Part 9 (2/2)

Hoell I recollect the early walk on the followingoffor death as the cancellation of the blunder of my existence!

I went home, and after breakfast some proofs came from the printer of a pa theave them to me, and said that as he had no tio upstairs to Theresa's study and read thean to read She took the e, and then she suddenly stopped

”Oh, Mr Rutherford,” she said, it, ”what have you done? I heard my uncle distinctly tell you to mark on the manuscript when it went to the printer, that it was to be printed in demy octavo, and you have ht, I was exhausted with my early walk, and suddenly the room seemed to fade from me and I fainted When I caht for any help; she had done all that ought to be done She had unfastened ed radually recoveredsteadily at me as she stood over me, and I felt her hand uponto myself, she held off and sat down in her chair

I was a little hysterical, and after the fit was over I broke loose

With a stor I had ever attempted had succeeded; that I had never even been able to attain that degree of satisfaction with myself and my own conclusions, without which a man cannot live; and that now I found I was useless, even to the best friends I had ever known, and that the meanest clerk in the city would serve them better than I did I was besideconvulsively She did not repel h my hair Oh, the transport of that touch! It was as if water had been poured on a burnt hand, or some miraculous Messiah had soothed the delirium of a fever-stricken sufferer, and replaced his visions of torently lifted me up, and as I rose I saw her eyes too et

”My poor friend,” she said, ”I cannot talk to you now You are not strong enough, and for that matter, nor aether mistaken about yourself The meanest clerk in the city could not take your place here” There was just a slight eht upon the word ”here” ”Now” she said, ”you had better go I will see about the pamphlet”

I went out mechanically, and I anticipate my story so far as to say that, two days after, another proof came in the proper for it up afresh, and was told that Miss Wollaston had been there and had paid herself for the rectification of thespecial injunctions that no notice of it was to be given to her uncle I should like to add one ospels and to say, Blessed are they who heal us of self-despisings Of all services which can be done to man, I know of none more precious

When I went back to my work I worshi+pped Theresa, and was entirely overco more of her that day nor the next day Her uncle told one into the country, and that probably she would not return for sothened visit to a friend at a distance I had a mind to write to her; but I felt as I have often felt before in great crises, a restraint which was gentle and incomprehensible, but nevertheless unmistakable I suppose it is not ould be called conscience, as conscience is supposed to decide solely between right and wrong, but it was none the less pereht easily have been overlooked Over and over again, when I have purposed doing a thing, have I been impeded or arrested by this sas to be the ht of Mary recurred to ht of my love for Theresa, my love for Mary continued unabated Had it been otherwise, had rown dim, I should not have been so nominious to confess it, but so it was; I simply record the fact

I had not seen Mardon since that lastin the shop, who should walk it in but Mary herself The e, was easily explained

Her father was ill, and could do nothing but read Wollaston published free-thinking books, and Mardon had noticed in an advertisement the naly he sent Mary for it She pressed ood deal, and had written to me at the last address he knew, but the letter had been returned through the dead-letter office

It was a week before I could go, and when did go, I found hiined hian, but he was sloasting away froht he knew, he should not recover But he was perfectly self-possessed

”With regard to immortality,” he said, ”I never knohat men mean by it WHAT self is it which is to be immortal? Is it really desired by anybody that he should continue to exist for ever with his present lis? Yet if these are not continued, theelse, a totally different person I believe in the survival of life and thought People think is not enough They say they want the survival of their personality It is very difficult to express any conjecture upon the matter, especially nohen I a I aht to rid hiotism which is so anxious about self, and should be reorse The winter was corew darker, he declined With all his heroism and hardness he had a weakness or two, and one was, that he did not want to die in London or be buried there So we got hi for him close to the sea, so that he could lie in bed and watch the sun and moon rise over the water Mary, of course, remained with him, and I returned to London

Towards the end of Noveot a letter, to tell o down at once I went that day, and I found that the doctor had been and had said that before thethe end must come Mardon was perfectly conscious, in no pain, and quite calm He was just able to speak When I went into his bedroom, he smiled, and without any preface or introduction he said: ”Learn not to be over-anxious aboutdifficulties which ti to ask for water, I don't think he spoke again

All that night Mary and I watched in that topht entirely unclouded, and the moon was at the full Towards daybreak her father moaned a little, then beca to sunrise, he passed away What a sunrise it was! For about half-an-hour before the sun actually appeared, the perfectly s opaline lustre Not a sound was to be heard, and over in the south-east hung the planet Venus Death was in the chaeant outside arrested us, and we sat awed and silent Not till the first burning-point of the great orb itself ehtness and brought with it the sounds of the day and its cares, did we give way to our grief

It was iet back to my work in London, but I felt that Mary would far rather be alone, and that it would not be proper for s as very kind, and proed that I should coain to the funeral

So I went back to London Before I had got twenty lory of a few hours had turned into autumn storm The rain came down in torrents, and the wind rushed across the country in great blasts, stripping the trees, and driving over the sky with hurricane speed great led earth and heaven

I thought of all the shi+ps which were on the sea in the night, sailing under the serene stars which I had seen rise and set; I thought of Mardon lying dead, and I thought of Mary The sireat eest of all forether over a dead friend, who have held one another's hands in that dread hour, feel a bond of sy can dissolve

I went to the funeral as appointed There was some little difficulty about it, for Mary, who knew her father so well, was unconquerably reluctant that an inconsistency should crown the career of one who, all through life, had been so completely self-accordant She could not bear that he should be buried with a cereether free from that weakness which induces a compliance with the rites of the Church from persons who avow theround was found, belonging to a little half-forsaken Unitarian chapel; and there Mardon was laid A few friends came from London, one of whom had been a Unitarian minister, and he ”conducted the service,” such as it was It was of the sirave, and before it was lowered a feords were said, calling to mind all the virtues of him e had lost These the speaker presented to us with ue a disconnected string of excellences, but he seemed to plant himself in the central point of Mardon's nature, and to see from what it radiated

He then passed on to say that about i; but that Mardon would live as every force in nature lives--for ever; transinal for The cloud breaks up and comes down upon the earth in shohich cease, but the clouds and the showers are really undying This may be true,--but, after all, I can only accept the fact of death in silence, as we accept the loss of youth and all other calaements which we should make, if we had the control of the universe, would be more absurd than those which prevail now We are able to see that an eternity of life in one particular form, with one particular set of relationshi+ps, would be misery to many and mischievous to everybody, however sweet those relationshi+ps may be to soenerator, and we pine for escape froroeary; but we can say no more, and the hour of illumination has not yet come Whether it ever will come to a oes the manuscript which I have in my possession I know that there is more of it, but all my search for it has been in vain

Possibly some day I may be able to recover it My friend discontinued his notes for so portion of them was entirely separate from the earlier portion, and this is the reason, I suppose, why it is ht cold at his funeral; the seeds of consumption developed themselves with reone Her father's peculiar habits had greatly isolated him, and Miss Mardon had scarcely any friends

Rutherford went to see her continually, and during the last few nights sat up with her, incurring not a little scandal and gossip, to which he was entirely insensible