Part 1 (2/2)
Shelovesricewith theletterM
All servingsaretobepre-measured O additionalfoodis perlass over thesinkor inthebathtub(preferablyuntilthechildis eighteen)Allfoodistobeservedon a plasticplacematwithpapertowel beneathbowl,bib onat all ti andthen hose her down afterward, that would be perfect” NO food or drink within two hours of bedtime NO additives NOpreservatives NOpumpkin seeds NOskins of anykindNOraw foodNOcookedfood NOAmericanfood
and(voicedropsto apitchonlywhalescanhear)NOFOODOUTSIDETHEKITCHEN/ I areement This makes total sense ”Oh,
Thisis PhaseI of bringingtheillusionof collusion ”We're inthis together! Little Elspethisourjointproject!Andwe're goingtofeedhernothingbutnant and just finding out my husband plans to raise the child in a cult Yet I a chosen to participate in this project Cototheallureof perfection
Thetourproceedstothefarthestpossibleroom Thedistanceof the child's rooamut from far away to really, really far away In fact, if there is another floor this rooe of the poor three-year-old awakening froht to go in search of her parents'room, armedonly with a con that one is e in the decor from muted, faux Asian to either a Mondrian scheme of primary colors or Bonpoint, Kennedy pastels Either way Martha has been here ersonally But the effect is oddly disquieting; it's so obviously an adult's conception of a child's rooned first edition Babar prints are hungatleastthreefeetabovethechild's head
After having received the Rules I am braced to meet the boy in the bubble I expect to see a full-out intensive care unit coineacross the room at us If it's a boy the irl tends toward a full-tilt Mouseketeers sequence, corandjeteThechildis sentintothisroutinebysomePavlovian responsetothemother's perfume asshe roundsthecornerTheencounterproceedsasfollows:(1) Child (groomedwithinaninchof his/herlife)(2)At the precise h the rabs the child's wrists (3) And she si the child's hands into a clappingposition in frontof thechild's face,and bends down to say hello, turning the child's gaze to me Voila And thus the first of many performances of what I like to call the ”Spatula Reflex” It has such tirace that I feel as if I should applaud, but insteadmove directlyintomyPavlovian responsesetoffbytheirexpectantfaces I drop toettoknoweachother a little ”Thisis THE NANNY DIARIES the cue for the Play-With-Child portion of the audition Despite the fact that we all know the child's opinion is irrelevant I nevertheless become psychotically animated I play as if I'm Christmas and then so frenzy of interaction, with theadded stimulant of a rare audience with mother The child has been trained in the Montessori approach to fun nly one toy is pulled from its walnut cubicle at a time I over-co into a chorus of voices, dance steps, and an in-depth understanding of Pokeo to the zoo, sleep over, and move in This is thewith her eof thechild's bed toannouncethatit is ”Tiain?”
The housekeeper, who has been folded into a child-size rocking chair in the corner this entire ti a meek attempt to match my display of fireworks and delay the inevitable crashWithin secondsthere is a replayof a slightly more sophisticated version of theSpatula Reflex,this ti of both motherandmyself outside theroom,punctuated by a slammed door, all in one seah her hair as she leads ,breathy ”Well”
She hands me my purse and then I stand with her in the foyer for at least half an hour, waiting to be dismissed
”So, do you have a boyfriend?” This is the cue for the Play-With-Mother portion of the audition She is in for the night here is no mention of a husband's inancy, Lotte Berk, the last Parents' Night , the pain-in-the-ass housekeeper (left for deadintheChildZone),thewilydecorator,thestringof nannydisasters beforehtmare Coetting a delightfulchildtoplaywith,I' anewbestfriend!
Not to be outdone, I hearto establish my status as a person of the world; I name-drop, brand-drop, place-drop Then self-consciously deprecate myself with humor so as not to inti ay tooabout why I left BrohyI leftmylastrelationshi+p otthatI', I stickwith it! Yessiree! Did I tell you about ed up repeatedly for months in aard attefor the doorknob FinaRyshe thanks , opens the door, andletshtinfrontof the electronic eye so I can finish a e We smile and nod at one another like aniainst it, exhaling for the firsttiton,propellingainst theplastic seat,i inmyhead Thesesnapshotsare sooninterruptedby afor change while gripping their worldly possessions in a shredded shopping bag Pulling out,questionsbegintopercolate
Just how does an intelligent, adult wodoerie drawers and imported French dairy substitutes? Where is the child in thishome?Whereis thewoman inthismother?
Andhow,exactly, a point in every job when it seemed that the child and I were the only three-di around on the black-and-white itinevitablethatsoinwithTheywantyouYou wantthejob
buttodoit wellis toloseit
Hitit
PART ONE
Fall
Then, with a long, loud sniff,thatseemed to indicatethatshe had made up her mind, shesaid:”l'U take theposition”
”For all theworld,”asMrs Bankssaidtoher husbandlater, ”asthoughshewere doingusanhonour”
ARYPOPP1NS
CHAPTER ONE
anny for Sale
”Hi, this isAlexis atthe Parents League I'uidelines we sent over” The blond wo behind the reception desk holds up a bejeweled finger, signaling me to hile she continues on the phone ”Yes, well, this year we'd really like to see all your girls in longer skirts, at least twenty inches We're still getting complaints from the mothers at the boys' schools in the vicinity Great Good to hear it Bye” With a grand gesture she crosses the word ”Spence”offher listof threeitems
She returns her attention toWith the school year starting we're just crazed”Shedraws a bigcirclearoundtheseconditemonherlist, ”papertowels” ”CanI help you?” ”I'm here to put up an ad for a nanny, but the bulletin board seehtly confusedasI've beenadvertising heresinceI wasthirteen
”We had to take it dohile the foyer was being painted and never got around toit back Here, let me show you” She leads me to thecentral roo inquiriesaboutthePrivate Schools Beforee of Upper East Side diversity alf of the women are dressed in Chanel suits and Manolo Blahniks, half arein six-hundred-dollarbarnjackets,lookingasif theyhtbe askedtopitch anAqua Scutuestures to the bulletin board, which has displaced a MaryCassattproppedagainst the wall ”It's all a bit disorganized at the moment,” she says as another wo nearby ”But don't worry Tons of lovely girls come here to look for e someone” She raises her hand to her pearls ”Don't you have a sonatBuckley?You looksofamiliar I'mAlexis?
”Hi,”I say ”I'irls I thinktheylived nextdoor-toyou”
She arches an eyebrow to give ht,” sheconfirbacktoherdesk
I tune out the officious, creas put up by other nanniesalsoinsearchof employment
Babysitter needchildren verylikekids vacuums I lookyour kids Manyyearswork You callme The bulletin board is already so overcroith flyers that, with a twinge of guilt, I end up tacking myadover someone else's pink paper festoonedwith crayon flowers, but spend a few daisies andnoneof her pertinentinformation
I wish I could tell these wo isn't the decoration, it's the punctuation t's all in the exclamation mark While my ad is a minimalist three-by-five card, without so muchas a smiley faceon it, I liberally sprinkle eachof ingpositivity
NannyattheReady! ChapinSchoolalumna available weekdayspart-time!
Excellentreferences!Child DevelopI don't haveis anumbrellathat, zip updown the heat
As I walk down ParkAvenue theAugust sun is still low enough in the sky that the stroller parade is in full throttle I pass nedly uncomfortable in their sticky seats They are too hot even to hold on to any of their usual traveling companions lankies and bears are tucked intobackstroller pockets I chuckletomyself atthechild aves awaytheofferof a juicebox with a flick of the hand and a toss of the head that says, ”I couldn't possibly be bothered with juice right now”
Waiting at a red light, I look up at the large glass s that are the eyes of Park Avenue From a population-density point of view, this is the Midwest of Manhattan Towering above me are rooms ooms androoroouest rooms and, somewhere above me, but I won't say where, a rabbit named Arthur has sixteenfeetsquareall tohi under the shade of the blue awnings of the Polo infrontof theplayground,where a fewtenaciouschildrenaretryingtheir bestdespitetheheat, I reachincrashesintoobject,anold-fashi+onedwoodenhoop
”Hey, that's mine!” A small boy of about four or so careens down the hill frofor aportrait withhis parents His sailorhattopplesoffintothepatchygrass asheruns
”That's myhoop,”heannounces
”Are yousure?” I askHelooksperplexed ”It couldbe aheel”I holdit sideways ”Or a halo?”
I holditabovehis blondhead ”Or a reallylargepizza?” I holditouttohibroadly ats itbackupthehill, passinghis motherasshestrolls downtoretrievethehat