Part 1 (1/2)
The Nanny Diaries
By Ehlin and Nicola Kraus
PROLOGUE
The Interview
Every season of my nanny career kicked off with a round of interviews so surreally similar that I'd often wonder if the ue to guide theh This initial encounter beca open,either tokneelandgenuflector say, ”Hit it!”
No other event epitoan and ended in an elevator nicer than most NewYorkers'apartments
Thewalnut-paneledcar slowlypulls me up,like a bucketin a well, toward potential solvencyAs I near the appointed floor I take a deep breath; the door slides open onto a small vestibule which is the portal to, at most, two apartments I press the doorbell Nanny Fact: she alaits for h she was buzzed by maximum security downstairs to warn ofon the other side of the door May, in fact, have been standing there sincewe spokeonthetelephonethreedays ago
The dark vestibule, wallpapered in soloomy Colefax and Fowler floral, always contains a brass umbrella stand, a horse print, and a mirror, wherein I do one last swift check ofthetrainridefroether win set,floralskirt,andsoe
She is always tiny Her hair is always straight and thin; she always see expensivekhaki pants, Chanelballet flats, a FrenchstripedT-shi+rt, and a white cardigan Possibly some discreet pearls In seven years and umpteen interviews the I'-in-es And it is sinified as as required to get her pregnant in thefirstplace
Her eyes go directly to the splot on my skirt I blush I haven't even opened my mouth and already I'm behind
She ushersray walls In themiddle is a roundtablewith a vase of flowers thatlookas if they htdie, but never dare wilt
This is my first impression of the Apartment and it strikes me like a hotel suiteI will later find taped to the fridge looks as if it were ordered fronetized) She offers to take an, stares disdainfully at the hair oodluck,andoffersme a drinkI'm supposedto say, ”Waterwouldbelovely,”butam oftentemptedto ask for a Scotch, just to see what she'd do I a room, which varies froeable, depending on how ”old” the estures me to the couch, where I promptly sink three feet into the cushi+ons, transformed into a five-year-old dwarfed by htin a very uncohtsin the actual Interview I aardly place lass of water carefully on a coaster that looks as if it could use a coaster She is clearly reeling with pleasure at htly, ”how didyou coue?”
This is the only part of the Interview that resee We will dance around certain words, such as ”nanny” and ”child care,” because they would be distasteful and ill never, ever, actually acknowledgethat we are talking aboutfor her This is the Holy Covenant of the Mother/Nanny relationshi+p: this is a pleasure ot a job We are ine a John and a call girlnot to kill the ht actually be doing this forexperience, which I describe as a passionate hobby,s for theblindAs theconversation progresses I beco bothof us ofa child and taking part in all stages of his/her develop a precious journey of the heart I cite a to the children by narowth of Constance with each hour we spent together in the sandbox” I feelmy umbrella a la Mary Poppins We both sit in silence for a er paintings andmydoctorates from Stanford
She stares atit on home ”I love children] I love little hands and little shoes and peanut butter sandwiches and peanut butter in my hair and Elmo love Elh of it! nd soy e of questions no one knows the answers to, I e!”
We canbothhear ”AWholeNewWorld”sloelling inthe background as I earnestly convey that it would be e to take care of her child t wouldbeanadventure
She is flushed, but still playing it close to the chest Now she wants to knohy, if I'm so fabulous, I would want to take care of her child I ave birth to it and she doesn't want to do it, so ould I? Aroup? How did she get this lucky? She wants to knohat I study, what I plan to do in the future, what I think of private schools in Manhattan, what ree and insouciance as I can htly cockto the ani forfor anshich will confirm that I am not there to steal her husband, jewelry,friends,or childInthatorder
Nanny Fact: in every one of my interviews, references are never checked I aeeducatedI haveno visible piercings and havebeentoLincoln Centerinthelast twomonths I'm hired
She stands with newfound hope ”Let h we have already met, it's time for theApartheachroomit seems tofluff itself and shi+ is what this Apartment was born for Each enor enough for a frainal so-and-so
Noer hereisnever atraceof achildtobefoundontheTour In fact, there's never a trace of anyone ot a single family picture displayed I'll find out later that these are all discreetlytuckedintosterlingTiffanyframesandclusteredartfully in acornerof theden
Somehow the absenceof a pair of strewn shoesor an openedenvelope histhree-dimensional; itseeainly andunsure of how todemonstrate the appropriateawe thatis expectedfro, ”Yes'm, it's awl soawflyluverly,shoreis,”in a thickcockneyaccentandcurtsying
Luckily she is in perpetual lides silently ahead of ainst the dense furnishi+ngs I stare at her back as sheonlybrieflyineachtowaveherhandaroundin acircleandsay therooroom
Two pieces of infor the Tour: (1) I a at maximum security to ensure that her child, who is also out of his or her league, does not scuff, snag, spill, or spoil a single eleoes as follows: she turns around to ” involved and that Hutchison really ”prefers” to play in his room If there were any justice in the world this is the point when all nannies should be given roadblocks and a stun gunThese rooms are destined to become the burden of my existence From this point on, ninety-five percent of this apartround for chasing, enticing, and point-blank pleading with the child to ”Put theDelftmilkmaid down!!” I afluidthanI knew there were types of dirt It will be in her pantry tocked high above the washer-dryer hat I discover peopleactually importtoiletbowlcleanser fromEurope
We arrive inthekitchenIt isenormousWith a fewpartitions itcouldeasilyhouse a familyof four She stops to rest onea familiar pose, like a captain at the helm about to address the creever, I know if I asked her where she keeps the flour, a half hour of ruutensils wouldensue
NannyFact: shemaypouranawfullotof Perrier inthis kitchen,butshenever actuallyeatshere Infact, over the course of the job I never see her eat anything While she can't tell me where to find the flour, shecanprobablylocatethelaxatives inhererator is always bursting with tons of meticulously chopped fresh fruit separated into Tupperware bowls and at least two packs of fresh cheese tortellini that her child prefers without sauce (Meaning there is never any in the house for anic milk, a deserted bottle of Lillet, and Sarabeth's jao biloba (”for Daddy's memory”) The freezer is stocked with Moets and popsiclesAs I peer into the fridge I see that food is for the child; condirown-ups One pictures a family meal in which parents meekly stick toothpicks into a jar of Grace's sundried toeson a feastof freshfruitandfrozendinners
”Brandford'sto the frozen food as she closes the freezer door Translation: they are able to feed hiood conscience on the weekends because I will be cooking hihts There will be a day to coes in the freezer with raw envy as I resteaestive ease
She swings open the pantry (which is big enough to be a summer home for the faeddon-ready level of storage, as if the city were in perpetual danger of being looted by a roving band of insanely health-conscious five-year-olds It is overfloith every type of juice box, soy anic raisin the consulted nutritionist could think up The only itelow saltandthenot-so-popularonion
There isn't a single trace of food in the entire kitchen big enough to fill a grown-up hand Despite the s of raisin dinners before I discover THE TOP SHELF, which appears to be trip wired and covered with dust, but contains the ifts thathave beenleftfor deadby worenadein Pandora's box Barneys' raisinettes, truffles froe from Martha's Vineyard, all of which I devour like crack-cocaine in the bathroo recorded by a possible security ca played on Hard Copy: ”Nanny caught in the act eady with delusions of entitlement reakscellophanewrapperon '92 EasterGodivas”
It is at this point that she begins the Rules This is a very pleasing portion of the event for any ht and effort has gone into bringing the child this far Shespeakswith a raremixtureof animation, confidence,andawesome conviction heknows this er,yet compassionate expressionasif tosay ”Yes, please tell me more'm fascinated” and ”Hoful it instheList: Allergictodairy
Allergictopeanuts
Allergictostrawberries
Allergictopropane-basedshellac
Sorain
Won't eatblueberries
Will onlyeatblueberries liced
Sandwichesmust becut horizontallyandhavecrusts
Sandwichesmust becut inquarters andhaveNOcrusts
Sandwicheseast