated labour from which I could not and would not be diverted, not even by the prospect of sexual or romantic fulfilment Perhaps career, concentration, cos of choice I have a theory to explain the celibacy that began in 1982 and was not to end until 1996 it is that during that period work took the place of everything else in my life Whatever effect multiple school expulsions, social and acaderadation of iasp escape into Cae and the discovery that there ork I could do and be valued for doing galvanized y of concentrated labour from which I could not and would not be diverted, not even by the prospect of sexual or romantic fulfilment Perhaps career, concentration, cos of choice

Work can be an addiction like any other Love of it can be a home-wrecker, an obsession that bores, upsets, insults and worries those close to you We all know that drugs, alcohol and tobacco are Bad, but work, we are brought up to believe, is Good As a result the world is full of fa abandoned and breadwinners who are even ry because their hours of labour are not sufficiently appreciated 'I do it for you!' they cry While it may be true that work puts meat on the table, everyone around them knows that hard workers do it for themselves Most children of workaholics would rather see lessCa to an to hear omaniac' partly because he was a classical scholar and partly I suspect because the 'maniac' part better expressed the absurd frenzy hich I was starting to throw myself into every offer that came my way To this day I am often reminded by those aboutand that there are such things as holidays I don't believe them, of course, no matter how many times they assure ly refuses to go away is whether my productivity, ubiquity and wellcareer harlotryhave stoppedwhat, in the world of fathers, teachers and grown-ups in general, h and Emma, to name the two most obvious of my conteal and improvident with their talents as I have I want to say that they have always had reason to believe in their talents more than I have in mine But then I also want to say that I have had more fun than they have and that: For when the One Great Scorer coainst your name, He marks not that you won or lost, But how you played the Game

Which is all very well, but while I s, I ao so far as to claiht, I eration There is a vision that coh

I picture myself at the surface of an ocean: the course of my life is played out as a descent to the sea bed As I drop down I clutch at and try to reach blurred but alluring i the vocation of writer, actor, comedian, film director, politician or academic, but they all writhe and ripple flirtatiously out of reach, or rather it would be truer to say that I a afraid to commit to one I commit to none and arrive at the botto, pitiful and absurd fantasy of regret, I know, but it is a frequent one I close whatever book I have been reading in bed, and that saain in my mind before I sleep I know that I have a reputation for cleverness and articulacy, but I also know that people must wonder why I haven't quite done better with my life and talents A jack of so many trades and manifestly a master of none In my perkier moods I am entirely pleased with this outcome, for I refuse to stand on a carpet in a heads of the head and heavy school-report pronouncerotesque, iless conclusion 'Could be happier' is the only one that counts I have had five times the opportunities and experiences accorded to most, and if the result is a disappointment to posterity, well prosperity can eat it In less perky ements of the head-shakers and school-report pronouncers What a waste What a fatuous, selfish, air-headed, indolent and insulting waste my life has been

While it is not exactly counterintuitive it may perhaps be less than ireat deal more conceited of me to bemoan my life as a waste than for me to be ret at ests that I really believe that I had in , to have written a great great novel or to have been a novel or to have been a great great actor, director, playwright, poet or statesht delude myself I had the potential for Whether or not I have the ability to be any of those things, I do know that I lack the ambition, concentration, focus and above all actor, director, playwright, poet or statesht delude myself I had the potential for Whether or not I have the ability to be any of those things, I do know that I lack the ambition, concentration, focus and above all ithout which such talents are as useless as an engine without fuel Which is not to say that I aood at tactics but hopeless at strategy, happy to slog away at whatever is in front of ine the future A good golfer, they say, has to picture his swing before he addresses the ball in order to drive My whole life has been an adventure in hit and hope without which such talents are as useless as an engine without fuel Which is not to say that I aood at tactics but hopeless at strategy, happy to slog away at whatever is in front of ine the future A good golfer, they say, has to picture his swing before he addresses the ball in order to drive My whole life has been an adventure in hit and hope

But sex Yes, we have to return, I fear, to sex We were discussing that commission for the Tatler Tatler I wrote the article for Jonathan Meades, outlining ent instinct to ruly tufted areas of the human body that constitute the main dishes in the banquet of love' andand irksoested that a life without sex and without the presence of a partner offered numerous benefits The celibate life allowed productivity, independence and ease free fro the will and desires of another: released froress, a new and better kind of life could be lived sex was an overrated bore 'Besides,' I confessed as I ended the article, 'I'ood at it' I wrote the article for Jonathan Meades, outlining ent instinct to ruly tufted areas of the human body that constitute the main dishes in the banquet of love' andand irksoested that a life without sex and without the presence of a partner offered numerous benefits The celibate life allowed productivity, independence and ease free fro the will and desires of another: released froress, a new and better kind of life could be lived sex was an overrated bore 'Besides,' I confessed as I ended the article, 'I'ood at it'

The piece was quoted and reproduced in whole or in part in several newspapers, and for the next twelve years it was rare for this particular C-word not to be attached to me much as macrobiotic is attached to Gwyneth Paltrow and tantric to Sting I joined Cliff Richard and Morrissey as one of celibacy's peculiar poster children Profilers, chat show hosts and interviewers in the years to co it up, ho-ho, whether I would recommend sexual abstinence as a way of life and how I coped with the loneliness of the single state I had created a rod forit It was, s ever are, true I did did find the business of eros a nuisance and an embarrassment I find the business of eros a nuisance and an embarrassment I did did enjoy the independence and freedo unattached and I enjoy the independence and freedo unattached and I as afraid that Ito deny my terror of rejection, or ht not be very good at sex A to deny my terror of rejection, or my low sense ofof each year the odds against thened as I felt myself less and less practised in the arts of love and less and less confident about hoould ever go about finding a partner, even supposing that I wanted one There was just sodown to Chichester to start Forty Years On Forty Years On, I orking on Me and My Girl Me and My Girl, chugging out journalis enthusiastic steps in another medium: radio

The Tatler celibacy article Photo Tim Platt/ celibacy article Photo Tim Platt/Tatler Conde Naste Publications Ltd Words Stephen Fry/ Conde Naste Publications Ltd Words Stephen Fry/Tatler Conde Naste Publications Ltd Conde Naste Publications Ltd

Characters and the Corporation Ever since I can remember I have loved radio, especially the kind of talk radio that only the BBC Hohout ht up to the national antheland made me,' Anthony Farrant says to hiland land broadcast on 1500of an article on the World Service for Arena Arena azine

BBC World Service The News, read by Roger CollingeThe warm brown tones trickle out of Bush House like honey fro and Mediuht and sibilant on the Short Wave for a hundred lophone citizens of the world for whose benefit the precious signal is bounced off the ath ionospheric stor traffic of a hundred thousand intrusive foreign trans on the veranda table Oh, to be in England, now that England's gone This World Service, this little Bakelite gateway into the world of Sidney Box, Charters and Caldicott, Mazawattee tea, Kennedy's Latin Priland that never was, conjured into the air by nothingstyle that in its dishonesty is brassier and brasher than Disneyland A Mary Poppins service, glamorous in its drab severity, merry in its stern routine and inexhaustible resource: a twinkling authoritarian that fulfils our deepest fantasy by sio Ooh, I love it

I'm sure I knehat I meant at the time by the World Service's 'dishonesty', but the truth is I still adored and valued radio above television Radio 4's ame and quirky discussion is unique and was central to the fashi+oning of rew up to the sound of war the fabric speaker covers of valve wireless sets uson, Roberts and Pye One ofunder my mother's chair in our house in Chesham while she tapped away on her typewriter with characters fro about dairy cattle in the background arguing about dairy cattle in the background My Music My Music, My Word! My Word!, A Word in Edgeways A Word in Edgeways, Stop the Week Stop the Week, Start the Week Start the Week, Any Answers Any Answers, Any Questions Any Questions, Twenty Questions Twenty Questions, Many a Slip Many a Slip, Does the Team Think? Does the Team Think?, Brain of Britain Brain of Britain, From Our Own Correspondent From Our Own Correspondent, The Petticoat Line The Petticoat Line, File on Four File on Four, Down Your Way Down Your Way, The World at One, Today The World at One, Today, PM PM, You and Yours You and Yours, Woman's Hour Woman's Hour, Letter from America Letter from America, Jack de Manio Precisely Jack de Manio Precisely, The Men from the Ministry The Men from the Ministry, Gardener's Question Time Gardener's Question Time, The Burkiss Way The Burkiss Way, The Jason Explanation The Jason Explanation, Round Britain Quiz Round Britain Quiz, Just a Minute Just a Minute, I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue, Desert Island Discs Desert Island Discs and a hundred other dramas, comedies, quizzes and features have aed, infore My voice, I think, owes more to the BBC microphone and the dusty, sloarm-up Mullard valve than to the accents and tones of my family, friends and school fellows Just as there are the lazily sucked bones of Wodehouse, Wilde and Waugh in ht word for it, so the intonations of John Ebden, Robert Robinson, Franklin 'Jingle' Engelaret Howard, David Jacobs, Kenneth Robinson, Richard Baker, Anthony Quinton, John Julius Norwich, Alistair Cooke, David Jason, Brian Johnston, John Timpson, Jack de Manio, Steve Race, Frank Muir, Dennis Norden, Nicholas Parsons, Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Peter Jones, Nelson Gabriel, Derek Cooper, Clive Jacobs, Martin Muncaster and Brian Perkins have penetratedto the extent that et into the hair and skin and nails and tissue they have become a physical as well as an emotional and intellectual part of me We are all the sum of countless influences I like to believe that Shakespeare, Keats, dickens, Austen, Joyce, Eliot, Auden and the great and noble grandees of literature have had their effect on ood for a fiver at Christmas and a book token on birthdays, while Radio 4 and the BBC World Service were my mother and father, a daily presence and constant example and a hundred other dramas, comedies, quizzes and features have aed, infore My voice, I think, owes more to the BBC microphone and the dusty, sloarm-up Mullard valve than to the accents and tones of my family, friends and school fellows Just as there are the lazily sucked bones of Wodehouse, Wilde and Waugh in ht word for it, so the intonations of John Ebden, Robert Robinson, Franklin 'Jingle' Engelaret Howard, David Jacobs, Kenneth Robinson, Richard Baker, Anthony Quinton, John Julius Norwich, Alistair Cooke, David Jason, Brian Johnston, John Timpson, Jack de Manio, Steve Race, Frank Muir, Dennis Norden, Nicholas Parsons, Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Peter Jones, Nelson Gabriel, Derek Cooper, Clive Jacobs, Martin Muncaster and Brian Perkins have penetratedto the extent that et into the hair and skin and nails and tissue they have become a physical as well as an emotional and intellectual part of me We are all the sum of countless influences I like to believe that Shakespeare, Keats, dickens, Austen, Joyce, Eliot, Auden and the great and noble grandees of literature have had their effect on ood for a fiver at Christmas and a book token on birthdays, while Radio 4 and the BBC World Service were my mother and father, a daily presence and constant exae that I would be quite content to work in radio all ular broadcaster of some kind, how happy I would be My dislike of my facial features and physical foroes, a good face for radio Announcers and broadcasters have no need of make-up or costume For one who believed that any attempt at prettification on my part would only draw attention to my cursed deficiencies, a life in front of the microphone seemed like the perfect career How much more realistic for me a national radio station than irrational venustation

My first visits to Broadcasting House, the home of BBC Radio in Portland Place, had been as early as 1982, when I played a fictional news reporter for a Radio 1 programme called, I think think, B15 B15 The base House were all Bx, and I honestly cannot reraramme its name In its short run B14 B14 or or B12 B12 or whatever it may have called itself was presented by David 'Kid' Jensen, an a to a friend ofthe least objectionable presenter of or whatever it may have called itself was presented by David 'Kid' Jensen, an a to a friend ofthe least objectionable presenter of Top of the Pops Top of the Pops in all its long history My character on in all its long history My character on Bwhatever Bwhatever, Bevis Marchant, had his own little slot called Beatnews Beatnews, a rather obvious parody of Radio 1's ludicrously urgent, trivial and self-important Newsbeat Newsbeat Within teeks of aret Thatcher had dispatched a task force to recapture the Falkland Islands, and a week later I was taken off the air My parody of Brian Hanrahan and others was dee beater in a bucket to recreate the sound of reporting live frorandiose, faux-butch reporting style, not er that the military were in, but that has always been too complicated a distinction for stupid people to understand There was a war on, I was trying to be funny, therefore I had contempt for the sacrifice and bravery of the troops My levity was tantarier about that now than I ever was at the tie, like nostril hairs and earlobes

Not long after Beatnews Beatnews a BBC producer called Ian Gardhouse was in touch with ramme of his called a BBC producer called Ian Gardhouse was in touch with raht Sherrin Ned Sherrin was a well-known broadcaster who had started life as a television producer, first at Val Parnell's ATV and then at the BBC His most famous achievement in that phase of his life had been That Was The Week That Was That Was The Week That Was, usually referred to as TW3 TW3, the live comedy show that had launched the satire boom and David Frost Since then Nedwin, as I liked to call hiiven the world Up Pompeii! Up Pompeii!, Side by Side by Sondheim Side by Side by Sondheim and a slew of collaborations with Caryl Brahms and others Trained as a lawyer, he was known for his love of Tin Pan Alley, rich gossip and coe, Oxford, where he read law, but before that he had been a boy at the most excellently named educational establishment in the history of the world sexey's School in Somerset and a slew of collaborations with Caryl Brahms and others Trained as a lawyer, he was known for his love of Tin Pan Alley, rich gossip and coe, Oxford, where he read law, but before that he had been a boy at the most excellently named educational establishment in the history of the world sexey's School in Soht away He was like a stern aunt inkled and giggled after a little too ht Sherrin was to have a hero or heroine guest of the ould be twitted and teased by Ned and an assort witty types of which I was to be one Ned called us his 'young turks' was to have a hero or heroine guest of the ould be twitted and teased by Ned and an assort witty types of which I was to be one Ned called us his 'young turks' Late Night Sherrin Late Night Sherrin morphed, for reasons neither I nor Ian Gardhouse can remember, into morphed, for reasons neither I nor Ian Gardhouse can remember, into And So to Ned And So to Ned They were both live, late-night shows The routine was for us all to e's Hotel just by Broadcasting House Theto Ian, was so that he and Ned could keep an eye on the guests of the week and em that failed riotously in the cases of Daniel Farson and Zsa Zsa Gabor

After And So to Ned And So to Ned's short life came Extra Dry Sherrin Extra Dry Sherrin, whose for any different from the others: possibly it had live uests instead of two Extra Dry Sherrin Extra Dry Sherrin lasted one series before Ian welcoramme called lasted one series before Ian welcoramme called The Colour Suppleests this was a Sunday ' a variety of features, one of which would be a section I could create and shape for myself in any way I chose Each week I perforent, an architect, a journalist I cannot reallery Their surnaes, so I do recall a Simon Mulbarton, a Sandy Criests this was a Sunday ' a variety of features, one of which would be a section I could create and shape for myself in any way I chose Each week I perforent, an architect, a journalist I cannot reallery Their surnaes, so I do recall a Simon Mulbarton, a Sandy Crimplesham and a Gerald Clenchwarton

It was unfortunate that the pay packets offered proved that the rest of the world held radio in no real estee Kenneth Willialy nugatory fees they had been offered for their services and I soon found out that, coer brother, Television, Daal and threadbare existence This never worried me: I would have done it for free, but it was so broadcaston panel games were not a waste of tinity Radio is the poor relation of television insofar as o, but a rich one where it matters in terms of depth and intimacy

The writer Tony Sarchet and producer Paul Mayhew-Archer asked ative reporter called David Lander in Delve Special Delve Special, a new co It was essentially a parody of Checkpoint Checkpoint, the very popular Radio 4 progra into a different con, scaraue the miseries of the unfortunates who had been exploited and ripped off: they ht have had their house destroyed by expensive but inco a non-existent tis in a there were any number of ways that innocent la confrontations hom formed the second and ra chi-iked, insulted, jostled, roughed up and even seriously assaulted by the angry subjects of his exposes Delve Special Delve Special barely had to exaggerate the stories that barely had to exaggerate the stories that Checkpoint Checkpoint and its successor, John Waite's and its successor, John Waite's Face the Facts Face the Facts, already provided Over the next three years we er Cook ju screened for a run of six programmes on Channel 4 as This Is David Lander This Is David Lander, for which I wore a quiteWhen my workload was simply too heavy to allow me to do a second series, Tony Slattery stepped in, and the shoas retitled This Is David Harper This Is David Harper

David Lander, earnest investigative reporter in a badly behaved blond wig

One of the pleasures ofto wear a wig or care how I looked at all, orking with the guest perfor to play the victims and perpetrators Brenda Blethyn, Harry Enfield, Dawn French, Andrew Sachs, Felicity Montagu, Jack Klaff, Janine Duvitski and ave of their brilliant best Actually, 'into the studio' is not quite accurate In order to achieve aural verisimilitude Paul Mayhew-Archer would often place us in the street, on the roof of Broadcasting House, in broo areas, offices, corridors and hallways so that he and his engineer could capture the authentic tone and atmosphere of the scene Location radio drama is not common, and the 'Sir, sir! It's a lovely day, can we have our lessons outside?' sort of s about as larky as such sessions can ever be for radio, aside fro or care how I looked at all, orking with the guest perfor to play the victims and perpetrators Brenda Blethyn, Harry Enfield, Dawn French, Andrew Sachs, Felicity Montagu, Jack Klaff, Janine Duvitski and ave of their brilliant best Actually, 'into the studio' is not quite accurate In order to achieve aural verisimilitude Paul Mayhew-Archer would often place us in the street, on the roof of Broadcasting House, in broo areas, offices, corridors and hallways so that he and his engineer could capture the authentic tone and atmosphere of the scene Location radio drama is not common, and the 'Sir, sir! It's a lovely day, can we have our lessons outside?' sort of s about as larky as such sessions can ever be

Meanwhile, still with radio, The Colour Supplement The Colour Supplement soon folded Ian invited me to participate in yet another piece of Sherrinry, this ti show called soon folded Ian invited me to participate in yet another piece of Sherrinry, this ti show called Loose Ends Loose Ends, or 'Loose Neds' as the regular contributors preferred to call it Over the years these included Victoria Mather, Carol Thatcher, Emma Freud, Graham Norton, Arthur Smith, Brian Sewell, Robert Elms and Victor Lewis-Smith The format was always the sareen baize cloth, sat the regular contributors and a couple of guest authors, actors orNed would open with a ue in which the week's neas jokily reviewed He was always very good at crediting the ue's author; in the early years this was usually Neil Shand or Alistair Beaton, his collaborator on a pair of satirical Gilbert and Sullivan adaptations, The Ratepayer's Iolanthe The Ratepayer's Iolanthe and and The Metropolitan Mikado The Metropolitan Mikado, roaret Thatcher face-off which played to great applause in the ue, Ned introduced soular contributor

'Carol, I believe you went off to investigate this phenoive a little preae

'Eet a first-hand view, is that right?'

'Well, Ned '