Part 5 (2/2)

I very well recollect that she showed sopleased when I showed her the letters I wrote to Madam de Warrens, or explained my sentiments; but as she never discovered her own, she certainly did not take the right means to come at them My heart, naturally cos, whenever I encountered a siatories, without any sign of blaaveable to deter, I was ever in fear, and thought less of expressing ht seee I have since re the woine, that by concealing their own sentiments, they shall the norant that this method destroys the confidence so necessary toquestioned, is iuard: and if once he supposes that, without any interest in his concerns, you only wish to set hi, either he entertains you with lies, is silent, or, exa every word before he utters it, rather chooses to pass for a fool, than to be the dupe of your curiosity In short, it is ever a badto conceal our own

Madam de Vercellis never addressed a word to me which seeated me coldly, and my ansere uttered with so much timidity, that she doubtless entertained but a mean opinion of my intellects, for latterly she never askedbut as absolutely necessary for her service She drew her judgment less from what I really was, than frootherwise

I am inclined to think I suffered at that tiahoutthat has the least appearance of it Mada no children, her nephew, the Count de la Roque, was her heir, and paid his court assiduously, as did her principal do, endeavored to take care of themselves; in short, so many were busy about her, that she could hardly have found time to think of enius, with a still ood graces of herof a friend than a servant She had introduced a niece of hers as lady's ypsy, that gave herself all the airs of a waiting-wo the countess, that she only saith their eyes, and acted through their hands I had not the happiness to please this worthy triu that eneral mistress required me to be a servant to her servants

Besides this, I was a person that gave them some inquietude; they saas not in my proper situation, and feared the countess would discover it likewise, and by placing me in it, decrease their portions; for such sort of people, too greedy to be just, look on every legacy given to others as a diminution of their oealth; they endeavored, therefore, to keep ht as possible She loved to write letters, in her situation, but they contrived to give her a distaste to it; persuading her, by the aid of the doctor, that it was too fatiguing; and, under pretence that I did not understand hoait on her, they ereat lubberly chaired the affair so well, that for eight days before she made her will, I had not been permitted to enter the chamber Afterwards I went in as usual, and was evenafflicted at the sufferings of the unhappy lady, whom I truly respected and beloved for the calmness and fortitude hich she bore her illness, and often did I shed tears of real sorroithout being perceived by any one

At length we lost her--I saw her expire She had lived like a woman of sense and virtue, her death was that of a philosopher I can truly say, she rendered the Catholic religion amiable to me by the serenity hich she fulfilled its dictates, without any ence or affectation She was naturally serious, but towards the end of her illness she possessed a kind of gayety, too regular to be assumed, which served as a counterpoise to the melancholy of her situation She only kept her bed two days, continuing to discourse cheerfully with those about her to the very last

She had bequeathed a year's wages to all the under servants, but, not being on the household list, I had nothing: the Count de la Roque, however, ordered me thirty livres, and the new coat I had on, which M

Lorenzy would certainly have taken fro me perly, I went two or three ti able to speak to him, and as I was easily repulsed, returned nowill be seen hereafter

Would I had finished what I have to say of h my situation apparently remained the same, I did not leave her house as I had entered it: I carried withand painful reht of res on my conscience, and whose bitter recollection, far froather strength as I grow old Who would believe, that a childish fault should be productive of such melancholy consequences? But it is for the more than probable effects that my heart cannot be consoled I have, perhaps, caused an airl, who surely merited a better fate than h it is very difficult to break up housekeeping without confusion, and the loss of some property; yet such was the fidelity of the doilance of M and Mada; in short, nothing wasbut a pink and silver ribbon, which had been worn, and belonged to Mades of more value were in ly I stole it As I took no great pains to conceal the bauble, it was soon discovered; they i from whence I had taken it; this perplexed th said, with confusion, that Marion gave itMauriennese, and had been cook to Mada entertainood broths than fine ragouts, she had discharged her former one Marion was not only pretty, but had that freshness of color only to be found a the mountains, and, above all, an air of modesty and sweetness, which made it iood girl, virtuous, and of such strict fidelity, that everyone was surprised at hearing her naed it necessary to certify which of us was the thief Marion was sent for; a great nu as the Count de la Roque: she arrives; they show her the ribbon; I accuse her boldly: she re a look on me that would have disarth, she denied it with fir irl who had never wronged me With infernal impudence, I confiriveninto tears, said these words--”Ah, Rousseau! I thought you a good disposition--you render me very unhappy, but I would not be in your situation” She continued to defend herself with asthe least invective against me Her moderation, compared to my positive tone, did her an injury; as it did not appear natural to suppose, on one side such diabolical assurance; on the other, such angelic mildness The affair could not be absolutely decided, but the presu us both away, contented hie the innocent” His prediction was true, and is being daily verified

I anorant what became of the victi been able to place herself agreeably after this, as she labored under an imputation cruel to her character in every respect The theft was a trifle, yet it was a theft, and, orse, employed to seduce a boy; while the lie and obstinacy left nothing to hope from a person in whom so many vices were united I do not even look on the reatest evil: who knows, at her age, whither conteht have led her?--Alas! if re made her unhappy is insupportable, whather even worse than myself The cruel remembrance of this transaction, sometimes so troubles and disorders ine I see this poor girl enter and reproach h I had committed it but yesterday While in easy tranquil circu a troubled agitated life, it has robbed me of the sweet consolation of persecuted innocence, and made me wofully experience, what, I think, I have remarked in some of my works, that remorse sleeps in the calm sunshi+ne of prosperity, but wakes amid the store ht in the bosoe me to it, even with Madam de Warrens: all I could do, was to own I had to accuse myself of an atrocious criht, therefore, has remained heavy on my conscience to this day; and I can truly own the desire of relieving reatly to the resolution of writing my Confessions

I have proceeded truly in that I have just ht to palliate the turpitude of my offence; but I should not fulfill the purpose of this undertaking, did I not, at the sae my interior disposition, and excuse myself as far as is conformable with truth

Never ickedness further frohts, than in that cruel e, but strictly true, that my friendshi+p for her was the ihts; I formed my excuse from the first object that presented itself: I accused her with doing what I iven her the ribbon, asserted she had given it to onized, but the presence of so many people was more powerful than my compunction I did not fear punishment, but I dreaded shame: I dreaded it more than death, more than the crime, more than all the world I would have buried, hid myself in the centre of the earth: invincible shame bore down every other sentiment; shame alone caused all my impudence, and in proportion as I became criminal, the fear of discovery rendereddetected, of being publicly, and to my face, declared a thief, liar, and calumniator; an unconquerable fear of this overcame every other sensation Had I been left to myself, I should infallibly have declared the truth Or if M de la Rogue had taken irl; if you are guilty own it,”--I am convinced I should instantly have thrown ing me I was hardly out of my childhood, or rather, was yet in it It is also just to e In youth, dark, pree, but weaknesses aremore; and I am less afflicted at the deed itself than for its consequences It had one good effect, however, in preserving h the rest of my life from any criminal action, from the terrible impression that has remained from the only one I ever coreat uilty of so black a one If it is a crime that can be expiated, as I dare believe, forty years of uprightness and honor on various difficult occasions, with the many misfortunes that have overwhelmed my latter years, ers in this world, that however great uilt with me Thus have I disclosed what I had to say on this painful subject; ain

THE CONFESSIONS OF JEAN JACQUES ROUSSEAU (In 12 books)

Privately Printed for the Members of the Aldus Society

London, 1903

BOOK III

Leaving the service of Madam de Vercellis nearly as I had entered it, I returned to my for which time health, youth, and laziness, frequently rendered htful: I wept and sighed for a happiness I had no idea of, though at the sahly sensible of some deficiency This situation is indescribable, few eneral, they have prevented that plenitude of life, at once torhts were incessantly occupied with girls and women, but in a manner peculiar to reeable activity, though, fortunately, they did not point out the iven my life to have met with a Miss Goton, but the time was past in which the play of infancy predominated; increase of years had introduced shame, the inseparable companion of a conscious deviation from rectitude, which so confirmed my natural timidity as to render it invincible; and never, either at that time or since, could I prevail on myself to offer a proposition favorable to my wishes (unless in a manner constrained to it by previous advances) even with those whose scruples I had no cause to dread

My stay at Madam de Vercellis's had procured ht be serviceable to me, and therefore wished to retain